People Are Stupid 2008 (Pt. III)

At Starbucks this morning, I order my drink (btw, it is amazing how quickly a $50 gift card runs out) and then while I'm waiting I take my RedEye and go put it at a table. After putting down the newspaper, I go up to the counter to get my drink.


In the meantime, a see a guy walk in and put his stuff down at the same small table that I've put my newspaper, then go stand in line to order his coffee. I'm a bit annoyed but not really, since it isn't as though I'd expect him to know that was my newspaper.

Once my coffee comes up, I take it, go back to the table where I'd put the Red Eye, take the newspaper and move to the next table over.

A few minutes later the other guy sits down at the table, and noticing that the Red Eye is gone, frowns, looks over to me and the following moronic conversation ensues:
Guy: "Is that the newspaper that was right here?
Me: "Yes, it is."
Guy: "Hmmpf. I was reading that."
Me (thinking:) OK, so you're a liar and an idiot. "No. No, actually you weren't. I was reading it. You see, I set it down at the table before you came in, and while I was waiting for my coffee you came in and took my seat."
Guy: "Oh... Sorry."
Me: "Not a problem."

Douchie McDouchebag

People Are Stupid 2008 (Pt. II)

So yesterday I'm at the same Walgreens as last time, and an even stupider thing happens.

I'm standing in line waiting for the next available cashier and this guy walks right past me to stand behind a woman who has just paid for her stuff and is about to leave. WTF?

For those of you not familiar with the typical layout of a Walgreens checkout area (they're all the same), trust me when I say that there's no way this person couldn't recognize that I'm standing in line waiting for the next cashier. You have to be either 1) a moron, or 2) an asshole not to see it. Either way, it is behaviour that I cannot fucking stand in other people. That disrespectful notion that someone else's time is fundamentally more important than someone else's. Christ, I hate that shit.

I say "excuse me, but there's a line" and he's all apologetic and then comes to stand next to me. When the woman is done and the cashier says "next in line" the idiot turns to me and says, "Go ahead."

Like he's doing me a favor by letting me proceed.

Really? I can go ahead now? You're giving me permission to go? Geez thanks - you're such a nice guy. Fuck off, douchebag.

Swear to God, someday that Walgreens is going to burn down to the ground, if you know what I'm saying.

People Are Stupid 2008 (Pt. I)

So I am at Walgreens this morning on my way into work and something happened that reminded me that I hate most people because they're stupid.

I'm in line waiting for the next available cashier. There's also a person behind me waiting too. And then in strolls this older woman, in a hurry. She's nicely dressed, but she's wearing her sunglasses for chrissakes, like she's all cool. Mind you, it is a typical January grey day in Chicago, in fact it is snowing. Yet she's wearing her sunglasses. Indoors. When it is snowing outside. God, I hate that shit.

Anyway, she's acting like she's in this huge hurry and she begins walking straight up to the cashier. As she is doing that, she sees me standing at the opposite end and she asks, "Are you in line?" What a ridiculous question. Like I'm standing in Walgreens with a banana and a juice in my hand for my health or something. Just for shits and giggles. So I say, "Yes."

Then she says, "I just have to get cigarettes." Like if she doesn't get a god-damned Marlboro Light into her mouth at this very second, her insides are going to fall out or something.

So I say: "Well, I just have to get a banana. So..."

I'm not sure what she expected me to reply. "Oh, well then that case, then by all means cut in front of me -- your time is certainly more valuable than mine is! Plus, you're wearing your sunglasses inside on a cloudy day so obviously you are an important person."

She gives me this look like I'm the asshole in this situation and then waits her proper turn in line (or at least waits until I'm done. I can't really say if she tried the same story with the woman behind me but I don't think so.)

Swear to God, I hate people sometimes.

PS - this was written in the classic Holden Caulfield/Catcher in the Rye style. I hope you enjoyed.

The Window Seat (Or: Why Old People Should Not Be Allowed to Fly)

[This is a visual approximation of the old couple in question. Except mine weren't as attractive or pleasant looking.]

I’m a big fan of the window seat. When travelling alone, I pretty much require it. Everyone knows the middle seat sucks and I don’t like the aisle. I usually book my tickets online and aside from the convenience, online booking is great because you can pick your seats. I always choose the window because I like to sleep on planes, and it is easiest to do in the window seat, and also because when I’m not sleeping, I like to look out the window at the pretty clouds and shit.

Yesterday I board the plane from Portland towards Chicago and I see that there is an old couple sitting in my aisle, and the old lady is sitting in the windows seat. My seat. At this point I could choose one of three options: 1) say nothing and just sit in the available seat, which is the aisle; 2) inform the Biddy that she’s in my seat and demand that she sit in her assigned seat; or 3) point out to the couple that one of them is sitting in the wrong seat, but offer to take the aisle anyway.

In the spirit of educating the couple of their faux-pas so they don’t get into other potentially uncomfortable situations later (people aren’t generally as nice as I am* and next time they may get some belligerent jerk yelling at them), I choose option #3, even though I am tired and want to sleep and everyone knows that trying to sleep in the aisle seat is a losing proposition since you always get clipped by people walking by, and you always have to get out of the seat when the person at the window or middle seat has to use the washroom. Plus, we’ve all seen these situations before where someone is sitting in the wrong seat and the person that calls them on it ends up looking like a big jerk and I didn’t want to be that guy.

What I want to say is, “Excuse me, but this ain’t Southwest Airlines and you can’t just sit anywhere you want – I don’t care how old you are – but all is cool and I’ll take the aisle.” But instead the conversation goes like this:

Me: “Excuse me, I believe you may be sitting in my seat, but I’ll just take the aisle.”
The two of them just look at me and then Biddy says to her husband: “What?”
Me: “I think you are in my seat. But that’s OK – I will just take the aisle.”
One again the two of them look at each other (not me) and she once again asks her husband (again, not me as if I’m not really there): “What?”
Me (directly to the grandma, who has that deer-in-the-headlights look, disturbingly similar to the look the woman who practically ran me over in her car**): “Is that your seat?”
Grandma: “B’idunno.”

In case you weren't aware, “B’idunno” is a substitute for the phrase “I don’t know” and is commonly used by indifferent teenagers. It is rarely spoken by anyone over the age of 22, let alone an old lady. When it became clear that I wasn’t going to get any other answers or response out of the old bird (frankly, I was expecting a “My goodness! I am sorry for sitting in your seat!”), I just settled into the aisle seat and no further words were exchanged.

And of course I tried to sleep during the flight but was continually woken by the banging of the snack cart, fat people walking down the aisle, and the icing on the cake - the old couple next to me having to evacuate their bowels not just once but TWICE during the 4 hour flight. Moving forward, I do believe that I will no longer be nice to old people (that I'm not related to) - they try to kill me or deprive me of much-needed sleep.

* I suppose this point is debatable.
** Just be warned that as time goes on that whole biking incident story is going to get more dramatic – by next month I will be referring to this story as “the time I was almost killed.”

I'm Not Going to Make Too Much of a Big Deal About This, But ...

... My prayers have been answered. (Thanks, Classy, for the tip.)

In other news: On my bike ride into the Loop today, I was actually hit/sideswiped by a car. As in, my body actually came into contact with the car. I was riding in the bike lane, and the driver came up next to me and tried to make a right-hand turn, pushing me to the curb.

Luckily she was going slow, but I wasn't. She didn't hear the initial "thud" sound of me coming into contact with her rightside back door, but she did hear the "thud" created as I kicked - hard - at her back bumper.

She stopped the car and I swung around to the drivers side window and the hilarious* conversation that ensued went like this:

Me: "You hit me!"
Her: "...."
Me: "You HIT me. With YOUR CAR!"
Her: "Sorry?"
Me: (Sensing that she did not speak English, I made hand gestures showing her car [left hand] running into me [right hand]): YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR CAR. YOUR CAR HIT ME. ON MY BIKE."
Her: "Oh... Sorry. I sorry."
(At this point a few people on the sidewalk had stopped, but I didn't care if I was making a spectacle - I was fucking pissed.)
Me: "You need to pay attention to where you're going! This here is a bike lane. For bikers!"
Her: "I sorry."

I'm reasonably confident, based on my interaction with her and the general condition of her vehicle, that she didn't have insurance and had something happened, my own insurance would have been picking up the whole fucking tab. This woman made no attempt to ask if I was OK; she was more concerend about trying to get away. Fucking people.

* And by "hilarious" I of course mean "so help me, if I had a knife I'd gut you like a grouper."