Happy Tuesday

I work in a job where I have clients that I sometimes don't enjoy working with, who can be real ass wipes.

Yesterday, I had to send one of my clients an e-mail that I knew he wasn't going to like, with some rather unfortunate information. (Sometimes, in my job, I have to play a bad guy and advise a client with a good dose of reality as to why other people on the planet don't share his belief that his lame idea is the Next Big Thing.)

I came into the office this morning with an e-mail from him with the words "This is a totally unacceptable answer" copying his boss and some of his colleagues. Like I'm some retarded child. You know what's totally unacceptable? You being a douche nugget.

Yay! I love starting my day with an e-mail like that. Sometimes I really love my job.

I think I'd like to start a website, and call it something like "MyJobSucks.com" in which people can write in their weekly bad work experiences. The benefit being that when you're having a really bad day at work you can read about other people's misfortunes and hopefully crack a smile, knowing you're not alone.

Is This a Joke?

... There's no way it is really June already. No fucking way.

Almost halfway through the year and I've barely made a dent in my 2007 Resolutions.

Top 10 Things to Do in Souix Falls, SD...

[This is the Sioux Falls Airport, folks. Pretty exciting shit.]

… when Stuck in the Airport on a 2.5 hour Layover:

1. Zip
2. Zero
3. Zilch
4. Buy a South Dakota refrigerator magnet as a gift
5. Complain when the only gift shop in the place closes at 5 pm. (5 pm, people!)
6. Nothing
7. Nada
8. Jack
9. Jack Shit
10. Make fun of the other people in the airport

Proper, Bitches!

Happy Friday everyone! Above is the Official Crest of the [Cherry] Ride, which I got from this site (via this one and this one). I think everyone should create their own official seal. If you do, leave a comment so I can check it out, mmkay?

In other news, last night on XRT's "New Noise at Nine" program I heard the new Crowded House song "Don't Stop Now" and I pretty much pissed my pants in excitement. Which isn't a good thing, especially 'cuz I was driving. The album comes out in July, and I'm seriously stoked.

And without further ado, highlights from this week's Google searches:

• "outdoorsy boobs"
• "Helen Mirren's boobs"
  

Things to Do in Denver When You're Drunk

This past weekend Richard and I flew to visit our friend Krista in Denver and drank our body weight in alcohol.

Denver is a very active city, offering plenty of opportunities to enjoy the outdoors, bike, run, raft, etc. When we began planning the trip several weeks ago, words like “hike” and “camp” were being thrown around by our hostess (rather carelessly and cavalier, in my opinion), and to prepare for the weekend I thought it best to pack clothes that would protect me against rain, snow, wind and wild cougars.

But as the days leading up to the visit unfolded, talk of the great outdoors subsided and were replaced with conversations about “catching up” and “relaxing” and “not getting out of bed until afternoon” and other, more meaningful subjects more closely associated with weekend getaways.

Krista was hosting a party, and when we arrived (after literally waiting more than an hour at baggage claim – thanks Frontier Airlines!), Richard and I were handed some beer, and then some shots, and just a few minutes later when “Girlfriend” by Pebbles came through the stereo, the troubles of work and Chicago seemed far, far away.

After an unfortunate incident occurred early in the morning hours, we decided the best way to tackle the rest of the holiday weekend would not be through physical outdoorsy activities (camping, hiking, etc.) but through more alcohol.

Alcohol for brunch. Lunch. With a mid-afternoon snack. Dinner. As prolonged nightcap. Bloody Marys, Beer, Tequila, Krista's Kick-Ass Lemonades, Gin and Tonics, Rum and Cokes, Mojitos. And some shot called a Washington Apple.

Pass out, awake, repeat.

Of course, drink is not all we did: I bought a new camera (yes!), danced to Kelly Clarkson, went to Vail, used a mustard bottle as a microphone to rock out to Bon Jovi, tried to climb a giant iron cow statue, dropped a good $12 on snacks in a vending machine, and sang the “Everything’s better with Blue Bonnet on it” song, repeatedly. It should also be pointed out that Richard let the terrorists win -- just a little bit -- by buying the pink sugar cookies instead of the red/white and blue ones, but nevermind.

Open Letters

Dear Left Calf Muscle: Listen, I’m sorry that I’m making you bike 25 minutes to work each morning, then 25 minutes back home. I know you’d rather sit on the Purple Line and relax. But that’s just how it is going to be. You need to deal with it and move on, and stop cramping up on me just because you’re angry. Yesterday while walking the hall at work, I felt you actually *pop*. I'm no doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's not good. You’re pissed. I get it. But let’s all go back to normal so I can start running and swimming again.

Dear Allergies: I thought we’d covered this already, years ago. You start to act up, I take some Claratin. Repeat for several weeks and we both get along fine. What, suddenly that’s not good enough for you? Now you’re waking me up in the middle of the night? Please, give me a break. I just want to get through the next couple of weeks – is that too much to ask?

Dear Pharmaceutical Companies: How hard is it to make an over the counter allergy pill that works? Seriously. C’mon already. I’m dying here.

Dear People at the Corner Deli Responsible for Stocking the Twix Candy Bars: Can we do something about storing them in a place where they don’t melt? Every time I buy one, I open the wrapper and it’s all brown goo. I have to put it in the freezer for 30 minutes unless I want that shit all up on my grill. Is it too much to ask to enjoy a Twix without getting that shit all over my hands?

Dear Neil Finn: I love you. I am so excited about the new Crowded House album in July I'm ready to piss myself. I love you. Richard and I are really looking forward to seeing you in August (me more so than Richard, but that’s OK). I love you. When you get in town, give me a call and we’ll hang. Did I mention that I love you?

Dear Woman Selling That Awesome Mid-Century Modern Couch on Craigslist: I was the first responder to your ad (you even told me so). You want to sell it, I want to buy it. That simple. Quit messing around and call me back already. I want that fucking couch!!

This Week in Google* Searches & Weng Weng

It always amazes me the kinds of internet searches that lead people to this blog. Once again, my apologies to those whose searches below did not get them what they were looking for (parentheses my own).

• "I like small men"
• Jeep bitches (I don't even know what this means. Is there such a thing as a jeep bitch?)
  
• "Ride like the wind" cover
• juggs (Seriously. Try it- type in "juggs" and this blog comes up.)
  
• juggs blogspot (Again, try it. How ironic that my blog is somehow associated with juggs.)
• Sweet cherry boobs (I think this person has a problem.)
• CHERRY BOOBS PART 20 (Is this the 20th chapter in a long running porn series? And how horny/desperate are you that you typed IN ALL CAPS?)
  
• Sweet poppin in her cherry (I love how almost all of these searches have a pornographic bent to them.)
• "Scientology tshirts" (If they exist, I want one!)
• flavor of love blogspot
• cherry tattoos lower stomache (Classy. Especially the misspelling of the word "stomach." I believe this is worse than a tramp stamp.)
• Sydney Australia hipsters "east village" Newtown. (Richard or Farting Puppy - was this you?)
• John Mayer shows off his wonderland body (Not here he doesn't!)
  

In other news, I lifted this Weng Weng clip from Guy from Chicago. I think Weng Weng is this year's Little Superstar. If nothing else, I think Classy & Dr. Ken will get a kick out if it.


Happy Weekend Everyone!

* Or MSN or Yahoo! Search too.

Replacing One Bad Habit With Another

The good news is that I've been weaning myself off of soda pop and caffeine - from a diet coke/pepsi/coke zero/pepsi one at lunch + one at dinner - to pretty much none. This is a good thing.

But in order to satisfy my sweet tooth I couldn't go straight to something as healthy as water (pizza + water = gross), so we've been buying those no calorie, no sugar flavored waters (similar to, but not exactly like the ones pictured above).

You know the ones - not the designer expensive ones made by Propel or Clearly Canadian or LaCroix - but those cheap 89 cents a bottle ones. Every supermarket sells them; they're just bottled under a different name depending on the store (I've had these exact same drinks from Albertson's, Dominick's, Fred Meyer's, Giant, Jewel, Kroeger's, Publix, Safeway and Winn Dixie).

They taste so good that there obviously must be something wrong with them. Richard brought a whole bunch home from the grocery store yesterday and I got up at 2:30 last night with craving so strong that only their sweet sugary (without actually containing any sugar!) goodness could satisfy. I think that's a problem.

Am I kidding myself that these are actually better for me than a diet coke? Am I replacing one bad chemical with another? I don't think I want to know the answer, actually. Let me enjoy my sweet raspberry, cherry and white grape nectar in peace.

On a different note: Yep, I've made some changes to the blog. Added a few more regular reads to the blogroll too.

Jerry Falwell is Finally Dead

“Homosexuals are brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda”

“The whole (global warming) thing is created to destroy America's free enterprise system and our economic stability”

Re: 9/11 attacks "...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians, the ACLU... I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."

See ya in Hell, Jer-Jer!

John Mayer - WTF??

What's going on with John Mayer? WTF is with that hair?

Today I saw a photo of him and I thought for a moment it was a picture of the Cure's Robert Smith.

The Robert Smith look barely looked OK for Robert Smith.

This Week in Google Searches

To the individuals who stumbled across my blog this week from the following Google searches, my apologies that you didn't find what you were looking for.

• "Helen Mirren's boobs"
• "Poon" (yay!)
• "Wipe that grin"
• "Automatic Slims"
• "Hipsters suck"
• "IKEA Persion rugs bad"
• "Those cherry juggs"
• "How boring whitebread am I? quiz"
• "Food meaning monte cristo"
• "Crocs Walgreens"
• "Orange County monte cristo sandwiches"
• "Ever since I can remember I've been poppin my collar" (Seriously, I get this one weekly.)
  

Sorry. But come back next week -- I may blog about seeing Helen Mirren (and her cherry juggs/boobs) poppin' her collar eating a monte cristo sandwich in Orange County wearing Crocs she got at Walgreens.

And poon.

Here's a Headline You Just Hate to See...

Is nothing safe anymore? Jeez, if dance faceoffs are now potentially fatal, I might as well just not go out anymore.

I've turned into Mrs. Fletcher...

Some Things You Should Know...

... About the Cherry Ride Official "Break" and Things I've Been Doing:

1. No, I'm not dead. Or mad at you. But thanks for all the e-mails and concerns.
2. It has been a bit weird taking this time off, but it has been good.
3. If you haven't yet watched "Flavor of Love: Charm School" you best start watching. It's gold, people. Broadcasting gold.
4. I do intend to come back at some point. When that will be, I'm not sure. Just don't give up on me.
5. I plan to make a more concerted effort to read and comment to y'all's blogs.
6. Since I'm not blogging, I've been spending my time getting some exercise - running a few days a week, biking to work, getting back into the pool. Feels good.
   
7. I'm seriously considering starting a search for a new job.
   
8. That new Doritos flavor - Smokin' Cheddar BBQ - isn't very good and should lose out to Wild White Nacho.

PROPER

Since I'm on a break, Tino

and Dear Mother would like to say hello.

In other news, if any of my DC friends are looking to buy a great house in an, ahem, "up-and-coming" NE neighborhood, mine is for sale.

Earth to Cherry Ride...

...Umm, anyone out there want to guest author a post for me over the next few days?

Seriously, I'd like to keep the Cherry Ride from entropy and I don't see myself returning for at least another few days (or maybe longer). The guest author can choose the topic and everything, and virtually no subject is verboten.

C'mon - its a win-win for everybody!

Send me an e-mail (you can find it in my profile) if you're interested (or bored) and let's get this party started.

PROPER

Is It Wrong?

...That it is only late March and I'm already longing for the cool, comforting weather that only the Fall can bring?

Yeah, I thought so too.

Not only am I not ready for warm temperatures, I'm kinda wishing they won't come at all. Do I not deserve a Spring this year?

OK, I'll shut up now.

PS - Per my last entry, I'm still on a "break." I just couldn't stay away, is all....

Phoning It In

Although I try to write a few times a week, sometimes I just can't muster up the energy.
So instead of just phoning it in (kinda like yesterday's post), I'm gonna just take a little vacation for a few days. Nothing big. I'll still be around, just not here on the Ride.

Proper.

Paul Poon

I got this email into my work inbox from Paul Poon. (Yeah, that's right, Paul Poon.)
Can anyone translate from Chinese? Because I'm dying to know what this email from Mr. Poon is about - surely some awesome investment opportunity being made available by Poon only for me. Which I think could be cool because until this email, I hadn't even known about Paul Poon.

I'm particularly interested in the stuff written by Poon in red.

How can I respond to Poon if I don't understand what he's offering? I really feel as though this is could be a great offer from Paul Poon. Sigh. I suppose I will just have to cross my fingers and hope that I receive another message - this time in English - from Poon.

PS - I'm just going to guess that in a day or so if you type in the words "Paul Poon" into your search engine, this blog entry will come up. Or maybe even the word "Poon." Because that would, you know, be like, awesome.

Monte Cristo

I've hardly ever met a sandwich I didn't like. But have you ever had a Monte Cristo?

Last night Richard, Loaf and I went to the Melrose Diner for dinner. I couldn't make up my mind from the large sandwich selection, so feeling pressure to order I chose the Monte Cristo. I had never had one before, but the menu description read that it had ham, turkey and cheese - what's not to like about that?

Apparently I didn't read the description hard enough because That shit has french toast for bread. Huh? Tasting ham, cheese, turkey and sweet custard-like bread all in the same mouthful is kinda a gross turnoff. It came with a side of maple syrup, for chrissakes.

If I wanted a McGriddle sandwich (also gross), I would have gone to McDonald's and saved myself a few bucks. *

Moral of the story: avoid the Monte Cristo.

* However, that did not stop me from eating half of it last night, then the other half for lunch today.