Sunday, April 06, 2008

Open Letters (Special "The Airline Industry Can Suck It" Edition)

[Remember this Twilight Zone episode with the monster on the airplane wing? This was about the only thing that didn't happen to me during my travel day yesterday.]

My Cancun trip was great but not without some issues, which will be chronicled in my next post. But in honor of the 17 hour ordeal it took for me to get home yesterday (sadly that is not an exaggeration), I present you with the next installment of Open Letters.


PS - To all you Haters who commented that I seem to take a lot of vacations, I have only this to say: It isn't easy being me (as illustrated below).


Dear Mexicana Air Passengers On The 1:20 Flight to Miami Who Showed Up An Hour Before Your Flight:
Thanks for teaching me a valuable lesson that it does indeed pay to sleep in and show up late for your flight. While the rest of us did the responsible thing and arrived to the airport at least 2 hours before our international flights, a whole busload of you fuckers got special treatment by skipping the long lines and heading straight to the front desk as to not miss your flight. While I then had to wait even longer because you got to go ahead of me. Bravo! Oh, and also: Fuck You.


Dear Incompetent Mexicana Air Ticket Agent:
While I appreciate your effort to multitask and check several people in at the same time, I’d like to thank you for mixing up my passport with someone else's and leaving me identity-free in a foreign country. And thank you for trying to make
me look like the idiot when I asked you for my passport back and you insisted - in your snotty fey way - that you already gave it back to me when in actuality you not only did not give it back to me, you put it into a stack of passports that were handed back to someone else (!). Given the fact that at this point I had already been waiting in line for 90 minutes (see above open letter), I appreciated those long 5 minutes of waiting and praying that the woman passenger who did actually have it would come back to the counter and return it so that I would be able to leave the country.

Dear Benito Juarez International Airport:
Thanks for not turning on the air conditioner Saturday. It made my two-hour layover that much more pleasant. Oh, and also: I'm reasonably sure they sell vacuum cleaners in Mexico City. There's a Wal-Mart there somewhere. Look into it.


Dear Customs Lady at Zacatecas International Airport:
After searching my carry-on bag, thanks for telling me that I had to throw out the $12 worth of bottled water, Gatorade and Coke Zero (I was thirsty and needed to get rid of some pesos) that I purchased during the layover in Mexico City before I re-boarded the plane.
Yeah, I’ll get right on that. I understand you do things differently in Mexico, but that just doesn't make any sense. Eat me.

Dear Incompetent Mexicana Air Flight Attendant:
Thanks for spilling that kettle of scalding-hot water on the poor woman in 6-A, causing us to make an unplanned emergency stop in Dallas so that she could be treated at the fucking hospital, and prolonging the already long trip for the rest of us by another hour. I hope you and the airline have a good lawyer.


Dear CTA Blue Line:
Thanks so much for NOT posting a sign at O’Hare letting us know you’re doing track work and that the line between Cumberland and Jefferson Park is fucking closed. Had I known, I would have taken a fucking cab and gotten home at 2:30 am instead of 3:30 am. Go fuck yourselves.


Dear Drunken Smelly Vagrant In My Train Car:
Normally the incredible odor radiating from your being and permeating the whole fucking car alone would be enough for a shout-out, but I’d really like to thank you for waiting until the train left the Jefferson Park station towards the city before you woke suddenly from your drunken stupor, stumbled over to my end of the car, and whipped it out to empty the entire contents of your bladder onto the floor directly opposite of where I was sitting. It was the icing on the cake of my shitty travel day, and just the kind of “Welcome Back to Chicago” message I was lacking. Hats off to you!

25 comments:

Jules said...

Noooooooooooo! This was horrifying letter after horrifying letter. I was not emotionally prepared for the awe-inspiringly distressing travel experience you just went through. What a terrible way to end a vacation.... and by that I mean having someone whip it out in front of you in a BAD way.
Jules
House of Jules

Essentially Me said...

Awww sweetie! I'm sorry that you dealt with some really shitty people.

And that monster picture really scares the fuck out of me.

d said...

dear lord. when is someone gonna fix fucking flying? it never fails to suck it.

I'm Frank said...

This is why I never leave my room.

Ben said...

That hurt my insides. I will gladly blog about terribly neighbours to make you feel better. I will even push them down a flight of stairs for your entertainment...and mine.

classyandfancy said...

Maybe you should stop wearing that urinal cake scented cologne. Just a suggestion . . .

Jake Titus said...

Welcome back Ride. Thank god you didn't have to write the "Thanks for going bankrupt in the middle of my vacation" letter to the airlines. Again, welcome back.

Mr. Shain said...

open letter to cherry:

you flew an airline named "mexicana air," what exactly did you expect? had you never been to mexico before? there's a reason we have mexican immigrants in the US, but no american immigrants in mexico.

also, no mention of the std you got from paco, the 16 year old cabana boy?

respectfully yours,
mr. shain

carolyn says said...

ahh the STA vagrants, always happy to welcome you back after a week away. Other people send flowers, they send pee!

carolyn says said...

cta not sta what the hell is wrong with my fingers?

Ben Dover & Phil McCavity of Singapore said...

I once travelled in coach. Interesting. Anyway, hurry up with holiday details. Any snogs?

surviving myself said...

I find it's always best to avoid people at all times.

Spammon said...

Ah, but how was the in-flight meal and movie?

Dop said...

Just more reasons why I hate everyone.

minijonb said...

if i were you, and i pretty sure that i'm not, i would already be in jail as i would have killed any and all of these people for their transgressions.

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

oh my. poor cherry. sounds like you need some CHANG TIME!

Kadonkadonk said...

Fuck. That doesn't even sound a little fun.

bloggingbarbie said...

that is awful. i'm so sorry.

Julie_Gong said...

Wowie. I can't even bring myself to make a jerk ass comment. You've been through enough...

ridiculous said...

not to be all miss mary sunshine about it, but...glad you're back.

JUSTIN said...

At least you're tan!

catherinette said...

Good lord! I am Mexican and even I don't fly Mexicana. Know why? Because the same freaking crap happens on every single flight.

Ellen Aim said...

Wow, a drunken vagrant pissing on the train floor across from you really is the magic cherry that just tops that enormous crapcake of a day.

But it makes for great blogging! Good times.

Big Daddy said...

That reminds me of the time a guy behind me had a heart-attack and we had to land in Reno, which we were then stuck there on the plane, not allowed to de-board, waiting for the tower to clear us to take off.

Total time stuck in a hot plane in Reno: five hours.

This was on top of the fact that I was hungover from the night before.

I hate flying.

Michael5000 said...

That was a highly blogworthy flight. Sucked to be you.