Thursday, May 24, 2007

Open Letters

Dear Left Calf Muscle: Listen, I’m sorry that I’m making you bike 25 minutes to work each morning, then 25 minutes back home. I know you’d rather sit on the Purple Line and relax. But that’s just how it is going to be. You need to deal with it and move on, and stop cramping up on me just because you’re angry. Yesterday while walking the hall at work, I felt you actually *pop*. I'm no doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's not good. You’re pissed. I get it. But let’s all go back to normal so I can start running and swimming again.

Dear Allergies: I thought we’d covered this already, years ago. You start to act up, I take some Claratin. Repeat for several weeks and we both get along fine. What, suddenly that’s not good enough for you? Now you’re waking me up in the middle of the night? Please, give me a break. I just want to get through the next couple of weeks – is that too much to ask?

Dear Pharmaceutical Companies: How hard is it to make an over the counter allergy pill that works? Seriously. C’mon already. I’m dying here.

Dear People at the Corner Deli Responsible for Stocking the Twix Candy Bars: Can we do something about storing them in a place where they don’t melt? Every time I buy one, I open the wrapper and it’s all brown goo. I have to put it in the freezer for 30 minutes unless I want that shit all up on my grill. Is it too much to ask to enjoy a Twix without getting that shit all over my hands?

Dear Neil Finn: I love you. I am so excited about the new Crowded House album in July I'm ready to piss myself. I love you. Richard and I are really looking forward to seeing you in August (me more so than Richard, but that’s OK). I love you. When you get in town, give me a call and we’ll hang. Did I mention that I love you?

Dear Woman Selling That Awesome Mid-Century Modern Couch on Craigslist: I was the first responder to your ad (you even told me so). You want to sell it, I want to buy it. That simple. Quit messing around and call me back already. I want that fucking couch!!

15 comments:

NamesAreHardToPick said...

Yeah thanks to meth they have decided to become more strict about over the counter allergy medications.

Dop said...

Funny post. Did I mention I love you?

K.I.D. said...

Your muscle popped??? Ow. My elbow pops a lot.

classyandfancy said...

You should tell the Craigslist lady tht you're a leopard. She would totally sell it to you then.

Alannah said...

It is so awesome that you're biking to work. Good for you! And don't worry....your calf muscle will thank you for it one day, ungrateful mass of tissues!

Yup, methheads gotta go ruin it for everyone.

Chris said...

No way! That couch is totally mine! Hands off!

CATHERINETTE SINGLETON said...

Wow, you were incredibly busy today.

Diana said...

Hey thanks for providing the link to Neil Finn. I will be downloading some of their songs for sure.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Airam said...

I love your letters ... especially the one to your left calf muscle!

Julie_Gong said...

My one calf is bigger than the other. At least you don't have that problem.

One Lil Aussie said...

I will share you with Tim Finn. But Tim Finn ONLY! :)

Alison said...

Did you get the couch? Don't you just love (hate) craigslist?

Shaun in Singapore said...

What is a mid-century couch?

Kadonkadonk said...

Dear Cherry: Could you also write a letter to Interstate 66 and tell it I am NOT happy about it taking my tire this evening? Thanks.

10,000 Spoons said...

I got one up on ya' re: the Twix: for the last MONTH or so every time I go to get a Twix out of the vending machine the damned thing HAS NO CARMEL IN IT! Just the cookie thing and a sheet of crumpled in chocolate. I mean, what the hell? Is the dude stocking just ONE vendng machine and has a whole buttload of carmel-less Twix?