Thursday, June 28, 2007

This Is a Post About Sharting

(Note: If you don’t want to read about gross stuff like bodily functions – particularly involuntary ones – than read no further. Come back another day when things go back to normal.)

(Note #2: The following might be considered an "over-share" by some - OK all -- of you, but what the hell, we're friends, right? DON'T JUDGE ME, bitches.)


Saturday afternoon I was in a bookstore and I sharted. Yes, it’s true. Like anyone else who’s been in this situation (and please – we all have. I don’t care what you say - we’ve all done it.) I thought I was discretely letting just a little gas pass, when suddenly I realized it wasn’t just a little air down there.

Unluckily for me, just a few hours earlier I’d had a few bites of a delicious La Pasadita burrito with some extra hot sauce (I know, I know), and let’s just say that the act of squeezing out a little gas had, umm, “opened the floodgates” a bit.

At least the bookstore was around the corner from my apartment, so I was able to get home in good time before suffering any additional damage (no, it was a small bookstore with no public restroom). But the 10 minutes it took for me to walk home - in a desperate attempt to keep leakage to a minimum – was definitely loooong.

What’s worse than the actual act of sharting is the walk. That is the absolute worst. Two things are happening with the Shart Walk: 1) You’re walking down the street like a retard with your ass cheeks clenched, trying to play it cool wondering if everyone can tell that you just shit your pants, and; 2) Since you can’t see your backside, you’re wondering if you’re beginning to leave a stain on the seat of your pants. Are people behind me looking at my ass because there’s now a stain there?? Damn.

I realized that there’s actually some good that can come from the Shart. Sharting can be the great human equalizer - it reminds you that no matter how cool or evolved you think you might be, once you have an involuntary bowel movement, you’re just as much of a dork as everyone else. Think about it. Even the coolest people in the world (think Barack Obama, Helen Mirren, David Beckham, Jessica Alba, etc.) – they’ve all sharted. Think about that. The shart is God’s way of saying: “Hey, we’re all the same. And we're all idiots.

[I found this on Google. My shart experience was nothing like what is depicted on this movie poster, btw.]

25 comments:

Betty Boob Hug said...

OH my GOD that is a funny story! I would love to tell you that I have experienced it as well, but I really haven't. Truly. But I am in NO WAY JUDGING YOU FOR POOING IN YOUR PANTS.

Have you seen the movie with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Ben Stiller, with Jennifer Aninston? Something 'Polly'......anyway - he sharts at an art gallery and it's one of the best scenes.

So add an Oscar winner to your list of people who have sharted, Ok? And never feel bad.
GOd bless your honesty. And NO more burritos for you big boy.

carolyn says said...

At least you were close to home and not like on the ferris wheel on Navy Pier or anything. That would have been worse

Chris said...

One of your best!

By the way, I used to get La Pasadita burritos all the time when I was in Chicago. In fact, I got a burrito place up here to make me a special one just the way they did.

blythe said...

i'm pretty sure i'm going to start another blog called the shart walk home. so good.

KAZ said...

Two things:
1: In spite of the gross content of this post - you still have that American way of using euphemisms like 'restroom' ...precious.

2: I'm wondering what colour your trousers were.

captain corky said...

I learned so much from this post today! Do you think I should use sharting as an excuse to get out of work early tomorrow night?

5 of 9er said...

I need to see the Shart movie... looks hot!

One Lil Aussie said...

In your case, Cherry, 'a shart a day keeps keeps your bowls in play!' Good job they were poo- stained-brown shorts you were wearing then, wasn't it!

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

OMG! This made me laugh so hard I nearly shart my pants. Seriously. Also, please tell me this didn't happen in the awesome crow shorts!?!

blythe said...

oh yes. i think mr. shain might die if this happened to the crow short pants. and we wouldn't want that, would we?

ADW said...

I can't say that I have ever sharted myself, but now you know what it feels like for women every month with massive periods wondering if they have leaked..... Gross.

Kadonkadonk said...

Did you know that women also sometimes squeeze out a shart in labor? That one statistic right there is the biggest reason I decided to never have kids...

Jenny! said...

My fiance sharts more often then I would like to admit...fucking disgusting...I have never sharted...but I do piss myself on occasion! You should carry a butt plug with you for those accidental moments...I bet the walk would be a lot more comfortable with that shoved up your ass!

Mr. Shain said...

talk about NSFW...

Loaf said...

Perhaps it's just me, but as soon as I read your warning, I was compelled to read on!

It's only happened to me once I'm glad to say, and thankfully it was at home. It involved a bad stomach bug, along with a powerful sneeze resulting in a rather explosive effect.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

BBH - I never really considered it "pooping in my pants" but I guess it is.

Carolyn - I know! That would have been awful. But you sound like maybe you are speaking from experience?

Chris - good for you. Nothing beats La Pasadita!

Blythe - or a rock n roll band.

Kaz - my trousers that day were khaki, and luckily they remained so.

Corky - I guess it depends on if you want that promotion or not.

Niner - I can only imagine how awesome it might be.

My little Aussie - I think I was wearing tan shorts, not brown. But I did have to throw out the underwear, though.

Carrie B - NO! Thank God. I would have been devastated had it been my favorite shorts!!

Blythe - No, we would not want anything bad to happen to Mr. Shain. I think he would be more devastated than I had my awesome brown shorts been destroyed.

ADW - good point. but at least there is protection you can buy for that. I suppose Depend Undergarments could help, but I'm not (yet) at the point where I need them. At least on a regular basis.

Whinemonger - yes, I have heard that is true. That sucks.

Jenny - I don't need another reason to walk around with a butt plug, but thanks! ;-)

Mr. Shain - is that all you got? I was expecting worse from you.

Loaf - Wow. OK, that beats my story.

All of you who say you have not sharted - LIARS!!!

Jenny! said...

Totally not lying! Could it be that I have better control over my asshole!!! Why would I lie about that...I am an open book...what do you want to know?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Have you ever epissulated before? That's when you go to take a piss, but instead of piss, semen comes out.

blythe said...

soon you learn to expect nothing more than disappointment from mr. shain. just saying.

Dop said...

I sharted on the L about a year ago. And then had to ride another 11 stops, and walk 7 blocks to my house. I felt your pain - the entire way home.

Airam said...

This has to be the funniest post I've read EVER!!!!

I couldn't top laughing!!

carolyn says said...

no i have only ever sharted at home (touch wood)and i've neve even been on that ferris wheel (who knows what people do in those pods) but i have enough troubles with my stomach that i try to always be prepared!

MacGuffin said...

I've never heard of epiphanic shart before but it sounds like you had one.

michael5000 said...

What makes the shart such a poignant aspect of the human experience is its quality of reversal. From the moment of prideful triumph, in which one is master of the world, ready to let out a public stinker with impunity, to the moment of dispair, in which one has turd besmeared on his buttcheeks, lies only the sickening plummet of the very instant of the shart. It's like the punishment of hubris in a Greek tragedy, is the shart.

Ellen Aim said...

I wish I hadn't been sipping wine as I scrolled down to read "This is a Post About Sharting." There could have been no post and I still would have laughed.