Tuesday, August 26, 2008

PEST FEST [b!]: The Ride Home (Part 1)

This is what a large part of Montana looks like. Thrilling, isn't it?

Ed. Note: As [Cherry] is still mentally on vacation, he'll be (once again) channeling Holden Caulfield to help write the next few posts. Enjoy.

So for some reason I thought it might be a fun bonding experience for me and Edmund to drive all the way from Portland to Chicago. What a load of crap that was. Swear to God, there are phonies and idiots everywhere in this country, not just in the major metropolitan areas.

Like on my first travel day Edmund and I decide to drive until we get tired. So around 1:30 in the morning I'm driving through some God-awful town in Montana called Rocker (just try to find it on a map) and the only place to stop is a
Flying J Truck Stop so I pull into the parking lot in the back where there are a bunch of other cars with people doing the same thing as me. So I pull up next to another car and the guy in the driver's seat is awake and looks at me and asks, "So you're sleeping here too, huh?" What a ridiculous question. What the hell else would I be doing here, you idiot? Swear to God, it was like the guy wanted to cuddle with me he wouldn't shut up and all.

And then the next day I'm stopped at another rest stop (still) in Montana to take a leak and this old guy comes up to me and asks me all about Edmund and gas mileage and blah blah blah. And the whole time he's talking to me he's gnawing away on this apple. Just
going to town on this thing. As if he didn't finish eating the goddamn apple that very minute he was going to die of starvation or something. God, I can't stand people like that. You can't put the apple down for a second when you're having a conversation?

And then he asks where I'm heading and I say Chicago and he says to me: "Oh, my wife and I just came from there and we had a
miserable experience."

Huh? A
miserable experience? I can think of lots of places that are miserable -- Port Arthur, Texas? - Miserable; Zacatecas, Mexico? - also Miserable. But Chicago? Gimme a break, asshole. I mean, why would you tell someone from Chicago that you had a miserable time there? What a douchenugget.

What I wanted to say back to him was, "Yeah, I can relate. I'm having a
miserable experience just standing here watching your ass-face power through that apple, you asshole!"

And you can tell the guy was just jonesing for me to ask him exactly why he and his wife had a miserable experience in Chicago but I was having none of it. At this point I wanted to just get the hell out of there and away from all those phonies.

And speaking of miserable experiences, come back later this week to hear about South Dakota and Mt. Rushmore. What a bunch of bullshit that was, I tell you.


House of Jules said...

"I'm having a miserable experience just standing here watching your ass face power through that apple, you asshole!" is my new favorite quote. I know this might not come out how I mean it to, but your rants make me exceedingly happy.
House of Jules

JUSTIN said...

It's too bad you didn't take I-70 so you could have enjoyed Ogallala, Nebraska. Dear Gawd that place sucks, although I must say that I think I saw Tom Welling, or a close approximation of him pumping gas.

classyandfancy said...

Umm . . . why didn't you cuddle with the fella?

Kadonkadonk said...

I am assuming this is witty kvetching and deep down you really did enjoy your road trip because having driven from Orlando to Alaska, and then from DC to Alaska in the last few years, I must say that honky tonk towns and crazy ass locals are the best part of road trips! What the hell were you expecting?

d said...

i'm glad to see that you're still the happy, positive cherry you were before you left on vacation.

p.s. did whatshername have the baby?!?

Essentially Me said...

Yay, you're back!

Astrogirl426 said...

Good god boy, exactly HOW drunk were you when you made the decision to drive through the asshole of our country? You know you owe Edmund a full-on detailing session for that automotive nightmare, right? And I ain't talkin' about you and a chamois - drop the bucks ad take him to some boys who can do him up right.

And I'm with Jules - that's my new favorite insult. Don't worry, I'll give you cred.

Ellen Aim said...

As someone who has driven from DALLAS to Chicago, let me just say: your trip was better.

Michael5000 said...

I'm almost sure that the word "douchenugget" isn't in the original Catcher in the Rye.

Which is why your version is better.

surviving myself said...

I could have told you South Dakota sucked. I mean, who doesn't know that?

I'll be your travel agent for the next trip.

Spammon said...

My parents used to fill up with gas at the local Flying J. They would get little stamps for each gallon of gas they bought which they would use to buy us dinner at the truck stop. Can you say 6 meals a week of 'Three Amigos'?

I'm Frank said...

How can you have a bad time in Chicago? I mean, yeah you could get mugged or raped or something, but just one look at that bean sculpture or the fountains with faces on them would easily offset that. Probably.

Julie_Gong said...

i really expected a "i just had a miserable experience reading this blog" comment from shain.

ReckenRoll said...

He was going to town on the apple while you took a leak?


Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

The only way to make Mt. Rushmore fun is to view it while having an apple eating contest against that guy.

Mr. Shain said...

just had a miserable experience reading this blog.

*thanks julie!*

Rob said...

Your cantankerous post was well worth the wait. Welcome back Will.