It's Hard Out Here for a Sunday Morning Alcoholic

For my Chicago readers: Did you know that you can't but alcohol before 11am on a Sunday?

WTF?

Sunday I was heading to a Bloody Mary brunch and I volunteered to make and bring the Bloody Marys. It is a big responsibility but I felt that I was responsible enough to handle it, as did my hosts (mistake). I had ever intention of buying the materials in advance on Saturday afternoon/evening. But after a long day of not studying and not catching up on some work projects, I decided to reward myself by putting on my pajamas (at 5:30!), eating Ranch flavored Wheat Thins and cheese spread, and watching "30 Rock" from Netflix on my computer and heading to bed around 10:30.* So needless to say, I never made it back out that night.**

Anyway, so Sunday morning I arrive at Dominick's and head to the liquor section, and while there a voice comes over the PA system: "Attention customers, please be aware that no alcohol can be sold before 11am." What the hell?

Now, normally I would throw my arms in the air, curse audibly, and flick some innocent Dominick's employee the "V" sign (which has become my new favorite "fuck you" gesture -- see photo at left).*** But since there were people depending on me, I vowed not to give up and instead try another grocery store (in this case the ghetto Jewel in West Town), where maybe restrictions would be a bit more lax.

Turns out they weren't. There was an employee working the liquor section there watching the place like a hawk, not letting anyone step foot in her domain. She did however let me in to buy some non-alcoholic BM**** mix.

Still not deterred, I came up with a plan: If I could sneak back in while she had her back turned, I could grab a bottle of vodka and bring it to the checkout -- because I was convinced that the slacker 19-year old clerk working the register would not be aware of this ridiculous arcane law (after all, if I wasn't aware, he would not be either!) and I would get out of there with alcohol in hand.

So sure enough, I waited until the biddy stepped into the back room and -bam!- like a puma I pounced on that vodka end cap and headed to the cashier. Unfortunately the cashier was on his game and I was deee-nied. To add insult to the injury, he also wouldn't sell me the non-alcoholic BM mix, because after a long discussion with both the cashier and the store manager (not kidding), I was informed that the computer has that item locked-out of the computer until 11am and there was no override. So naturally, I threw my arms in the air, cursed audibly (I actually said: "This is bullshit!"),and left, turning to flick them the "V" sign. as I walked out the door. (Yeah I totally showed them!)

As it turned out, everything ended OK. Even though brunch started at 10, we were able to keep the thirsty guests at bay for an hour with a small bottle the hosts had. And at 11, I ran to Rothschild's Liquor store down the street to get the vodka. But let me tell you something: There's no experience quite like waiting outside Chicago's sketchiest liquor store on a Sunday morning with a half-dozen drunkards to buy alcohol. Where else can you see a woman yelling at her grandchild to quit her crying "for a minute so she can get her beer" while the guy behind you in line gets all up in your grill so he can set down his two fortys because his arms are shaking too much to hold them any longer. It is a soul-crushing experience. And naturally, I recommend it to all of you.

So to summarize:

1. Don't even think about buying liquor before 11am in Chicago on Sunday.
2. I'm calling the ACLU about this law, because it is total bullshit.
3. I'm bringing the "V" symbol to America. Big Time. Because it is totally effective.
4. Ranch flavored Wheat Thins and cheese spread is the bomb.
5. Swear to God, I'm not really a loser. Seriously, I'm not. *****
   

* I'm no shrink, but I might be depressed.
** Try not to be jealous.
*** Who am I kidding? I did it anyway.
**** Any excuse to write "BM" is funny.
***** I'm not, right?