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PEST FEST [b!]: The New Car
Cheerio.
I'm Edmund, and I'm [Cherry's] new car. The [Cherry] Ride's new cherry ride, if you will.
He's asked me to guest blog for him because the bloke's too busy to do it himself, apparently. What, with all the running around eating and drinking and socialising. He gets up in the a.m., comes round to pat my bonnet and wish me a Good Morning and then he's off on his bicycle (and what is the point of that, I ask you?) and then I don't see him until the evening -- and even then he's usually right pissed. I see more of his dishy mate Shauna than I do of him, actually. It's bollocks.
He finally got around to picking me up from the dealer this past Friday, after putting a down payment on me over three weeks ago. Thought the pisser had forgotten about me, but then here he was and boom! here I am.
We've had a few good times so far, but not sure this whole thing is going to work out so well. Sure, he treats me right, like a good owner does, but he's a bit of a pansy, methinks, with all this "I love you, Edmund" chatter. Off his trolley, that one is. I mean, shut up already and take me for a drive down the Coast if you truly love me.
He spends more time with the bike than me, and he's purchased some awful skateboard and is trying to get good enough with it to take that around as well. (But considering he can barely stand on it, I think it will be years before he'll be going anywhere. Besides, he was practising the other morning and went arse over elbows on it -- he'll be dead before too long!)
And to be honest his taste in music is shite. Absolute crap. He says it is because the stations in Portland are no good, but I've had to listen to him belt out some God-awful bloody Celine Dion or something (he asked that I not repeat that, actually). He's barmy!
He also goes on and on about his last car, called Simon, and how I have big shoes to fill and blah, blah, blah. Complete rubbish. I am my own car and won't be compared to anyone. Besides, I'm strong(er), fast(er) and quite rakish. Devilishly handsome. And I've got both a sun and a moon roof - I'm quite stylish.
Alrighty then, enough for now. Apparently in two weeks I'll be driving [Cherry] back to Chicago -- you know: stretching my legs, showing him what I'm made of and all that. Which will be just fine, unless his taste in music doesn't improve.
PS - for those of you tossers thinking that Edmund is the name for some fat kid who wears glasses and eats paste, Piss Off! I'm the dogs!
23 comments:
Edmund,
I already congratulated CR on the two of you finding each other, but after reading your post I have to say that I'm totally into you. The british thing does it for me every time. You're totally sexy and I can't wait to meet you.
Jules
House of Jules
Is it weird that I read that with a British accent?
What? I did not understand any of that except for "pie"...
The rules state that as soon as you buy one of those, you have to rob a bank with it.
Congrats! You must be proud.
And no, Edmund is not a fat kid who eats paste, he will always be the asshole brother in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. A little more interesting, at least.
I think [Cherry] better mind his p's & q's or suffer a major arse kicking via Edmund.
I can't believe I just read that with a British accent in my head! No, not my own messed up accent but Edmund's very own British accent, hovering somewhere between Michael Caine in the original (and best and only socially acceptable version of) The Italian Job and Grant from EastEnders. I did want to throw in a little Daniel Radcliffe in Equus (not so much the Harry Potter accent which was a little bit too Estuary English) but then things started getting a little too crowded.
Welcome Edmund - I can't wait to meet you! And will you tell your owner to hurry up and get his arse up here to Seattle???
I, too, read that with a British accent in my head (well, as close as an East Coaster can get). Unfortunately, I am one of those annoying people who cannot spend more than five minutes with someone with a different accent, without starting to sound like them.
This is probably why I spend a lot of time alone.
And yes, Edmund is one hot piece of arse - I'd chat him up any day!
Edmond, I take issue with you saying Cherry has no taste in music. After all, he's a huge fan of "the special joy" song by Jeffrey Osbourne, and we all know that's an f'n hit."
Even if he's "right pissed" in the evenings, just be lucky that he doesn't get drunk and throw up in your glove compartment (like I did with MY first car).
My lord, Cherry. Your car is even gayer than you are! I wonder if "Edmund" has ever been rear ended...
Did Dick van Dyke die and get reincarnated as a car?
Sorry to be Princess Smartypant, but we say Cheerio when we are about to leave.
Ha! It remembers that time when you were in London and you said "my friends took me *dogging* last night," when you actually meant to *the dogs*
What's wrong with eating paste and wearing glasses? Additionally, fat isn't a nice term, I like to think of it as carrying around a few extra friends.
Welcome to the family Edmund.
Ummm...Jerome (with a long e) is definitely not a fan of this nickname you have dropped on him. Return him to his French glory - he is regal, serene, and aloof. He enjoys long rides through winding roads, both bright sunshine and pouring rain at high speeds(for the challenge), and is widely recognized for his "jungle fever".
Sweet.
Edmund, I expect you'll be picking me up for a drive very soon. Can't wait to meet you.
I like that car.
Sorry for the generic comment.
I will try harder next time.
Maybe.
I don't know whether to laugh or send the sanitarium folks after my dear, Cherry.
That being said, my girl, Molly, would totally ask you out, Edmund. She's asian and has a lot of junk in her trunk (seriously...where did that traffic cone come from?).
Hi Edmund! Give CR a break. The trauma of loosing Simon was hard.
Cheers!
I am very angry at blogger right now. Of course, THIS flippin' comment will make it through, I am sure. But none of my witty banter will get processed, right? RIGHT, BLOGGER? Can't handle me, can ya?
Edmund,
Nice to meet you. Frankly you sound like a real wanker. What has Wendell G. ever done to you? I hope therapy helps you with the whole "Jealously" thing.
Jake
oh so pretty, oh so pretty
Sweet ride.
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