Holiday Hell: The Company XMas Party (Pt. I)

Is there anything worse than the Company Holiday party?
Walking that tightrope of: 1) not drinking too much because you don't want to make an ass of yourself, and 2) really, really, really wanting to drink too much just so you can get through the torture of having to be friendly to your bosses in a social setting?

I've been lucky that in the past I've worked for organizations where either:
1) I liked the people I worked with; or
2) the company was big enough that nobody paid any attention to me; or
3) both.

This year I am not so lucky because I work for a company of nine people, very few of whom I would associate with outside of work (just as I'm sure most of them would not care to spend time with me). Which means there will be no fading into the background or excusing myself to go to the bathroom and then climbing through the window to escape without someone noticing. I will actually need to be "social" and "witty" and "engaged in conversation" and "not a threat to national security." It sucks.

Reading Wingman's thoughts on her company party (as well as several other's adventures and thoughts) and the fact that mine is in a few days got me thinking about all the other work holiday parties I've attended and some of the bad things that have happened. On the one hand, I'm hoping my company party goes smoothly and without incident. On the other, it would be great to add a few items to the list below for next year:

Worst Company Holiday Party Moments (in order of significance):

1. First off we can start here as a warm-up.
2. Me spilling a run and coke and the brand new white carpeting in my boss' house. (For as long as I worked there - which was a year - he never let me forget it.) Bonus: I wasn't even drunk!
3. Me introducing my date/friend to my boss, and my boss responding to her with: "You have nice tits." Bonus: my friend/date calling him a prick to his face. (No, I didn't stay with that company very long after.)
4. Me smoking a cigar (my first ever) with my boss and getting so buzzed and nauseous from it that I needed to leave the room and use the wall as a means to keep steady and not fall over. Bonus: only about three co-workers saw this.
   
5. Me using the bushes behind my boss' neighbor's garage to vomit from smoking a cigar (see #4 above). Bonus: it was fucking raining outside and I got wet.
6. Me getting behind the bar at the club my company rented out for the holiday party and attempting to play bartender to co-workers and executives. Bonus: I actually made a vodka tonic for one of the VPs.
   
7. Me getting yelled at by the real bartenders for getting behind the bar at the club my company rented out for the holiday party and attempting to play bartender to co-workers and executives. Bonus: there are photos of this.
8. Me thinking it would be funny to lay across the bar while a coworker got a photo of it. Bonus: None. There's no upside to that.
9. Attempting to get down with the clown on the dancefloor with the CEO of my company. Bonus: Hard to say -- for awhile afterwards she knew who I was, but I don't know if its because she liked that I danced with her or because she thought I was an idiot. I prefer to think the former.

Stay tuned next week for an update... Proper.