Tuesday, April 15, 2008

It's Hard Out Here for a Sunday Morning Alcoholic

For my Chicago readers: Did you know that you can't but alcohol before 11am on a Sunday?


Sunday I was heading to a Bloody Mary brunch and I volunteered to make and bring the Bloody Marys. It is a big responsibility but I felt that I was responsible enough to handle it, as did my hosts (mistake). I had ever intention of buying the materials in advance on Saturday afternoon/evening. But after a long day of
not studying and not catching up on some work projects, I decided to reward myself by putting on my pajamas (at 5:30!), eating Ranch flavored Wheat Thins and cheese spread, and watching "30 Rock" from Netflix on my computer and heading to bed around 10:30.* So needless to say, I never made it back out that night.**

Anyway, so Sunday morning I arrive at
Dominick's and head to the liquor section, and while there a voice comes over the PA system: "Attention customers, please be aware that no alcohol can be sold before 11am." What the hell?

Now, normally I would throw my arms in the air, curse audibly, and flick some innocent Dominick's employee the "V" sign (which has become my new favorite "fuck you" gesture -- see photo at left).*** But since there were people depending on me, I vowed not to give up and instead try another grocery store (in this case the ghetto Jewel in West Town), where maybe restrictions would be a bit more lax.

Turns out they weren't. There was an employee working the liquor section there watching the place like a hawk, not letting anyone step foot in her domain. She did however let me in to buy some non-alcoholic BM
**** mix.

Still not deterred, I came up with a plan: If I could sneak back in while she had her back
turned, I could grab a bottle of vodka and bring it to the checkout -- because I was convinced that the slacker 19-year old clerk working the register would not be aware of this ridiculous arcane law (after all, if I wasn't aware, he would not be either!) and I would get out of there with alcohol in hand.

So sure enough, I waited until the biddy stepped into the back room and -
bam!- like a puma I pounced on that vodka end cap and headed to the cashier. Unfortunately the cashier was on his game and I was deee-nied. To add insult to the injury, he also wouldn't sell me the non-alcoholic BM mix, because after a long discussion with both the cashier and the store manager (not kidding), I was informed that the computer has that item locked-out of the computer until 11am and there was no override. So naturally, I threw my arms in the air, cursed audibly (I actually said: "This is bullshit!"),and left, turning to flick them the "V" sign. as I walked out the door. (Yeah I totally showed them!)

it turned out, everything ended OK. Even though brunch started at 10, we were able to keep the thirsty guests at bay for an hour with a small bottle the hosts had. And at 11, I ran to Rothschild's Liquor store down the street to get the vodka. But let me tell you something: There's no experience quite like waiting outside Chicago's sketchiest liquor store on a Sunday morning with a half-dozen drunkards to buy alcohol. Where else can you see a woman yelling at her grandchild to quit her crying "for a minute so she can get her beer" while the guy behind you in line gets all up in your grill so he can set down his two fortys because his arms are shaking too much to hold them any longer. It is a soul-crushing experience. And naturally, I recommend it to all of you.

So to summarize:
  1. Don't even think about buying liquor before 11am in Chicago on Sunday.
  2. I'm calling the ACLU about this law, because it is total bullshit.
  3. I'm bringing the "V" symbol to America. Big Time. Because it is totally effective.
  4. Ranch flavored Wheat Thins and cheese spread is the bomb.
  5. Swear to God, I'm not really a loser. Seriously, I'm not. *****
* I'm no shrink, but I might be depressed.
Try not to be jealous.
Who am I kidding? I did it anyway.
Any excuse to write "BM" is funny.
***** I'm not, right?


Girl Friday said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Girl Friday said...

I don't think you're a loser Cherry. I never got out of my pajamas on Sunday (and there was no alcohol happening on Sat night). I say bring on the spring sunshine!
Also, just saw the McCain Video from last week. At this point in history there are so many reasons I am glad I live abroad and this is just another proof point. Sad, Sorry, SOBs as my gram would say.
Love the new blog look.

Alannah said...

Your blog looks great! (another thing I never would have imagined myself ever saying ten years ago)

You can't buy alcohol period on Sundays in nearly every town in Arkansas. You can go to a bar, just not to a store. Good ol' bible belt.

House of Jules said...

Anyone who has their own gang sign, refers to themselves as a puma and who uses the phrase, "This is bullshit!" (not as comical as "This is horseshit!", but an underused classic nonetheless) in a grocery store line is definitely a winner in my book. I'm definitely going to start doing all 3 of those things (more).

Additionally, this entire post applies more to my life and is infinitely more helpful to me than any of those The More You Know public service announcements.
House of Jules

Prashant Sridharan said...

Yes, but what did you think of "30 Rock"???

Are you living every week like it's Shark Week?

Julie_Gong said...

I used to work at a liquor store (We are f-ed harder than you in PA. Liquor and beer are in two separate stores neither of which are supermarkets or convenience stores.) and I used to love watching the alcoholics buy their handles of booze with exact change.

Kadonkadonk said...

I was going to comment on your post, but I could finish it because I was too busy looking at the new layout. Maybe next time.

JUSTIN said...

You're just finding out about this now?

The [Cherry] Ride said...

GF:: Thanks for the vote of confidence! And yeah, that McCain video is toots pathetic.

Alannah:: Oregon (where I lived for 10 years) is the same way. I guess I'm just surprised that laws like this still exist. So arcane.

Jules:: Damn, I wish I could have remembered horseshit. That would have been more funny.

Prashant:: Hello! And yes, 30 Rock was aweseome. Still trying to get through Season 1 though.

Julie Gong:: Where are the funny liquor store stories on your blog?? That's gotta be comic gold right there.

Kadonkadonk:: So, what do you think? I'll likely change it around some more.

Justin:: Yes. But this is a good thing, yes? It shows that I'm really not an alcoholic (right)?

Anonymous said...

liquor stores are not open on sundays in pa. true story. i know because every time i go home to visit my fam and friend' i'm reminded of this.

damn quakers.

Mr. Shain said...

*****define loser...

as already pointed out as non-unique, you can't be alcohol ANY TIME on sundays. none. (i know, it's must be hard for me right?) also you can't buy alcohol after 9 pm any day of the week. NINE FUCKING PM. also, you can't buy alcohol in a grocery store--only low point beer. also, you can buy 'normal' beer in a liquor store (before 9) but it can't be cold. that's right you have to buy your beer warm. also, we have dry counties--cities where you cannot buy any type of alcohol at anytime, ever. yes, for reals. this is the heartland bitches.

to summarize (and i love summaries):

1. don't even think about moving to OK.
2. call the ACLU, then shut the fuck up and be thankful you don't live in OK.
3. you do that.
4. i just threw up a little in my mouth at the thought of ranch flavored wheat thins and cheese 'spread.'
5. of course you're not.

*this is what happens when i don't have a blog of my own as a forum to rant.

Spammon said...

Make sure to tell the ACLU that you have one or more of the following in your background:

African American
Quad-Sexual (no idea what this is, but its possible)
Anything but white

If not, they really don't give a crap about you.

Ellen Aim said...

What an awesome post. I live in TEXAS so draw your own conclusions about liquor stores and my inability to access them on Sunday.

We can go buy beer and wine, though! Real beer, at least, not that Oklahoma horseshit.

ReckenRoll said...

First of all, where the hell does Mr. Shain live?

Second of all, now I really want a Bloody Mary.

Third of all, now that Sadcakes has taken off, I will join you in your V throwing, Horseshit shouting crusade.

Bring it Bitches.

Big Daddy said...

Our governor just signed a bill yesterday [for realz] allowing hooch sales as of July 1st.

You still can't buy a car on Sunday though.

Big Daddy said...

Hooch sales on Sunday I mean.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I think The Liar's Club crew needs to take a field trip to Rothchilds at 11 am on a Sunday. Sounds like a hoot!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Barbie:: How do people enjoy football games if you can't buy beer on Sunday?

Mr. Shain:: Uhh, last time I checked, you DO have a blog fromwhich to rant from. Not a very good one, but one nonetheless.

Spammon:: Luckily for me, I qualify in one of the categories on your list.

Ellen Aim:: Yeah, Oklahoma is truly lame.

Recken:: I knew you would join me in my crusade - you're my wingman forever! PS - I make a damn good bloody mary. Saturday, April 26th - be there!

Big daddy:: As I am considering Denver for nursing school, this is truly good news.

Dr. Ken:: Only if we could get them to open up the (non defunct) bar in the back would I consider it. Unless, we were already drunk of course.

FitnessNerd said...

Well, [Cherry] it could be worse, you can't buy alcohol AT ALL on Sunday here in Indiana (unless it is a consumed at a bar). It's stupid, and it makes idiots who don't plan for Super Bowl sunday, very very angry...

minijonb said...

Sunday blue laws suck! I think you should walk around with the V "up yours" sign 24 hours a day in protest.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You couldn't have pulled a fire alarm or called in a bomb threat on your cell phone?? Amateur.

Shaun said...

Ha! Kes was written by an English teacher at my school and filmed in the next village. When giving someone the V sign, you should say "Up yours!"

Alison said...

aah! i just had my first rothschild lq experience last weekend, but it was at the more reasonable hour of 10 pm on Saturday. Did you notice there's a bar in the back? I asked the guy working there about it...he says it's never open, but the owner renews the liquor license for it every year.

5 of 9er said...

A story fit for a Cherry Ride... classic!

classyandfancy said...

Sorry I am delayed on this one. I was in tax fog & mesmerized by your 'stache.

Leanbean said...

That's so funny because that happened to me and my mom on Sunday as well. She chewed out the guy at Trader Joe's for not selling her two cases of Two Buck Chuck.