What I Learned Over My Christmas Vacation

1. There are some family holiday situations that not even alcohol can make better.
2. It is possible to eat your own body weight in sugar.
3. It only takes about 3 days to forget what gifts you got for Christmas.
4. I do enjoy a drink called the “Bahama Mama” especially when an extra shot of vodka is added.
5. You can get 12 hours of sleep and still be tired enough to take an afternoon nap.
6. I really really miss HGTV and TLC.
7. The mere act of crossing the state line into Indiana can make you 10 pounds fatter.
8. I won’t implode if I spend more that 24 hours away from my computer.
9. While historically considered really lame songs, Madonna’s “Holiday” and Kool & the Gang’s “She’s Fresh” aren’t so bad after a few glasses of champagne.
   

Merry Christmas

This is the first time in 14 years where I didn't have to get on a plane if I wanted to celebrate Christmas in Chicago with my family. 14 years!

Even though it was my choice to move back here, sometimes I forget why and wish I was somewhere else.

Then my mom called me at work on Friday with a problem she was having (which is unusual for her). We talked for several minutes, and I told her everything was going to be OK. At the end of the call she said she was sorry to have called me at work and that sometimes she just needed someone to talk through her problems. I told her it was fine and that I was glad she called. She ended with call with "I'm glad you're back," and as she said "I love you" I could hear a little emotion in her voice, which of course got me all flustered.

And that's why I moved back to Chicago.

Anyway, if you have seven minutes, the Sweeney Sisters would like to wish you Merry Christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Holiday Cards

I’m a total slacker and do not generally send out holiday cards.

I blame it on the fact that about 10 years ago I got all ambitious and bought a stack of cards, and spent about 10 hours writing long sincere messages in each. I sent them out (on time) and about a week later I came home from work to find the whole lot of them sitting in a pile in my mail box with “insufficient postage” stamped all over them. Apparently, square cards need extra postage because the US postal system is a piece of shit (but you all knew that already). It pissed me off
so much that I decided I’d probably never send a Xmas card again.

Last week Richard and I went out and bought a small box of Christmas cards and actually wrote some out and sent them. Hopefully I’ve learned my postage lesson and these cards will actually get to their intended recipients (most of whom live in Australia).

Why am I writing this? Mostly to accomplish a few things:

1. Serve as a thank you to those friends of mine who have sent us cards. You are sweet and much better people than I am. Know that even though you’ve sent me a card you are likely not getting one in return, at least this year. It doesn’t mean I’m an ingrate. It just means that I’m lame.
2. Serve as some kind of (really really lame) HAPPY HOLIDAYS message to all of you out there; and:
3. Serve as an advanced apology to those of you who were expecting a holiday card and have not/will not get one from me this year.

Maybe I’ll be better next year. Maybe. But I’m definitely not making any promises on that one.

Very Scared

I was just told by my boss that on Thursday there will be a "team building" event starting at 1:30, prior to our company Holiday Dinner Party. But what has me scared is what he said immediately following that:

"Be sure to bring a beach towel you don't mind getting dirty."

So to recap: I need to bring a beach towel. That will get dirty. To my company team builder. In December.

... I think I'm calling in sick on Thursday.

Holiday Hell: The Company XMas Party (Pt. I)

Is there anything worse than the Company Holiday party?
Walking that tightrope of: 1) not drinking too much because you don't want to make an ass of yourself, and 2) really, really, really wanting to drink too much just so you can get through the torture of having to be friendly to your bosses in a social setting?

I've been lucky that in the past I've worked for organizations where either:
1) I liked the people I worked with; or
2) the company was big enough that nobody paid any attention to me; or
3) both.

This year I am not so lucky because I work for a company of nine people, very few of whom I would associate with outside of work (just as I'm sure most of them would not care to spend time with me). Which means there will be no fading into the background or excusing myself to go to the bathroom and then climbing through the window to escape without someone noticing. I will actually need to be "social" and "witty" and "engaged in conversation" and "not a threat to national security." It sucks.

Reading Wingman's thoughts on her company party (as well as several other's adventures and thoughts) and the fact that mine is in a few days got me thinking about all the other work holiday parties I've attended and some of the bad things that have happened. On the one hand, I'm hoping my company party goes smoothly and without incident. On the other, it would be great to add a few items to the list below for next year:

Worst Company Holiday Party Moments (in order of significance):

1. First off we can start here as a warm-up.
2. Me spilling a run and coke and the brand new white carpeting in my boss' house. (For as long as I worked there - which was a year - he never let me forget it.) Bonus: I wasn't even drunk!
3. Me introducing my date/friend to my boss, and my boss responding to her with: "You have nice tits." Bonus: my friend/date calling him a prick to his face. (No, I didn't stay with that company very long after.)
4. Me smoking a cigar (my first ever) with my boss and getting so buzzed and nauseous from it that I needed to leave the room and use the wall as a means to keep steady and not fall over. Bonus: only about three co-workers saw this.
   
5. Me using the bushes behind my boss' neighbor's garage to vomit from smoking a cigar (see #4 above). Bonus: it was fucking raining outside and I got wet.
6. Me getting behind the bar at the club my company rented out for the holiday party and attempting to play bartender to co-workers and executives. Bonus: I actually made a vodka tonic for one of the VPs.
   
7. Me getting yelled at by the real bartenders for getting behind the bar at the club my company rented out for the holiday party and attempting to play bartender to co-workers and executives. Bonus: there are photos of this.
8. Me thinking it would be funny to lay across the bar while a coworker got a photo of it. Bonus: None. There's no upside to that.
9. Attempting to get down with the clown on the dancefloor with the CEO of my company. Bonus: Hard to say -- for awhile afterwards she knew who I was, but I don't know if its because she liked that I danced with her or because she thought I was an idiot. I prefer to think the former.

Stay tuned next week for an update... Proper.

12 Hangovers of Christmas

Results from last week's CRQOW are in.
It seems a slight majority of you (about 28%) are staying faithful to the True Meaning of Christmas by being drunk/hungover throughout the Holiday Season. Bravo -- I expect to hear stories of drunken company holiday parties, bar brawls and alcohol-fueled fights with family members over the next four weeks.

Disappointingly, slightly less than a quarter of you will be whoring it up this month. Either that, or many of you are just plain lying. C'mon people, I expected more from you.

Unrelated: Is anyone else having problems leaving comments on other people's blogs? I haven't been able to for over a week now. And it is pissing me off!