New York State of Mind (Pt. I)

My flight back to Chicago has been delayed by two hours, so I might as well write about my NYC weekend, since I've got nothing else to do. I briefly thought about liveblogging from the wireless lounge here at the JetBlue terminal, but that would be funny for about two seconds. If at all.

My friend Krista and I had planned this weekend for awhile, and the timing was great since I've been pretty stressed out from school and work. Although I've calculated that I've slept about eleven hours over the last three days so that fucking cold I've had over the last three weeks probably ain't going way any time soon. Isn't the point of a weekend getaway to relax? I'm returning more tired then I was when I left. But whateves. This is New York we're talking about here, bitches.

Krista and I arrived into JFK Friday around the same time. We haven't seen each other since May, and the first thing she says to me is that I look like I should be in Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" video (I've got a black coat, jeans, black boots and a hat that she thinks looks rather military - kinda like this, I suppose - but she's of course wrong). This is just the first of several comments to be made by Krista and others about my appearance all weekend.

Because we spent most of the afternoon trying to get tickets to a show (we ended up seeing Avenue Q, which was great), I didn't make it down to visit my old co-workers. We really wanted to see Spring Awakening, and almost did, except my "connection" fell through at the last minute (not getting tickets to Spring Awakening would come back to haunt us Saturday, since most all of that afternoon too was spent hanging around Times Square, standing in line outside in the cold, and then later filling the void left by not going to a show Saturday night by drinking too many vodka lemonades and listening to Pebbles and Roxette in our hotel room. But I'm getting ahead of myself.)

After Avenue Q, we headed down to the Meatpacking District for dinner and ended up at some bar with a pig" or "barbecue" (or both) in the title. How we ended up there is rather a long story that involves us not wanting to get into another cab (it was cold), a pretty solid buzz (an alarming amount of good beer and martinis at dinner), a supposedly good chance at a celebrity sighting and a miscommunication/bad cell phone reception with a friend. It turned out to be a solid choice as we made new friends with some people from New Zealand and got tequila shots from some kids from Jersey (one of whom was highly complementary by saying he thought I "looked British" and also "about 25" -- I wanted to buy him a tequila shot). There was also the threat of me getting my ass potentially kicked by a woman in a nasty white leather coat (trust me, it was hideous) and/or her boyfriend.

When I went to scope out the jukebox, Krista got hit on by some sad middle aged business traveler from London, who was celebrating his last night in town and was desperately trying to get laid. He told me I was a lucky man to have such a lovely girlfriend, and then let it slip out that he was married (Huh? You were just hitting on my friend.). A little later, when Krista scoped out the jukebox (for some "These Dreams" by Heart and something by REO Speedwagon -- I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out of the bar), he came back to our corner and then told me that Krista was lucky to have such a lovely boyfriend. I'm thinking: Are you that desperate to get laid that you're now hitting on me? Sadcakes.

The evening ended with us closing the bar and me later making friends with two women at a bank of ATMs in Times Square (because frankly, I can't get enough of Times Square*) around 5:15 in the morning. One of them had just broken up with her boyfriend, and as she's talking to her friend about it, I blurt out "Men are bastards" and then they're all "I know, right?" and next thing we're just talking and hanging out for about 25 minutes in this bank lobby and one of them is inviting me to hang out with her at the Hudson Hotel for Saturday night (I tell her I love the Hudson and dude, I'll totally be there!) and they're both giving me their digits. And yeah, I totally forgot to call them Saturday (not that it was likely going to happen anyway) which is too bad because they were pretty cool.

OK, enough for now. Time to grab some dinner at the Papaya King and start praying that I won’t be stuck here all evening.

* I'm of course being sarcastic.

Quiz

In the last two weeks have you:

1. Not eaten a vegetable, or anything else of any significant nutritional value?
2. Been frustrated that you have not been able to shake off the same fucking persistent cold you’ve had for the past three weeks?
3. Broke out into laughter in public for no apparent reason, kinda like a crazy person?
4. Broke down into tears in public for no apparent reason, kinda definitely like a crazy person?
5. Walked 100 meters out of your way to take an escalator, just to avoid walking the flight of stairs right in front of you?
6. Failed two Chemistry quizzes? (Granted, only worth about 1% of your grade, but still…
7. Honestly thought – even just for a few seconds - that perhaps the Virgin Mary was speaking to you through your car radio?
8. Gone to bed on a Saturday “night” at 5:45 in the afternoon (that’s right – afternoon – not morning), and slept all the way through until the next morning at 9am (that’s 15 hours for those counting)?
9. Been both sad and relieved that you don’t have tickets to Friday’s Spice Girls show?
   

If you answered “Fuck Yeah” to ALL the above questions, then Congratulations – you’re probably me!

Be sure to throw yourself from a 7th story window at your earliest convenience.

john.he.is (Or: Super DUPER Tuesday)

It isn't my intention to get political two entries in a row, but my friend Kathy sent to me this new viral video homage to John McCain - the Republican nominee for President in 2008 - and it is pretty funny.

And by "funny" I of course mean in that "scary" and "bat-shit crazy" kind of way.

After last week's Obama posting, I think it is only fair that I post McCain's. I don't want to be accused of not giving both sides equal access.

Super Tuesday

Happy Super Tuesday everone.

So Will.I.Am from Black Eyed Peas has put out a video in support of Barack Obama, which is getting a lot of play.

On the one hand, I applaud the video and what he's (sorry, I refuse to type "Will.I.Am" one more time) doing to use his celebrity to raise awareness and endorse a candidate. And the video itself does a good job of highlighting some of the words from Barack's speech, which can be inspiring.

On the other hand, this is kinda lame, isn't it? If you're going to make a video filled with celebrities, shouldn't it have, well, better celebrities? I mean, c'mon -- the chick from Grey's Anatomy? That kid who was in that movie a few years ago with Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep? This is Barack Obama we're talking about; was nobody else available? At the very least, couldn't he have recruited the rest of the Black Eyed Peas?

And who is the video targeted towards? Young people? Do young people even know who Herbie Hancock is? Has anyone under the age of 30 ever listened to a John Legend song? (Although kudos for digging Kareem Abdul Jabar from obscurity.)

Plus, there isn't a product out there that Will.I.Am won't endorse. In the last three years, he's shilled for Apple, the Gap, Verizon, Honda, XM Satellite Radio and MSN. Seriously. I think his reputation as a celebrity with discerning good taste is starting to wear thin.

Yeah, I'm a dick.

This Week on VH1

You might think that I watch a lot of TV. VH1 specifically. Not true - I just run a treadmill at the gym for 20+ minutes. That's pretty much all it takes to keep up with America's favorite cable adult contemporary music video channel.

Only two things worth pointing out this week, really:

Maroon 5 - "Won't Go Home Without You"

Lame song.

Bad haircut, Adam (still!).

But nice pants. O so very nice pants.

Sara Bareilles - "Love Song"

I have to say I think I'm in love with Sara Bareilles. Have you seen this video? She's just so damn cute.

She's the ultimate girl next door. When I see this video, I envision her living in the apartment across the hall. She'd be the neighbor that plays piano and bakes in her spare time. Too busy for a boyfriend. We'd become friendly and she'd occasionally bring over cupcakes or have me sample a new casserole recipe she's working on.

One night she'd come over and we'd watch something on Bravo or HGTV and have a bottle of wine and then she'd say something funny and suddenly I'd lean over and kiss her and she'd jump up from the couch saying "But I thought you were supposed to be gay!" and I'd fumble and say "But I think I'm in love with you!" and "But you're on my List*!" and she'd leave in a hurry and then it would be awkward for a few days and we'd avoid each other in the building and then she'd make it big and move to LA, and then a few years would go by and she'd be in town and invite me to her show and then backstage afterwards we'd joke about that one night I kissed her and we'd laugh and then all would be cool because, you know, she'd be like that.

* The "List" is of the women many Gays Would go Straight For (in my case): Jessica Alba, Jennifer Aniston, Cate Blanchett, Rachel Weisz, sometimes Natalie Portman and now Sara Bareilles.

Howard Baldwin Trophy

I stole this from Julie Gong yesterday (although I've also seen it someplace else I just don't remember where. And Niner's is here.).

This is my band - Howard Baldwin Trophy - and this is our new album "As It Was Before". We're playing the Empty Bottle in March, and you can catch us during our tour of the Mid-Atlantic States this Spring (provided, of course, that our drummer Horatio doesn't relapse).

Our first single, "I Think I Just Sharted (again)!" is getting a lot of critical buzz and there's talk of an appearance soon on Conan.

Things have been going great, actually. Pitchfork called our album "brave" and "experimentally commercial without pandering to general standards of decency or good taste" (I take this as a compliment). Plus, Maggie Gyllenhaal was photographed wearing one of our "I Think I Just Sharted at the Howard Baldwin Trophy show!" t-shirts on Gawker, and our flautist Nick is dating both Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Steve Aoki.

To create your own:

1. To get your band name, go here. The title of the entry is your band's name.
2. Next, go here to get the title of your album. The last four words of the very last quote is the name of your release.
3. Now go here. The third picture shown is your album cover. No cheating.

Things I Hate This Week

1. People Who Don't Know How to Ride the Escalator

Stand on the right, walk on the left. Why is it that everyone does not know this? Every night I go to class, all of which are on the 9th floor. The most convenient way to get there is via the escalator. Never - not once - have I been able to get to my destination quickly because of the idiots that stand on the left, blocking the flow of traffic.

Also, I transfer to the Blue Line train at the Clark/Lake stop, and there's an escalator to take you down to the platform. What is with the people who hear the train coming yet continue to stand there (on the left) and not hurry along? Do you not want to catch the approaching train? I just missed my connecting train last night because of some asshole who refused to move aside. Thanks, douchie!

2. Carnie Wilson

Carnie (nice name, btw) was on The Today Show (or rather that show that is on right after The Today Show) yesterday as a guest host or something, and they were talking about the Heath Ledger tragedy. Carnie's response: "He was so sexy."

Umm, really? This is our reaction to Heath Ledger's death 18 hours later? I'm embarrassed for her.

Also, why is she still fat? Didn't she get her stomach removed a few years ago?

3. Balsamic Vinegar Squirting in Your Eye

I was eating a salad yesterday, and goddamn if that shit doesn't hurt like a mother.

File Under: Supportive Friends

Set-up: I was talking to a friend about some concerns I have over working pretty much full time, managing my two classes this semester and getting an 'A' in both.

Me: "... and then there's Chemistry, which I think is going to be a real nightmare..."
Friend: "But aren't you just taking Basic Chemistry?"
Me: "..."

Thanks, asshole.

People Are Stupid 2008 (Pt. I)

So I am at Walgreens this morning on my way into work and something happened that reminded me that I hate most people because they're stupid.

I'm in line waiting for the next available cashier. There's also a person behind me waiting too. And then in strolls this older woman, in a hurry. She's nicely dressed, but she's wearing her sunglasses for chrissakes, like she's all cool. Mind you, it is a typical January grey day in Chicago, in fact it is snowing. Yet she's wearing her sunglasses. Indoors. When it is snowing outside. God, I hate that shit.

Anyway, she's acting like she's in this huge hurry and she begins walking straight up to the cashier. As she is doing that, she sees me standing at the opposite end and she asks, "Are you in line?" What a ridiculous question. Like I'm standing in Walgreens with a banana and a juice in my hand for my health or something. Just for shits and giggles. So I say, "Yes."

Then she says, "I just have to get cigarettes." Like if she doesn't get a god-damned Marlboro Light into her mouth at this very second, her insides are going to fall out or something.

So I say: "Well, I just have to get a banana. So..."

I'm not sure what she expected me to reply. "Oh, well then that case, then by all means cut in front of me -- your time is certainly more valuable than mine is! Plus, you're wearing your sunglasses inside on a cloudy day so obviously you are an important person."

She gives me this look like I'm the asshole in this situation and then waits her proper turn in line (or at least waits until I'm done. I can't really say if she tried the same story with the woman behind me but I don't think so.)

Swear to God, I hate people sometimes.

PS - this was written in the classic Holden Caulfield/Catcher in the Rye style. I hope you enjoyed.

This Week on VH1

Recently, several friends have mentioned how great those little monitors attached to their gym treadmills are because its the only way they get to watch bad cable TV shows.

I heartily agree. Just this morning I turned in and got a rundown on all the exciting things happening this week on VH1. So be sure to tune in.

Rock of Love II
One of my favorite shows from last year is back, although somehow this time around I can't muster the energy to watch it. The winner of last season, Jess, ditched Michaels for some guy here in Chicago. This is a shock to me because it really seemed like their love was real and going to last.

Anyway, it looks like Bret got a new headband this year (see attached photo), so you know, maybe it will be worth watching.


James Blunt is a Douche
So this morning the Top 20 Countdown is on and along comes the video for James Blunt's "Same Mistake." Have you seen this video? Its James Blunt walking around with the stupid video camera attached to chest or something filming his face as he whines and goes about his daily life.

Like we're all supposed to be so fucking interested in James Blunt that we'd choose to look at nothing but his ugly face for 4 minutes. Who makes videos like this? Answer: People who reeaaalllyyyy like themselves. I was forced to change the channel.

Scott Baio is Also a Douche
Chachi is back for a second season of "Scott Baio is 45 and..." to prove to the world yet again what an asshole he is (you know, in case you didn't figure that out from watching the first season).

Chachi has to be the only douche nugget alive to willingly star in a reality show that does nothing but reveal what a dipshit you are. This time around it looks like he's not only getting married (the horror!) but also, (gasp!) going to be a father! OMG, how can he possibly survive such a horrible fate?

There There Peyton...

I know you're sad.

But I think I can make you feel better.

Call me.

Anthem This, Wankers!

One of the first stores I hit when I arrived in London is my favorite music store, Fopp, near Seven Dials/Covent Garden. Fopp is a small UK chain and has a truly amazing selection of CDs, DVDs and books (that sadly almost went bankrupt earlier this year) and their Covent Garden location is tiny but filled with great shit.

They do a good job with their displays that make it easy to find and discover new music. When I was "living" in London a few years back I frequented the store a few times a week and pretty much any music I discovered when I was living there was thanks to Fopp. Also, most of the discs were between 3 and 6 pounds, which is cheaper than back in the States (discs from Fopp were about the only thing cheaper than back in the States, actually).

Anyway, this post isn't about Fopp as much as it is about the great compilation CDs you can buy in the UK, of which Fopp had a particularly good selection of. If the US sold compliation albums of the same quality, I have not seen them (but then again, I'm not in record stores much these days). Last week I picked up a few pretty solid ones - Radio 1, Soulwax's "2 Many DJs" and some others (I had to stop at 5 since I wouldn't be able to fit much more into my already full suitcase).

One gripe that I have about these and all the compilation CDs I've bought in the UK is the way they keep recycling some of the same music over and over. As much as I love Stereophonics (Kelly Jones - yum), I really don't need "Dakota" on Every. Single. Compliation CD I buy. Same with the La's "There She Goes" - the song is about 20 years old and it is time to give it a rest.

This gripe was exacerbated when I bought "The Anthems 07" thinking it would be a sort of "best of" the year double CD. I didn't lookcarefully enough at the song list until too late, but sure enough the album contains great songs from 2007 such as Pulp's "Common People", Cranberries' "Dreams", Travis' "Why Does It Always Rain on Me" and, yep, even "Dakota."

Makers of UK compilation CDs, I ask you: Is it too much to ask that a disc called "Anthems 07" actually has only songs that were released in 2007?

[This is a photo of the exterior of Fopp in London. So pretty, no?]

So You Can Get Caught Up

Could not be bothered to blog much lately, so let me get you up to speed on some of the highlights the last few weeks...

1. Woke up on Christmas morning around 3am just in time to run to john and begin vomiting into the toilet (a ritual I repeated hourly through the morning). Yes, Santa gave me a flu bug for Xmas this year.
2. Got beer from my parents for Xmas. Seriously. They bought me beer.
3. Went to a Bulls game. This is significant because my whole life I'd never been to a Bulls game. Plus, I won some bottled water.
4. Had to sign up for an unplanned Chemistry course, potentially knocking back my whole nursing school roadmap back a semester.
5. Went ice skating in Millenium Park with Niner and LP. Although not a skater, I think I did OK.
6. After all my bitching, I got an A in Bio.
7. Went to London for New Years (a blog entry in itself).
8. Celebrated part of New Year's Eve in a pub with that actress from Bridget Jones Diary and one of the Harry Potter movies. Also, I wore a pretty gold tiara. (Photos forthcoming.) It is OK to be jealous.
9. Actually reversed a trend by losing weight over the holidays instead of gained (some thanks to #1 above). So at least I got that going for me.

Yay George Bush, Yay Global Warming

So it is in the mid-60s today here in Chicago.
Allow me to point out that it is also January.

On a related note, George Bush is in town to talk about how awesome his "No Child Left Behind" program - which is 6-years old today as a matter of fact - is. He's also meeting with the mayor to discuss Chicago's snowball-in-hell chance of winning the 2016 Olympic Games.

I'll bet money that at some point today he'll make some kind of lame comment like: "My, it sure is warm here in the Windy City!" or "I thought it was supposed to be windy, not warm, here in Chicago!" and the notion that he's done absolute shit about trying to curb global warming will be totally lost on him.

Not that I'm complaining, really - I'm thinking about brining the ol' brown & pink reversable shorts out of storage to celebrate.

Happy 2008

The [Cherry] Ride Players are back to recite my resolutions for 2008. I'm a few days late, so sue me.

(Click on the image to enlarge.)

Happy New Years, y'all.

I Resolve...

I resolve to be a Man About Town singing all the lonely dirges of my youth.

[London at Night]

The Week Ahead

School's out and I've got a short work week and lots of free time on my hands. Sure, I should probably buy some people some Christmas gifts. Maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter or something. Or mistletoeing. But pretty much all I'm looking forward to doing is planting my ass on the sofa and doing this:Seasons I and II. That's some Proper TV, bitches.

PS - I may have a little crush on Charlie, the "volatile loser who lives in filth and displays little ability to cope with day-to-day problems" (according to Wikipedia). Don't judge me.

Actual Comments Made By My Fellow Students in Human Biology Class

To commemorate my last class (and the final exam) tonight, I thought I would share with you a list of actual comments and/or questions made by my classmates during the course of the semester. Believe me when I say I have not altered them in any way. Starting with the second class, I actually began writing these little nuggets down because I couldn't believe the crap I was hearing, and, well, I need something to entertain me during the 2.5 hour class twice a week. Enjoy - I certainly have.

1. (Pointing to a diagram of a human body): "We gotta learn all that for this class? Fuck that. I'm dropping this shit." (As a reminder, this class is called Human Biology, so not sure what this person thought we'd be doing.)
2. "I was told by somebody that if I go on a starvation diet I could actually do damage to my body. Is this true?"
3. "If you were to, like, create a Frankenstein monster, wouldn't the body reject the different body parts because they'd have different genes?"
4. "If somebody were to get liposuction, would the fat cells grow back?"
5. "Is that (type of cell) what causes bladder infections? 'Cuz I got a bladder infection and I don't know why."
6. "Buttered popcorn causes cancer."
7. "Is it true Janet Jackson had one of her ribs removed?"
8. "Wearing large clothing helps prevent Lyme Disease."
9. "If the menstral cycle is 28 days, then what happens during the other 2-3 days?"
10. "What is the best way to refrigerate or freeze the placenta?"
11. "Diarrhea is a diarrhetic."
12. "So I don't need to douche, then?"
13. "I think people who eat meat are disgusting."
14. "Can a 17-pound baby be delivered vaginally?"
15. (In a discussion about the anal cavity): "It's not natural to have something up there, like homosexuals do."

Now that class is over, I guess I will have to find something else to complain about. Until next semester begins, that is.

Open Letter to My Fellow Group Presenters (Part II)

[Above is another photo representation of last week's group project. While ours looked nothing like this, there was definitely some face-hiding in shame, not unlike what is being acted out here. Also, I'm betting this group's presentation was probably more interesting than ours. I'll be the girl on the far right, who seems to be pretending she's not really there, kind of like I was by the time we were done.]

Hello Group.

Yeah, hi. Me again. Last week I gave you some pointers about how to be an effective and contributing member to group presentation project. You know, for the next time. I didn't want to overwhelm you with info so I thought it best to offer just a few tips at once, with the other half to come another time. Like today. Seriously, I do this as a favor to you, so that maybe you won't fucking fail the group you're in next semester. And, like the old couple who took my fucking seat over Thanksgiving, the next person you screw over for an A in class may not be as nice and forgiving as I am. So let's continue, shall we?:

• So public speaking isn’t a strength. No big deal, it isn’t for most of us. We all get nervous. But remember when the teacher told us last month that points would be deducted if we read directly from our notes instead of simply speaking to the class and making eye contact? I’m pretty sure she wasn’t kidding. Again, we discussed this right? And we all said we were comfortable with our material. So for the next time, please for God’s sake DON’T READ DIRECTLY FROM YOUR NOTES FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THE SPEECH.
• If in the middle of our speech we realize we made a mistake, it is often OK to just continue on and not acknowledge to the class that we messed up. Doesn’t look so good for us. Chances are, the class stopped listening to what you were saying about 3 minutes into your seven-minute spiel. They didn’t even notice that you said “Canada” and not “Cuba" (its OK, I totally understand how you could get them confused). Honestly, you could have said “Thousands of new cases in my va-jay-jay” instead of “Thousands of new cases in Cuba” and they probably wouldn’t have caught it. For real: I saw one guy in the class haul out his laptop and check his Facebook while you were talking, for chrissakes.
• Related to the above point, after we do make a mistake and feel some strange need to acknowledge it publically, resist the urge to turn around, look me in the eye and say to me – me! – “Oh. I just messed up.” While I am oddly flattered that you told me as though you thought I could actually do something about your flub, you’d be wrong. Perhaps you thought I’d break into an interpretive dance to somehow distract the class from your mistake? As cool as that might have been, I’m not that spontaneous. Bottom line: If you make a mistake, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF and MOVE ON.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Good luck with finals!

PS - No, I am still not going to help you. You bitches are still on your own for that one.

I Love My Local Starbucks

I'm sitting at my local Starbucks studying, and my table is (unfortunately) right next to the bathrooms. Not really studying, however, as I'm just not into it. I'm pretty much doing everything but studying - reading blogs, texting Niner about poon, talking to my parents (yeah, I'm that distracted), figuring out a shopping list for Target. I've been here about an hour and have only read about 2 pages. Can someone tell me what the hell "Because homologous chromosomes may possess different alleles for the same traits, and there are many genes on one chromosome, the homologues are usually not identical" means?

And if so, will you take my final exam for me?

Anyway, awhile ago a young woman went into the bathroom. About 10 minutes after that, her boyfriend knocked on the bathroom door and asked what she was doing. In a really loud voice she responded:"I'M TAKING A SHIT, OKAY??" Classy. So very.

15 minutes later she's still not coming out of the bathroom and suddenly there's two cops banging on the door demanding she come out. I ask you: I bet this shit doesn't happen at your local Starbucks, does it?

Now the two cops are questioning both the girl and her boyfriend outside the store. Apparently, there may be some drug usage involved (ya think?).

Open Letter to My Fellow Group Presenters (Part I)

[This photo sorta represents what our group looked like on Tuesday during our group presentation. Except we weren't as organized as these folks were. Nor did we look as excited. Or Asian. I'd like to think of myself as the fat one, third from left, in this scenario.]

Hello Group:

I realize this letter is a little late in coming, since our Group Presentation was on Tuesday and all. But who at that time would have thought it would have turned into such a disaster? - certainly not me.

Considering we've had about 3 weeks to prepare and that we've met a few times to go over our roles, responsibilities and what we would say, I guess I was a little taken aback by how, well, ill-equipped and unprepared we seemed to be. I imagine that the audience may have seen us as "nervous" or "disjointed" or maybe even "a bunch of douche nuggets."

And note that I say we here -- after all, there's no "I" in "team" and all that bullshit, and we're in this together. When one of us does good, we all do good. When one of us can't pronounce certain simple anti-TB drug mediations, because, well, Monday was a particularly good episode of "CSI: Miami" then, well, I guess we all can't pronounce certain anti-TB drug medications, right?

And I know we're all a little busy, particularly now that we have to study especially hard for next week's final (where before Tuesday I was hoping I merely just had to study "all regular-like" - so thanks for that, btw), so I'll make this rather quick. Here's a partial list (I'll send the other one next week) of some things that maybe you could keep in mind next time you are in a position to be a successful, contributing member of a group presentation:

• If you volunteer in advance to be the person responsible for printing 30 copies of the slide deck to use as class handouts, then please God by all-that-is-holy DO IT. Don't show up to class empty-handed saying that you “got too busy at work to print them out" and that "it won't be a big deal anyway." Couple things: Yes, it actually IS A BIG DEAL that we don't have handouts. It makes us look UNPREPARED and gives us a big fat zero on the teacher’s evaluation sheet under the section called – oddly enough - “Handouts.” Secondly, don’t give us that whole “I’m really busy with work” bullshit excuse. What the hell do you think the rest of us do all day? So help me, I’ll shove my weekly “MBD SaaS and Business Intelligence Report” draft right up your ass if you tell me again how busy you are at work.

PS – I actually did spend some time and thought in making the presentation and handouts look pretty. I probably wouldn’t have spent so much time on it had I known that you weren’t going to bother printing them off. Even though we agreed you would. But that’s water under the bridge. Let’s move on.

• Related to point #1, if you are assigned a specific task and find that for whatever reason you cannot do it, it is acceptable and even welcome to PICK UP THE PHONE AND TELL SOMEONE. We know you have a cell phone; we've seen you use it to talk to your friends during lecture (since we're on it: there's something called "indoor voice" btw). I passed about 3 Kinko’s on the way into class Tuesday. I could’ve made some handouts. Not a big deal.
• As you know, we had 12 minutes to give our entire presentation. We discussed this, right? Several times? We also discussed structuring the presentation so that each of us was to speak for about 3 minutes. 3 minutes x 4 people = 12 minutes. So I’m still scratching my head to figure out why some of us spoke for seven minutes. Seven minutes! – that would be more than double the allotted time per person. The only thing I can think of as to why this would have happened would be perhaps you – I mean we - didn’t rehearse ahead of time. So here’s a tip: REHEARSE IN ADVANCE. We might be surprised at what we learn. Like, maybe, “Gee my section of the presentation is waaaaay too long.” Considering we also get points taken off our grade if our presentation goes over the allotted time, this is something we all may want to keep in mind next time.

I’d say that should about cover it for the moment. I've got a few more pearls of wisdom to share, but I'll wait until next week for those, since it might take you a little while to just digest these. Thanks for listening, y’all.

PS - Good luck on the final. And I mean that.

PPS - And No. Sorry, I will not help you study - you bitches are on your own on that one.

Why I Like Chicago in Winter *

So last night leaving class I planned to write about how much my just-completed group presentation sucked (very much so) or some of the things that really bug my about the Christmas season (Zales commercials, people who forgo their Thanksgiving evenings to camp all night in the parking lot of a shopping mall just so they can be first in line for the 4am opening, etc.), when - bam - the city was hit with a beautiful, magnificent snow storm.

Once or twice a year (tops), Chicago gets a snowstorm that isn't nasty or a major inconvenience; it is just pretty and kinda peaceful. Last night was one of those times. I even took the long way home from the train to marvel in it - the big, whispy flakes, the way it drapes every surface in a calming white blanket. I also shoveled the front walk of my apartment building when I got home just so I could spend more time in it (no, I wasn't drunk). It was the kind of snow that reminds you how cool it can be to live in Chicago during the winter.

* Ed. note: This is a companion to the upcoming "Why I Hate Chicago in Winter" posts that are surely on their way over the next few months.

The Window Seat (Or: Why Old People Should Not Be Allowed to Fly)

[This is a visual approximation of the old couple in question. Except mine weren't as attractive or pleasant looking.]

I’m a big fan of the window seat. When travelling alone, I pretty much require it. Everyone knows the middle seat sucks and I don’t like the aisle. I usually book my tickets online and aside from the convenience, online booking is great because you can pick your seats. I always choose the window because I like to sleep on planes, and it is easiest to do in the window seat, and also because when I’m not sleeping, I like to look out the window at the pretty clouds and shit.

Yesterday I board the plane from Portland towards Chicago and I see that there is an old couple sitting in my aisle, and the old lady is sitting in the windows seat. My seat. At this point I could choose one of three options: 1) say nothing and just sit in the available seat, which is the aisle; 2) inform the Biddy that she’s in my seat and demand that she sit in her assigned seat; or 3) point out to the couple that one of them is sitting in the wrong seat, but offer to take the aisle anyway.

In the spirit of educating the couple of their faux-pas so they don’t get into other potentially uncomfortable situations later (people aren’t generally as nice as I am* and next time they may get some belligerent jerk yelling at them), I choose option #3, even though I am tired and want to sleep and everyone knows that trying to sleep in the aisle seat is a losing proposition since you always get clipped by people walking by, and you always have to get out of the seat when the person at the window or middle seat has to use the washroom. Plus, we’ve all seen these situations before where someone is sitting in the wrong seat and the person that calls them on it ends up looking like a big jerk and I didn’t want to be that guy.

What I want to say is, “Excuse me, but this ain’t Southwest Airlines and you can’t just sit anywhere you want – I don’t care how old you are – but all is cool and I’ll take the aisle.” But instead the conversation goes like this:

Me: “Excuse me, I believe you may be sitting in my seat, but I’ll just take the aisle.”
The two of them just look at me and then Biddy says to her husband: “What?”
Me: “I think you are in my seat. But that’s OK – I will just take the aisle.”
One again the two of them look at each other (not me) and she once again asks her husband (again, not me as if I’m not really there): “What?”
Me (directly to the grandma, who has that deer-in-the-headlights look, disturbingly similar to the look the woman who practically ran me over in her car**): “Is that your seat?”
Grandma: “B’idunno.”

In case you weren't aware, “B’idunno” is a substitute for the phrase “I don’t know” and is commonly used by indifferent teenagers. It is rarely spoken by anyone over the age of 22, let alone an old lady. When it became clear that I wasn’t going to get any other answers or response out of the old bird (frankly, I was expecting a “My goodness! I am sorry for sitting in your seat!”), I just settled into the aisle seat and no further words were exchanged.

And of course I tried to sleep during the flight but was continually woken by the banging of the snack cart, fat people walking down the aisle, and the icing on the cake - the old couple next to me having to evacuate their bowels not just once but TWICE during the 4 hour flight. Moving forward, I do believe that I will no longer be nice to old people (that I'm not related to) - they try to kill me or deprive me of much-needed sleep.

* I suppose this point is debatable.
** Just be warned that as time goes on that whole biking incident story is going to get more dramatic – by next month I will be referring to this story as “the time I was almost killed.”

Thanksgiving

The last two years I've used dedicated a Thanksgiving post to all the things that I'm thankful for that year. Which, besides eating my body weight in a variety of carbohydrates is the point of Thanksgiving, right?

This year I am getting out of town early (tomorrow) to Portland to visit friends, hike Forest Park, snowshoe, eat deep-fried turkey and quite possibly hit Mary's Club. Most of my local friends are getting out of town this year, which is cool- the weather here is shitty. Not that Portland will be much better, but I'd rather be in shitty weather near the mountains and ocean than in Chicago.

It has been a tough year for me and some of the people I'm close to, and it's hard to look back and feel good about a lot of it. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty that I'm thankful for (Always Sunny in Philadelphia; Capes, and the people who wear them; Crowded House reunion; The fact that I got off my ass and went back to school) but mostly I'm just going to focus on the fact that all the people in my life are healthy and strong, and that we're alive to experience another Holiday season. I also want to thank all the people I've met- and become friends with- through this blog.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! PROPER.

Poon-Tastic

I get a(nother) hangover just looking at these pictures.

There was good food. And lots of drinks. A panda. And cape wearing.

I forget - is it a true sign of a successful evening if you end up passed out hugging the toliet bowl? Or is that an unsuccessful evening?

If nothing else, the Twinkie Cake turned out really well.

Twinkie Cake

The Second Coming of Loaf is happening this weekend. On the agenda:

1. Twinkie Cake
2. Tiki Bowl Drinks
3. Interpretive Dance
4. Lots of Drinking

Has anyone made a Twinkie Cake? I'm a little scared.

Mine will look less like this:

And more like this:













Anyone made tiki bowl drinks? I'm less scared of that one, since as long as it has lots of different alcohols and pretty blue, green, pink or orange colors it is bound to be good. Plus, my last foray into mixology was a success. Sort of.

Brain Dead

For the past three months I've been juggling, rather successfully I think, the management between working full-time and going to school. At times it has been a struggle being able to do both but so far it has been OK. Sometimes I've had to run (literally) from my office to class in order to turn in an assignment on time. There was this one instance where I had to miss class due to a big announcement at work (and because of that almost missed out on some needed extra credit), but that was only one time. Also, switching the gears in your brain from work topics like: ERP, SaaS, unified communications and VoIP to school topics like: phagocytes, telophase, osteoclasts and red bone marrow can be a challenge, but still manageable.

That's all changed today. Today I am rather screwed. I have just finished a huge work report (the biggest one of my entire contract) that took many many hours to complete. I tried to finish it this weekend but of course some situations I could control and some that I couldn't kept me from it. I spent much of last week on it. I spent most all of yesterday on it. My alarm went off at 5:05 this morning so I could get up and finish it.

The Good news is that I just turned in my draft and for the most part is that I'm done. The Bad news is that I'm brain dead and useless for the rest of the day.

The Worst news is that now I have to cram 7 hours of studying into the next 5 hours because I have a Bio Exam at 5:30. An exam that I pretty much have not had time to study for since I've been focused on this work report. Fuck.

Yeah, so I guess I should be studying instead of blogging.

Yer Momma: [Cherry]-1 Recken-0

One of the reasons I love Recken is our shared belief that Yer Momma jokes are not only ripe for a comeback, but also appropriate for any occasion. When she and Kate came for a visit a few weeks ago, pretty much every conversation ended with Recken saying, "Yer Momma."

For example, I might share a deep personal revelation like the fact that I'm deeply concerned about the strange mole that's formed on my shoulder, and she'd reply with "Yer Momma."

It was very endearing.

The problem is that when the going gets tough, I'm not sure she's capable of bringing her A Game. Case in point, the following is a text message interaction we had this weekend:

Recken: "These are the best pants you've ever seen." (Ed. note: inside joke)
Me: "Yer momma."
Recken: "Yer momma's so fat she needs her own zip code."
Me: "Yer momma's so fat she heard it was chilly outside she ran and got herself a bowl."
Recken:

As of this writing (a good 24 hours later), still no response from Recken.

I'm Not Going to Make Too Much of a Big Deal About This, But ...

... My prayers have been answered. (Thanks, Classy, for the tip.)

In other news: On my bike ride into the Loop today, I was actually hit/sideswiped by a car. As in, my body actually came into contact with the car. I was riding in the bike lane, and the driver came up next to me and tried to make a right-hand turn, pushing me to the curb.

Luckily she was going slow, but I wasn't. She didn't hear the initial "thud" sound of me coming into contact with her rightside back door, but she did hear the "thud" created as I kicked - hard - at her back bumper.

She stopped the car and I swung around to the drivers side window and the hilarious* conversation that ensued went like this:

Me: "You hit me!"
Her: "...."
Me: "You HIT me. With YOUR CAR!"
Her: "Sorry?"
Me: (Sensing that she did not speak English, I made hand gestures showing her car [left hand] running into me [right hand]): YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR CAR. YOUR CAR HIT ME. ON MY BIKE."
Her: "Oh... Sorry. I sorry."
(At this point a few people on the sidewalk had stopped, but I didn't care if I was making a spectacle - I was fucking pissed.)
Me: "You need to pay attention to where you're going! This here is a bike lane. For bikers!"
Her: "I sorry."

I'm reasonably confident, based on my interaction with her and the general condition of her vehicle, that she didn't have insurance and had something happened, my own insurance would have been picking up the whole fucking tab. This woman made no attempt to ask if I was OK; she was more concerend about trying to get away. Fucking people.

* And by "hilarious" I of course mean "so help me, if I had a knife I'd gut you like a grouper."

Armageddon Day Is Approaching

No sooner have I posted about a return to happier days, then the arrival of news from Google confirming the long-brewing rumors that it is developing the Google Phone.

People are creaming like this is the best news ever. [Well, at least since the Ace of Base reunion news.] This is not good news, people.

Remember in the movie Terminator when they talk about "Judgement Day" and the guy who designs a learning computer that goes online on August 4, 1997, and how this computer begins learning at a geometric rate, and becomes self-aware at 2:14 am on August 29, 1997 and launches nuclear missiles that destroy most of humanity?

Yeah, well take the above paragraph and substitute the word "computer" with Google, and substitute the "August 29, 1997" day with "whatever day the Google phone debuts" and well, there you have it. You may be laughing now, but nobody believes me when I say Google is the Devil and in a decade we'll all have little Google bar codes in our scull so they can (even better than they do already today) keep track of us all.

Better get your Scandanavian pop singer fix in now boys and girls while you still can.

Happy Days Ahead

Remember a time in the not-so-distant past when life was simpler, and pop music offered a cure to all of society's ills?

Me neither. But two recent reunion announcements have me thinking I'm in for some juicy sweet, aurally satisfying and blissful musical moments over the next several months.

Spice Girls Reunion

They've teased us before, but this time it is really happening. New single, new greatest hits album and a reunion tour.

Despite the full page ad in the Chicago Reader (huh?!?) a few weeks ago for it, they will not be coming to the Windy City. I suspect this is largely due to the fact the Girls couldn't locate Chicago on a map (except maybe Mel C, who everyone knows is, like, the best Spice Girl).

Ace of Base Reunion

Apparently, things are so bad for Ace of Base that they've agreed to reunite, tour Russia (is that really such a sound business decision?) and possibly perform Eurovision 2008.

But their bad luck can be my gain - I'm hoping they book some studio time to churn out some more quality songs on par with "Beautiful Life" and "The Sign." PS - this is their official website. Have you ever seen anything so lame?

I guess Aqua is also reuniting, but who gives a shit. Now, if the stars would align to get Hanson and Roxette back together, I'd be set.*

* Wait, you say that neither Hanson nor Roxette have never really broken up? Oh.

Things That Scare Me Today

Happy Halloween, y'all.

Unlike last year's big to-do, this year I'm maintaining a low profile (see above illustration). But I would be remiss if I didn't do something to celebrate one of my favorite holidays, so I bring you the 6 Things That Scare Me:

1. People I don’t even know trying to become my friend on Facebook.
2. People still wearing those “Live Strong” bracelets.
3. Killers who lure victims to their home via fake Craigslist ads. Guess I’ll be buying a TV via the old fashioned way, then.
4. Celine Dion appearing on my Pandora Radio. (If you’re not familiar with Pandora, it is an online radio station where you tell it what bands and songs you like, and it populates your playlist with songs based on your recommendations and a complex algorithm.)
5. Senator Larry Craig, specifically that he is still a Senator.
6. Backfat (specifically mine).

[Cherry] Ride Just Isn't That Into You

I took a few days off, but I'm back. (Thanks for noticing, jerks.)
My reasons for the break quite possibly may include one or more of the below factors:

1. Forgot my log-in password
2. Jesus told me to
3. Sharting emergency
4. Put in a corner (like Baby)
5. Thrilling and electrifying collar poppin'
6. Prolonged and exhilerating trannie vacation
7. Still recovering from tragic and embarrassing (yet completely unsurprising) Cubs loss during playoffs
8. Paul Poon
9. Debilitating shame over my love for Martina McBride
10. Dick Cheney
11. Protesting Oracle’s bid for BEA Systems – take that Larry Ellison!
12. Grueling Harpsichord lesson and competition schedule
13. Arrest and subsequent incarceration for something my lawyer has advised me not to speak of until the lawsuit is settled
14. Nightly, athletic and exhausting visits from a Succubus
15. Hellen Mirren's boobs
16. Extreme headband wearing
17. Gender re-assignment surgery
18. Gender re-assignment surgery gone awry
19. Incapacitating hangovers
20. Just couldn’t be bothered
    

The Underrated List

Last week I edumicated you on all things Overrated, and now it is time to share my list of people, places and things in 2007 that deserve a shout-out/what-what/say heeeeey!

The [Cherry] Ride Underrated List (in alphabetical order):

1. Arnold Palmers (with or without alcohol)
2. Bicycles
3. Capes
4. Cate Blanchett
5. Cellular respiration (close second: Synaptic transmission)
6. Chicago (close second: Boston)
7. Geico commercials (but not so much the Caveman ones)
8. Interpretive dance
9. John Adams
10. Lazy rivers
11. Long Island iced teas (close second: Gin rickeys)
12. Monday nights (close second: Friday mornings)
13. New Zealand
14. Newsweek
15. Skype
16. Sport coats
17. Sunrise
18. Squirrels
19. Trannies
20. VH-1 reality shows