This Is a Post About Sharting

(Note: If you don’t want to read about gross stuff like bodily functions – particularly involuntary ones – than read no further. Come back another day when things go back to normal.)

(Note #2: The following might be considered an "over-share" by some - OK all -- of you, but what the hell, we're friends, right? DON'T JUDGE ME, bitches.)

Saturday afternoon I was in a bookstore and I sharted. Yes, it’s true. Like anyone else who’s been in this situation (and please – we all have. I don’t care what you say - we’ve all done it.) I thought I was discretely letting just a little gas pass, when suddenly I realized it wasn’t just a little air down there.

Unluckily for me, just a few hours earlier I’d had a few bites of a delicious La Pasadita burrito with some extra hot sauce (I know, I know), and let’s just say that the act of squeezing out a little gas had, umm, “opened the floodgates” a bit.

At least the bookstore was around the corner from my apartment, so I was able to get home in good time before suffering any additional damage (no, it was a small bookstore with no public restroom). But the 10 minutes it took for me to walk home - in a desperate attempt to keep leakage to a minimum – was definitely loooong.

What’s worse than the actual act of sharting is the walk. That is the absolute worst. Two things are happening with the Shart Walk: 1) You’re walking down the street like a retard with your ass cheeks clenched, trying to play it cool wondering if everyone can tell that you just shit your pants, and; 2) Since you can’t see your backside, you’re wondering if you’re beginning to leave a stain on the seat of your pants. Are people behind me looking at my ass because there’s now a stain there?? Damn.

I realized that there’s actually some good that can come from the Shart. Sharting can be the great human equalizer - it reminds you that no matter how cool or evolved you think you might be, once you have an involuntary bowel movement, you’re just as much of a dork as everyone else. Think about it. Even the coolest people in the world (think Barack Obama, Helen Mirren, David Beckham, Jessica Alba, etc.) – they’ve all sharted. Think about that. The shart is God’s way of saying: “Hey, we’re all the same. And we're all idiots.”

[I found this on Google. My shart experience was nothing like what is depicted on this movie poster, btw.]