Thursday, July 05, 2007

I Have A New Master

As I mentioned Tuesday, I have started the "Master Cleanser" (referred to only as the "Master" moving forward) fast. Richard too. I promise not to write about it too often (mostly because I don't want the [C]R to be - in the concerned comment from Recken Roll* - all about "boobs and poop." Whatever.).

I was originally planning to start it on the Greatest Country on the Planet's Liberation Day (yesterday), but Richard talked me out of it with a little common sense, stating that a national holiday is essentially an excuse to eat or drink anything you want, so why waste it? He made a strong argument, but I know it was mostly for selfish reasons -- he had a bunch of Stellas in the fridge and he needed an excuse to drink as many of them as possible.

The Master officially started last night, with a laxative tea nightcap (niiice). Followed this morning by 20 ounces of the cleaning lemonade - a little lemon juice, a little maple syrup, a tiny little bit of cayenne pepper and lots of water. This will be my breakfast, lunch and dinner for at least the next 10 days. (Please try to contain your jealousy.) There will also be herbal laxative tea and non-iodized salt elixirs thrown in periodically just to "mix things up." 'Cuz I roll like dat.

I also went threw the cupboards and fridge and threw out a bunch of food items that would only cause temptation over the next several days. That hurt a little bit.

I've also mapped out all the toilets along my 25-minute bike ride to/from work each day, in case, you know, nature calls. Thank god there's that Starbucks and North & Wells about halfway through my route. And again at Franklin & Chicago Aves.

This is probably going to get really ugly before it gets pretty, folks.

* Recken Roll is apparently going to Live Earth too. Bitch.

26 comments:

One Lil Aussie said...

Its time to let the colon flow!!!! BRING IT ON...ooops...literally here I go again...
On a side note, I hope those huge FUCKING DELICIOUS white choc chunk cookies are safely out of sight by the time I get home. And I hope the garbage bag that they are in is safely locked away in a dumpster, eight blocks away from our home...

NamesAreHardToPick said...

And people crack on what I eat. Well, goodluck to you!

ReckenRoll said...

Dude, if you want to write about boobs and poop who am I to stop you? Your comment numbers speak for themselves. Apparently there is a strong audience for boobs and poop discussion out there! Maybe I should incorporate more boobs and poop into my blog to drive up numbers!

Maybe not.

Anyway, I'll call you from Live Earth for the Madonna bits. She's at the end so it won't be too early. Does that help?


Kisses.

Mr. Shain said...

i had no idea you biked to work. hilarity will definitely ensue. and i'm serious about the photo documentation bit. like pictures of the thrown out cupcakes in the rubish bin would have been great. if you have questions you can call to discuss.

Airam said...

I love how you mapped out all the toilets!! Thinking ahead!!!

You rock!

chuckdaddy2000 said...

Although I'm always greatly impressed by anyone who can pull this stuff off, I always wonder- how is it healthy to starve your body of nutrients?

But I should shut up, all you need is a naysayer. So... Have fun! You tha man!!!

Jenny! said...

Good luck! Riding a bike and drinking shit loads of that concoction sounds like a disaster waiting ot happen!

blythe said...

like i said, i think we should do this together (it will drive mr. shain insane - more insane, i guess, to be accurate). except i'll drink beer for breakfast, lunch and dinner (along with meals). and, nice try mapping out the toilets, but with that amount of colon blow happening, you need to map out convenient shrubbery as well.

captain corky said...

Make sure to wear a diper for the first couple of days. I think you'll need it. Good luck. The diet worked wonders for my friend's brother.

minijonb said...

this adventure is craptastic!

kutgw!!!

Mr. Shain said...

blythe, the point of the Master C is to change your dietary routine. your beer version is more or less what you're doing now. also, thanks for commenting on my blog; makes me feel loved.

JUSTIN said...

A good friend of mine did this same exact program (even down to the cayenne pepper). If your experience is anything like his, you're in for an interesting ride. Good luck.

Loaf said...

I don't event want to imagine the state of what's going to be coming out of you two over the next few weeks, but good lucky anyhow, it's certainly a more drastic step than I'd ever consider!

Prashant Sridharan said...

This seems like all the rage these days. I can't figure out if it's because I'm getting older and all my friends are getting older and this is just something that old people do. Or if it's, like, a trend that I should get on straight away.

Jury's out.

Mr. Shain said...

you've already eaten a cookie haven't you?

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Lil Aussie:: Yes, the delicious chocolate chunk cookies are now officially garbage. Damn, it hurts to type those words.

Names:: Thanks, we'll see how it goes.

Recken:: You can keep your Live Earth Concert to yourself. Unless you somehow manage to meet Madge and then I do want you to call me and put her on the phone.

Mr. Shain::Too late for this morning's trash bin. The garbage is already out in the dumpster (we have a very efficient landlord).

Airam:: Thanks. Keep your fingers crossed...

CD2K:: Yeah, I'm a little weirded out by the whole lack of nutrients too. But I'm sure all will be great! (Fake smile as I type these words.)

Jenny:: I promise that if I shit my pants while riding the bike, I will blog it to the world.

Blythe:: I ride parallel to Lincoln Park for a good 10 minutes of my ride, so that's a HUGE toilet for me. And you are correct, Mr. Shain is insane. And jealous. And a Meth addict.

CC: Thanks. I'm hoping the adult undergarments will not be necessary.

MiniJB: You hit the nail on the head.

Justin:: Thanks

Loaf:: Believe me, if it is at all interesting, you will know.

Prashant:: All the cool mid-30 year old kids are doing it.

Mr. Shain:: No, not yet. But if I had some handy it would be a different story.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Shall I send you a colostomy bag?

K.I.D. said...

You two are effing nuts...but I look forward to seeing your svelte new figures!

Laaw-yuhr said...

Forget the toilet route and go straight for the NASA diaper. Endorsed by crazy stalking astronaut ladies evereywhere!

Diana said...

The "Master" doesn't sound like a diet to me -- just torture! Whew! Good luck!

mysterygirl! said...

How much of that stuff do you get to drink? Because I first thought that the willpower not to eat tasty things would be the biggest problem, but the feelings of starvation might rival that. Be careful-- don't want the sharting (not-so-)secret society to be a reality.

I need more information about this cleansing. Perhaps I should look for the website.

Junk Thief said...

Hasn't scratched yet.

Chris said...

I've wanted to try this for some time, partly because I hear there's a chance things can get a little trippy during the process. Keep us posted.

5 of 9er said...

Two things:

1. Your body has been built to take care of its self. A couple days of water and less crap food and your body is back to normal. These fad clensing things are not healthy and actually very hard on the body.

2. Recken does everything and goes everyhere. I am trying to cope with this as well. :)

Dop said...

My office is at Huron and LaSalle if you need a pit stop.

crys said...

i did the master cleanse. it is not a joke. i fell in love with what i now call The Peppernade, however. incorporated it into my daily diet---it cuts appetite and if you add maple syrup to taste, it really is quite delicious. but yeah, i cut out that salt shite, cuz homey don't play that.

but it WORKS. it does clean you out, you gain energy and you get a spring in your step.

but nothing worth having is you know...easy.

peace!