Monday, September 17, 2007

I've Got Bitch Tits

Like anyone else, over the last few years I've noticed my body going through some changes, and not good ones.


I spent most of my teen and adult years working out (I've been a competitive swimmer - high school, then college, then in a master's program) but pretty much stopped going to the pool or the gym about two years ago. To nobody's surprise but my own, this has resulted in some unfortunate fat and weight gain. I am by no means obese; but for someone of my small height and stature, I've been getting a bit, well, full figured.

A few weeks ago Dr. Ken posted about his pecs, and it got me thinking about my own. Those years of swimming a couple miles a day gave me, in my opinion, a bigger-than-average chest and shoulders, which I was generally content with. But one of the downsides of having a nice muscular chest is that it very easily turns to fat when you do nothing but sit on your ass and eat donuts. In short, I developed a case of bitch tits.*

I went from having a chest I was proud of, to having a chest that any 12-year old girl would be proud of. My boobs shake when I run down a flight of stairs. They brush up against people on the train. I have a hard time sleeping on my stomach. This is a problem, people.

Now this is where it gets even more disconcerting: Over the past few weeks I have begun working out again -- losing weight, toning up and feeling pretty good that I'm getting my body back on track and into my old routine. The problem is, I don't think I'm losing weight (or gaining muscle mass, for that matter) in my pecs! My torso is shrinking and toning, but my bitch tits are staying the same flabby size! It's like my man-boobs are looking proportionally bigger than before!
At this rate, a manssiere may soon be in order. Good thing XMas is around the corner.

Thanks for listening.

* Not the actual bitch tits certain men get from taking too many steroids, or the real gynecomastia medical condition. My bitch tits are steroid-free and come from not enough exercise and too many Entenmann's Cheese Coffeecakes.

24 comments:

5 of 9er said...

How many pounds of ice cream did you eat last night during Rock Of Love?

the Imelda said...

Were the boobies the last thing to arrive, if so, they'll probaly be the last to leave...

Ms. Adams Morgan is comin' up...

Get on the stairmaster!

KateR - Seattle/London/wherever said...

what do you think you are - bigger than an A cup? heading towards a B cup? if you're broad in the back it might be hard to get a man bra to fit :)

Breast reduction is always an option - I know plenty of people, mainly/only female it's true, who've had that done and very satisfied with the results.

Or you could try for silicon inserts in the pec area - I saw some freaks having that done once on Dr 90210. But looked pretty painful.

ADW said...

Give 'em to me. Please?

Loaf said...

As I've also found, hard work and exercise is the only way to turn those moobs back in to a respectable barrel!

Best thing I found in the boob battle was a pull-up bar that just clips in the door frame; that should get them back in shape pretty quick.

Michael5000 said...

Hmm, this just isn't the kind of thing I'd be posting on during the Blog of Love excitement.

(Although, topicwise, it beats sharting.)

But then, I'm just a big Blog Ho.

mysterygirl! said...

So are you saying that you're getting a nice hourglass figure? And what does it say about me that I have no trouble sleeping on my stomach?

Unfortunately, your body might just lose weight from the chest last. For example, when I lose weight, I lose it in my arms and torso before I lose it in my legs. On the bright side, I don't think that all hope is lost. Keep doing what you're doing, Cherry, and you'll SO be the hotness soon.

Mr. Shain said...

wow, tmi. and why weren't there pictures?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Get a sex change operation. You've got the tits and you already like dudes...all you need now is a third hole.

Shaun in Singapore said...

I think you should name your man baps 'Double Whoppers' - in honour of one of your favourite meals.

chuckdaddy2000 said...

Are they anything like Helen Mirren's?

I feel you. I started working out to get rid of my beer belly and it just grew harder.

blythe said...

somehow, strangely, this post has endeared you to me further. someone explain.

Mr. Shain said...

turns out bee-spot and [cherry] have A LOT in common, upstairs. next week's blog goes below the belt (or empire waist ladies).

blythe said...

now shain, do you say empire or umpeer? i have you pegged for empire. but you know it's umpeer, right?

Kadonkadonk said...

Thanks for reminding me that I am a fat ass and need to start working out. Just what I wanted to think about right after I shoved two donuts in my mouth...

Julie_Gong said...

My friend had bitch tits. He starves himself now and looks like a small African child. Yea... don't do that. Donuts are just too good to do that.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Niner:: I'd say about two pounds - one for each tit.

Imelda:: Welcome back! I couldn't get to Ms. A-M when I lived in DC, what makesyou think I'm going to make it there now that I'm in Chicago?

KateR: Not quite sure, but I think I'm streadily in the B Cup zone.

ADW:: Gladly.

Loaf:: Sage advice.I used to have one of those pullup bars and they did work wonders.

M5K:: I'm all about the thoughtful posts during BOL,you Ho!

MG:: No, not hourglass,just kinda fat. What I need is a good stick figure drawing to demonstrate!

Shain:: Please, you LIVE for my tmi.

Dyck:: Hmmm. Tempting as that sounds, No. Besides, I would make one ugly-ass woman.

Shaun:: Excellent idea. Consider them named.

CD2K:: No, nothnig like Ms. Mirren's. Those are hot, and I wouldn't be complaining somuch if they did.

Blythe:: Of course it has. This is me we're talkig about. PS - I'm winning, right?

Shain:: Very true. Our strongest common bond is our disliking of you, of course.

Blythe:: Don't be so silly. It is "umpire." Did you learn nothing at Smith?

Kadonkadonk:: You should never feel bad about shoving two donuts in your mouth.

Julie:: I may be crazy, but I'm not that crazy!

Chris said...

Dude, as long as you don't look like this guy:

http://tinyurl.com/jbvt7

I think you'll be ok.

Kadonkadonk said...

EWW!! If you look like that guy, PLEASE get a surgery!

KAZ said...

Thanks for being so Frank. He's a good mate of mine.
Re the boobs - As I get older and less inclined to work out I get flatter. Ironic ain't it.

Just buy some nice linen or cotton short sleeved shirts, and stop worrying.

You're georgeous!

Airam said...

If it makes you feel any better I've got bitch tits too.

captain corky said...

Tomorrow I start my diet. I've been saying that for the last 10 years now. My chest is still pretty good from when I worked out, but this gut...

Ellen Aim said...

I'm there with you. I'm a petite lass but had to work out when I worked as a camera operator and even started to get bitchin' Holly Hunter arms. Then I moved to Japan and never worked out again. No one told me the muscle would just turn to flab.

I think my arms and your bitch tits should get together and go bowling.

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