Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Ghost of Myself

Not a Reliable Narrator posted the other day about what would happen if her teenage self could look into the future to see her current self, what would the teenage self think? Or the 20-something self?

It of course got me thinking about how I would answer. I think if either my teenage or my 20-something self were to spend 24 hours with me today and engage me in conversation, this would happen:
  • Teen Self: "Wow, you're kinda sad. Why should I even bother trying to get through high school and college if this is how you are going to end up?"
  • 20-Something Self: "Dude, what the hell is going on with you? I thought we were making real progress here. We've got good friends, on the path to a kick-ass job... Plus, we lost all that baby fat."
I'm kinda joking here, but there's some truth to it. My life right now is pretty strange and messed up. Compared to a few years ago, when I had a comfortable job (and while it didn't leave me very fulfilled, it did provide me with smart, funny and generally great co-workers and great opportunities that made it easy to get through the day); I lived in a city I loved surrounded by good friends; I owned my own home.

Today, I work for myself so that I can also take classes (which can be incredibly stressful and leaves me spending most of my day alone); going to school (after completing my Masters, it is someplace I never wanted to be again, and I grow continually frustrated at the amount of time it will take me to get my degree); am single; am living in a place I don't necessarily want to be; choose not to deal very well with my father's health issues; break down into tears almost daily ('cuz I find the best way to deal with tough situations is to cry); have a few good friends here in Chicago but I don't usually feel very social (most of whom don't know the "old" me, who I liked better than the "current" me); rent a tiny bedroom in an apartment I share with two other people (neither of whom I am overly friendly with) so that I can save money for school.

And most days I'm actually pretty OK with all of this. Not thrilled, obviously, but I'm in this strange situation because I made the choices - about my life, my relationships, and my career - that put me here. So I'm doing the mature thing and dealing with it. Getting through it.

Whatevs. It is late and I am tired and I still have to study for a quiz tomorrow and try and catch a plane.

(Back to regularly scheduled [Cherry]-ness tomorrow.)