Ring This, Bitches

Do you know what/who "Dale Caliente" is?
Or "HT Jennifer"?
How about "Daddy Yankee Feat. Nicky Jam"
Or "Te Quise Olvidar"?

Me neither. But apparently the ass-munches who broke into my car on Christmas Eve and stole my phone do, as they downloaded these and about $73 worth of other ring tones and images during the wee hours of Dec. 24th.

Seriously. I got my wireless bill today and there were $73 dollars worth of ring tones. All downloaded in a 30-minute period.

At least Cingular was kind enough to erase them from my bill (note: this is probably the first and last time a kind word about Cingular will ever be published from this blog).

If anybody in Chicago recently bought a razor phone off of Craigslist and it comes with a "Me Quedan Todas" ring tone (whatever the fuck that is), let me know.

In other news: Good luck today Richard!

2007: More Vodka Tonics

The people have spoken.

Vodka Tonic Haiku:

O clear sweet nectar
Grey Goose and Absolut yum!
Waitress one more please

Feel free to write your own VT haiku.
A new CRQOW will appear shortly.

The Liar's Club

As if you need yet another crappy blog to read, please head over to The Liar's Club, a group blog run by Niner, Classy, Dr. Ken and me. Trust me, it is gonna rock your lame ass.*

The first post serves as a little introduction and tells you 20 things you didn't but probably should know about the LC.

* Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday.

Should I Be Worried?

Strange gassy smell grips Manhattan...
Dozens of birds found dead in Austin, shutting down 10 blocks...
Reports of UFOs in Chicago...

You Decide.

Happy 30th

Click here and wish the green guy on the left a Happy 30th Birthday. He'll need all the good wishes he can get.

What I Learned Over My Christmas Vacation

1. There are some family holiday situations that not even alcohol can make better.
2. It is possible to eat your own body weight in sugar.
3. It only takes about 3 days to forget what gifts you got for Christmas.
4. I do enjoy a drink called the “Bahama Mama” especially when an extra shot of vodka is added.
5. You can get 12 hours of sleep and still be tired enough to take an afternoon nap.
6. I really really miss HGTV and TLC.
7. The mere act of crossing the state line into Indiana can make you 10 pounds fatter.
8. I won’t implode if I spend more that 24 hours away from my computer.
9. While historically considered really lame songs, Madonna’s “Holiday” and Kool & the Gang’s “She’s Fresh” aren’t so bad after a few glasses of champagne.
   

Push the Button*

Yep, it was as cold as it looks.

Because I wanted to kick-start the New Year, at noon today Richard and I went down to the annual Polar Plunge event at North Ave. Beach.

I’m not normally one of these people that thinks it’s fun or cool to go for a swim in Lake Michigan on New Years, but this year it felt like something I really wanted to do. I don’t typically make resolutions but over the past week as I would reflect on 2007 there are some specific things I want to accomplish, all of which will take Strength, Courage, Commitment and Focus. For me to do a Polar Plunge would require at least three of those things, so I thought it would be a good symbolic test.

Plus, it helped having Richard there to encourage me. As soon as I even brought up the idea he was practically running for the car keys and the towel. Unfortunately for him (ahem), he had a really bad cold and decided to cheer from the beach instead of taking the dip with me.

When we arrived at North Ave., the parking lot was already full and people were gathering on the beach. I didn’t quite know what to expect, but it was like we crashed a big beach party. There were probably 250 people there (I think about 100 of whom participated) and everyone was in a festive mood. Or still drunk from the night before.

WTF am I doing here???
[Have I mentioned how much I love my hat? I thought about wearing it into the water.]

Ten minutes before noon I took off my shoes to get my feet accustomed to the cold. Standing barefoot on cold sand in the middle of winter feels exactly as you imagine it would - fucking cold. A few minutes later I stripped off my pants and soon I was shivering from both the cold and adrenaline. Up to this point I really wasn’t sure if I could do it, but I pretty much figured that now there was no turning back.

Definitely no turning back now...

At about noon there was a big frenzy and everyone started rushing into the water, and I followed suit. It’s best not to think too much about what you're doing and allow yourself to go with the flow. Some people were immediately diving under, others were making their way steadily towards deeper water (I was one of those), others were running in and immediately running back out. Most everyone, however, was in and out of the water in seconds. I tried a few times to just fall into waves and get it over with, but I was so cold I kept losing my breath. I feared a complete loss of bowel control was imminent and unavoidable. I wanted to get back to shore.

As I watched more and more people do their business and head back to the beach I thought about just turning around and calling it a day. I had gone in up to my waist and thought, well, this is the best I’m going to do. But as I looked to shore I saw Richard there cheering me on and I knew that I would be really disappointed if I didn’t go all the way under since that’s what I came out here to do. It felt like one of those now-or-never moments and fuck it, you only live once (and I don’t plan on doing this again next year).

I wish I could say that as my body went completely under the surface I felt a tremendous sense of achievement, or that I felt “reborn” or some bullshit like that, but it happened so fast that there was no time to contemplate any great symbolic accomplishment. The next thing I knew I was running back to the shore, the feeling in my feet and toes completely missing. On the plus side, as far as I could tell my bowels had behaved themselves nicely (although my testicles were somewhere near my sternum).

Look closely at that thing going under water on the far left.
That would be me.

And that boys and girls, was that. Over the next few minutes Richard helped me get dressed back into warm clothing and feeling began returning to my extremities. I thanked him because if he wasn’t there I would have never done it, and he thanked me for the good show. For the rest of the day I felt high and it was a good way to start the year, I figure.

Happy 2007 Bitches!

* "Push the Button" is a kickass song from the Sugababes, that also may be my unofficial theme song for the year. If you don't know this song, you should.

2007 Resolutions

Making their last appearance of the year, the Cherry Ride Players are here to recite their resolutions for 2007.

(click on the image to enlarge)

A [Cherry] Ride (Sorta) XMas Tale

When I woke up on Christmas Eve I thought it would be nice to call friends in London that morning before my day got too busy and wish them a Merry Christmas. I realized that I'd left my phone in the car and Richard volunteered to go down to the street to get it. He came back a few minutes later and gently told me that the car had been broken into and the phone was gone.

I got my coat on and went down to see for myself. Someone had shattered the passenger side window of my car, reached in and took my cell phone. I couldn't fucking believe it. On Christmas Eve!

For a few minutes I was so angry I was shaking. I harbored fantasies of catching the asshole(s) in the act, while also holding in my hands a large, heavy iron monkey wrench (why a monkey wrench I'm not so sure but that's besides the point) and enjoying the feeling of said monkey wrench landing squarely into the skull of the perps.

But then something strange occurred a few minutes later as I prepared to help Richard clean out the car. I remembered something that had happened to me two weeks ago...

... My boss and I had driven out to Glendale Heights one afternoon for a client meeting. Along the way we had taken a wrong turn, became lost and were now about 15 minutes late. We were stopped at a busy intersection, about to make a left turn, and since we just got the green arrow, were about to make the turn. As this was happening a driver decided to run her red light and as she sped through the intersection she lost control of her car and came veering right towards us, missing our car head-on by literally a foot. Her car smashed into the car next to us and careened into the curb. It was like watching one of those new Jetta commercials where one moment your talking to your friend and the next a car blindsides you. I have no doubt that had we been just a foot further into the intersection we would have been hit by her 40 mph-speeding-car and I'd be (at a minimum) hospitalized.

But the really weird part of that incident is that we weren't even supposed to be at that intersection at that time anyway -- had we not got lost we would have already been at the client meeting and nowhere near that intersection. So did I witness this near-death experience for a reason? I dunno and try not to think about that stuff too much anyway. But there's a part of me that thinks this happened to make me realize how short life can be, and to appreciate the life I've got.

So as I walked back to the car with the vacuum cleaner, I decided to just Let It Go. Life is too short to get worked up about this stuff, and besides, it's Christmas Eve. There are millions of people on this Earth who have it worse off than I do. If this was to be my biggest problem that day, well then I think I've got it pretty good.

And as I processed this single liberating thought I actually smiled to myself. It felt good.

So here I am three days later. I've got a new phone (minus all my numbers, but I'll get them back) and the car is fixed. And in the grand scheme of things, I'm alive and healthy and alive to celebrate the Holiday Season. * (Besides, that phone sucked. It was one of those Motorola Razrs and I don't care what you say, those phones suck it. Hard.)

Happy New Year Everyone.

* However, if I ever DO catch those motherfuckers, for their sake I'd better not have a monkey wrench near.

No Time For Love Dr. Jones

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary that I've had this [Cherry] Ride. I started it because I'd just closed a large chapter in my life - I wrote my first entry the day after I left DC, the day I resigned my job, and the day before I hopped on a plane for Australia. It was time to start something new and my old blog just wasn't going to cut it.


It has been a fun ride so far, and since I'll be joining three pals in launching a sweet group blog very very soon, I think 2007 is going to be fun too. Thanks to all my friends who've kept me going, and thanks to the new friends I've made over the past year.

Merry Christmas

This is the first time in 14 years where I didn't have to get on a plane if I wanted to celebrate Christmas in Chicago with my family. 14 years!

Even though it was my choice to move back here, sometimes I forget why and wish I was somewhere else.

Then my mom called me at work on Friday with a problem she was having (which is unusual for her). We talked for several minutes, and I told her everything was going to be OK. At the end of the call she said she was sorry to have called me at work and that sometimes she just needed someone to talk through her problems. I told her it was fine and that I was glad she called. She ended with call with "I'm glad you're back," and as she said "I love you" I could hear a little emotion in her voice, which of course got me all flustered.

And that's why I moved back to Chicago.

Anyway, if you have seven minutes, the Sweeney Sisters would like to wish you Merry Christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Holiday Cards

I’m a total slacker and do not generally send out holiday cards.

I blame it on the fact that about 10 years ago I got all ambitious and bought a stack of cards, and spent about 10 hours writing long sincere messages in each. I sent them out (on time) and about a week later I came home from work to find the whole lot of them sitting in a pile in my mail box with “insufficient postage” stamped all over them. Apparently, square cards need extra postage because the US postal system is a piece of shit (but you all knew that already). It pissed me off
so much that I decided I’d probably never send a Xmas card again.

Last week Richard and I went out and bought a small box of Christmas cards and actually wrote some out and sent them. Hopefully I’ve learned my postage lesson and these cards will actually get to their intended recipients (most of whom live in Australia).

Why am I writing this? Mostly to accomplish a few things:

1. Serve as a thank you to those friends of mine who have sent us cards. You are sweet and much better people than I am. Know that even though you’ve sent me a card you are likely not getting one in return, at least this year. It doesn’t mean I’m an ingrate. It just means that I’m lame.
2. Serve as some kind of (really really lame) HAPPY HOLIDAYS message to all of you out there; and:
3. Serve as an advanced apology to those of you who were expecting a holiday card and have not/will not get one from me this year.

Maybe I’ll be better next year. Maybe. But I’m definitely not making any promises on that one.

Very Scared

I was just told by my boss that on Thursday there will be a "team building" event starting at 1:30, prior to our company Holiday Dinner Party. But what has me scared is what he said immediately following that:

"Be sure to bring a beach towel you don't mind getting dirty."

So to recap: I need to bring a beach towel. That will get dirty. To my company team builder. In December.

... I think I'm calling in sick on Thursday.

Under Construction

Hello Boys & Girls.

Please bear with me as I work through some template issues. I tried making some "small" changes to the blog last night and, well, things got a bit out of hand.

Until then, enjoy this lovely photo of a squirrel.

PROPER!

Holiday Hell: The Company XMas Party (Pt. I)

Is there anything worse than the Company Holiday party?
Walking that tightrope of: 1) not drinking too much because you don't want to make an ass of yourself, and 2) really, really, really wanting to drink too much just so you can get through the torture of having to be friendly to your bosses in a social setting?

I've been lucky that in the past I've worked for organizations where either:
1) I liked the people I worked with; or
2) the company was big enough that nobody paid any attention to me; or
3) both.

This year I am not so lucky because I work for a company of nine people, very few of whom I would associate with outside of work (just as I'm sure most of them would not care to spend time with me). Which means there will be no fading into the background or excusing myself to go to the bathroom and then climbing through the window to escape without someone noticing. I will actually need to be "social" and "witty" and "engaged in conversation" and "not a threat to national security." It sucks.

Reading Wingman's thoughts on her company party (as well as several other's adventures and thoughts) and the fact that mine is in a few days got me thinking about all the other work holiday parties I've attended and some of the bad things that have happened. On the one hand, I'm hoping my company party goes smoothly and without incident. On the other, it would be great to add a few items to the list below for next year:

Worst Company Holiday Party Moments (in order of significance):

1. First off we can start here as a warm-up.
2. Me spilling a run and coke and the brand new white carpeting in my boss' house. (For as long as I worked there - which was a year - he never let me forget it.) Bonus: I wasn't even drunk!
3. Me introducing my date/friend to my boss, and my boss responding to her with: "You have nice tits." Bonus: my friend/date calling him a prick to his face. (No, I didn't stay with that company very long after.)
4. Me smoking a cigar (my first ever) with my boss and getting so buzzed and nauseous from it that I needed to leave the room and use the wall as a means to keep steady and not fall over. Bonus: only about three co-workers saw this.
   
5. Me using the bushes behind my boss' neighbor's garage to vomit from smoking a cigar (see #4 above). Bonus: it was fucking raining outside and I got wet.
6. Me getting behind the bar at the club my company rented out for the holiday party and attempting to play bartender to co-workers and executives. Bonus: I actually made a vodka tonic for one of the VPs.
   
7. Me getting yelled at by the real bartenders for getting behind the bar at the club my company rented out for the holiday party and attempting to play bartender to co-workers and executives. Bonus: there are photos of this.
8. Me thinking it would be funny to lay across the bar while a coworker got a photo of it. Bonus: None. There's no upside to that.
9. Attempting to get down with the clown on the dancefloor with the CEO of my company. Bonus: Hard to say -- for awhile afterwards she knew who I was, but I don't know if its because she liked that I danced with her or because she thought I was an idiot. I prefer to think the former.

Stay tuned next week for an update... Proper.

Cherry Ride Tips for Triumphant Living #3

When brushing your teeth, refrain from singing aloud to the Wilco song* coming from the stereo. Because jamming your toothbrush into your gums because you're trying to hit that high note hurts like a mother bitch.

* Note: it doesn't even have to be a Wilco song. I suspect your mouth will bleed just as much from trying to sing any other song from any other artist.

Other CRTFTLs can be found here and here.

Happy Monday

... Sometimes I just can't be bothered.

In other news:

Fuck off, blogger. **

** if this entry makes no sense to you, don't worry as it shouldn't.

Actual Dreams/Nightmares I’ve Had in the Last Three Weeks

Ranked in order from least to most disturbing:

1. Went to go see a movie, but we kept going to the wrong theater.
2. Went shopping on a street in a strange city that resembled London, only this city street was about 30 stories up in the sky and there was constant danger of falling off the sidewalk. And I don’t even think I bought anything!
3. Boarded a train for a long journey away from home, saying an emotional goodbye to all my friends and family, only to have the train drop me off minutes later right where I started.
4. I began falling backwards down the marble-like stairs in Kane Hall (the assembly hall at my grade school).
5. It was hot day in the city, and every attempt I made to drive to the beach was blocked by traffic, construction, or my car simply not working.
6. Went for a swim at Maroubra Beach, when suddenly a storm came up and the water turned green and I started to drown.
7. My teeth became brittle and began falling out one by one, with bits of them getting stuck in my gums causing me to constantly spit in order to get them out.
8. Had to eat big live bugs ala “Fear Factor” style, only I wasn’t on a game show or in a contest; I just had to eat them for some reason. And it was difficult – they kept crawling out of my mouth as I tried to swallow them. (Later in this same dream, I tried to vomit the bugs out of my stomach but they were so packed in there nothing would come up/out.)
9. Tried leaving comments on other people's blogs, but Blogger wouldn't let me!

12 Hangovers of Christmas

Results from last week's CRQOW are in.
It seems a slight majority of you (about 28%) are staying faithful to the True Meaning of Christmas by being drunk/hungover throughout the Holiday Season. Bravo -- I expect to hear stories of drunken company holiday parties, bar brawls and alcohol-fueled fights with family members over the next four weeks.

Disappointingly, slightly less than a quarter of you will be whoring it up this month. Either that, or many of you are just plain lying. C'mon people, I expected more from you.

Unrelated: Is anyone else having problems leaving comments on other people's blogs? I haven't been able to for over a week now. And it is pissing me off!

Thoughts I've Had On My Way to Work Today

[Ed. note: for those of you not living in Chicago, we got dumped with about a foot of wet snow overnight, making the morning commute a bit hectic. Also, I walked 30 minutes to work this morning.]

In chronological order:

1. This is awesome. I love the snow!
2. Hmmm – Maybe I should just take the bus instead of walking. My feet are getting a little wet.
3. I love snow and all, but this is getting ridiculous.
4. Hey you, girlie over there - you aren’t going to last 5 minutes in that skirt. This isn’t Miami.
5. A little snow is fine, but this is bullshit.
6. Every bus is full. I guess I'll keep walking. This is bullshit.
7. Where did this hill come from??
8. It’s literally snowing upside down. WTF! This is bullshit!
9. Mother fucker!
10. When is it going to be summer? This is bullshit.
11. Bullshit!!