Friday, May 23, 2008

That Just 'Taint Right

I'd like to share a story that may or may not be true with y'all. The reason it may or may not be true is because, well, if it were true it would mean that someone may or may not have broken a federal law, which could put someone in a position to be prosecuted by the TSA or the FBI or NSA or some government agency (and those people mean bidnatch, if you know what I mean) if any of them happened to be reading someone's blog.

As you know, somone had a long business trip to Seattle recently. Besides business, that person was able to get in some time for fun also, and therefore needed to pack smartly to accommodate a mix of work clothes, workout clothes, fun clothes and wedding clothes. Also, two laptop computers and other electronics blah, blah, blah. This mixture resulted in a suitcase that weighed 55 pounds, which is 5 pounds past most airline's weight requirements.


On the way out to Seattle, United was kind enough to look past the extra 5 pounds without charging someone $50 (seriously, are you kidding?). On the way back, that person was not so lucky with US Air. So right there at the airport as that person is checking their bag, someone needed to make some quick decisions about what to take out of the suitcase and put instead into their carry-on bag.

... Interlude: While in Portland for the weekend someone picked up a large bottle of Aveda Hydrating Skin Lotion in the 16.9 ounce glass bottle (see photo above). 25 years of competitive swimming and chlorine has destroyed someone's skin and that person pretty much has to put lotion on any time skin touches water. And these days someone don't mess around - the Aveda stuff is really awesome and worth every penny of the $70 price tag. Plus, this is Portland and there's no sales tax so this stuff is a bargain compared to how much it would cost back home in Chicago...

OK, back to the story: So someone is at the airport in line and needs to take some things out of the suitcase because someone sure-as-shit does not want to pay $50 just to get stuff home. One of the things that someone may or may not have decided to put into the carry-on bag is the 16.9 oz. glass bottle of lotion (which, btw, weighs about 5 pounds).

Fast forward 15 minutes, after hitting the bookstore and bathroom someone is about to head through the TSA security line, and suddenly realizes that there may or may not be a huge glass bottle in the carry-on bag, which will totally not make it past security.

Fuck.

This shit is expensive and brand new and who would feel like throwing it into the trash only to buy a new bottle in Chicago (read: 10% sales tax)? Answer: Nobody would, right?

At this point someone may or may not have three choices:

  1. Go back to check-in counter and try to check it back into the checked bag (which is likely on its way to the plane), and pay the extra $50 bucks or try to get out 5 pounds of clothes (which wouldn't fit into the carry-on anyway). Uhhh, that would be a big No.
  2. Go through security and sweet talk the TSA worker into letting someone bring the bottle through. Have any of you ever heard a story where a TSA worker actually listened to reason? Uhhh, that would be a big No also.
  3. Head into the bathroom and stick that big, cold, heavy and expensive bitch of a glass bottle down your pants, snuggling it oh-so-not comfortably in what is known in medical circles as the Taint Region (or TR for short).
Someone may or may not have gone with Choice #3.

Someone may or may not have walked through security with a noticeable limp and uncomfortable gait thanks to the forces at play in the TR, and someone may or may not have made it through security without incident. In case I did not mention it, that big, heavy and expensive bitch of a glass bottle may or may not have been really, really cold to the touch, especially in the TR.

If this story is indeed true, that person is not proud of what happened. That person is normally a law-abiding citizen. Nor would someone advocate trying something this stupid with a federal agency. But today someone may or may not have a big bottle of wonderful Aveda Hydrating Lotion waiting in the bathroom to soothe their dry skin.

28 comments:

House of Jules said...

Oh TSA, what have you brought us to? Desperate times call for desperate measures; and clearly these are desperate times. I don't know I would have thought of that solution, so I applaud you! I assume you removed it from the TR before the actual flight?
Jules
House of Jules

Shaun said...

As they say in tailoring circles, did Sir dress to the left, or the right?

Girl Friday said...

I have to smuggle shit back from dodgey countries the whole time, this is a brilliant idea. Also seeing as I have less crowding my TR it may be a more then feasible option! Do you think I could stick a bottle of wine? For some reason the limit is 3 in the EU and that is just not enough.

Mr. Shain said...

oh cherry, once again i'm reading about your taint before 9 am. seriously, this has to stop. (seriously.)

i enjoyed that you risked potential federal prosecution for $70. you sir have a price, and now we know it's less than a benjamin. (not that we had any doubt.)

finally, explain to your readers what function the apostrophe in your title serves. (eat it.)

Ryan Charisma said...

someone should have used Fed Ex.

5 of 9er said...

Was this someone you? I just have a feeling it was, but I am not really sure.

Spammon said...

You my friend, are brave. I would even say you have balls. Glass balls. In the shape of an Aveda Hydrating Lotion bottle.

Julie_Gong said...

were you sweating your balls off while going through security?

i would have been and i don't even have balls.

paul said...

I may or may not be impressed that somebody actually did that.

step right up said...

You sure do know an awful lot about this someone's skin habits and nether regions. Who shares this kind of stuff with you?

ReckenRoll said...

Christ on a Bicycle!

Mr. Shain needs to check his math. The price is $140. $70 bottle + $50 luggage fee.

Much Klassier.

Big Daddy said...

Someone is fond of smuggling items in that region.

Ellen Aim said...

Ok, first of all: good fucking call. I did not have your foresight, so at SIX AM this past weekend I found myself arguing the semantics of LIQUID VS SOLID as the TSA lady and I tried to decide what 5 oz. of body mask scrub was. Either way, it was 2 oz. too much. And so one of my maid-of-honor presents got confiscated.

Seriously.

I also think they may have pulled me out of line as I may or may not have had a giant purple rabbit vibrator in my bag. Can you believe no one bothered me in DFW but in San Fran I got shit?

carolyn says said...

my brother is an air marshall, i am totally sending him that picture of you molesting that pig so he knows to keep an eye out for you and your terroristic (yet well moisturized) ways!

Mr. Shain said...

reckenroll: $70 + $50 = $140 ???

i think cherry must have tainted your math skills.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I bet that cold bottle felt kind of nice on the old grundle. Airport security can be kind of a bitch, so why not pamper yourself with a little grundle coolage?

Hey, I saw that you changed your facebook pic to the drunk shot you took that night we were out. What you say to a facebook group where we all have those drunk pics, or something. That sounded like a good idea when I started typing it . . .

Essentially Me said...

Holy crap I can't believe you may or may not have had the balls to put that bottle, well, near your balls!

JUSTIN said...

I may or may not have far too much experience in concealing bottles of whiskey in the TR...

PS - Fuck you House of Blues security.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

First off, to Everybody:: Why do you assume I am writing about me?

Jules:: Yes, it may have been removed before the flight. Someone may have mad a bee-line straight for the first bathroom past security.

Shaun:: As Beyonce has recently sung, To the Left.

Girl Friday:: Hmm, a bottle of wine may be a bit tricky. But I think you should try it just to see what happens.

Mr. Shain:: Please, you LIVE for my taint stories.

Ryan:: Sure, easy for you to say now.

Niner:: No, I am not saying it was me.

Spammon:: Balls o' Glass - I like that.

Julie:: Oddly, I played it cool.

Paul:: Someone may or may not thank you for the complement.

Step Right up:: True. But people often tell me the most intimate details of their lives. I have that effect on people.

Recken:: Thanks for having my back. Hurricane!!!!!

Big Daddy:: It is a new hobby of mine! I must add it to my blogger profile.

Ellen:: Sadcakes about the gifts! But remember this tale for next time.

Carolyn:: Why o why does everyone think I was molesting the pig?? I was merely trying to sit on it. Oh nevermind.

Mr. Shain:: Back off.

Dr. Ken:: After the initial cold shock, there may or may not have been a pleasant tingle. As far as the Facebook group goes, let's do it.

Essentially Me:: I know, right? So very unlike me.

Justin:: I won't be drinking whiskey when I come over for a visit, I guess.

I'm Frank said...

"The following story is true, and by true, I mean false. But it is entertaining. And isn't that, in it's own way, the real truth? The answer, is no."

Brilliant. You are an inspiration to us all in the art of smuggling skin lotion through the oh-so-tight network of our nation's airline security.

Jidai said...

No, I've never done that... I've never shoved something like a beer bottle down there... never...

radioactive girl said...

Well then, someone may or may not be a genius. What a quick thinking solution. Hopefully someone was able to find a bathroom quickly and remove it...unless that someone liked the feeling.

fort knocks said...

haha, I was once drunk enough to try that with a cold can of beer - and to fail to realize that beer cans are made of metal... but fortunately not enough to set off the metal detector.

I didn't actually do that, because I wasn't traveling, or anywhere near an airport. But I was drunk enough. It was right now.

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