Wednesday, July 30, 2008

PEST FEST Day 5: The Hilarious Sitcom

Shauna is ready to pop. She’s due on Monday, but I’m betting that baby is coming Friday. She’s been taking it all in stride, actually, but I think I am starting to freak out a little. We spend a lot of the day apart (her doing her thing, me doing mine) and every time the phone rings I immediately think it is her, telling me to get my ass home to driver her to the hospital because the kid’s head is poking out from between her vag.

Her husband Richard, who has been on an important biz trip in SE Asia, arrives tomorrow (thank God), but I feel like if called upon I am ready to help out. I've got her list of important numbers in my phone, know the quickest route to the hospital, know which questions to ask, read that section of What To Expect When You're Expecting geared towards the husband/partner/gay friend next-on-the-list-in-case-nobody-else-is-around.

Shauna and I have been really close friends for 12 years. She’s really like a sister I never had. There isn’t a whole lot of taboo subjects between us – we’ve seen each other naked (there has been some streaking and skinny dipping in our past); went with each other to get tattoos (ed. note: writing that sounds very strange); have discussed every possible subject with each other; performed any number of super classy body tricks/functions in each other’s presence (this may be more me than her, actually).

Anyway, as close as we’ve been we’ve never lived under the same roof, let alone when she’s been pregnant. Earlier I said that our temporary living arrangement would make a good Bravo reality show, but now I’m thinking it is better served as a quirky comedy on Fox. The part of Shauna would be played by someone like Kate Winslet
(Shauna's a proper British gal from the Lake District, after all).

I’d be played by Paul Rudd or Bradley Cooper, both of whom resemble me (OK, perhaps not even remotely close but shut up and just give me this one, alright?) and could accurately portray the unusual, slightly troubled yet funny and sexy nuances of my winning personality (again, just shut up already).

Imagine Kate delivering these lines (actually said to me by Shauna over the last 5 days):

  • “Are you actually eating a spoonful of peanut butter?? Right from the jar?”
  • “You look different in this photo… quite handsome, actually.”
  • “I noticed that you ate that entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s last night.”
  • “Is that smell coming from your feet??”
  • “You are a negative influence on me. I’m telling everyone that Burgerville was your idea.”

And then there’d be Paul or Bradley, responding to Kate with just a shrug of the shoulders and a look of helplessness towards the camera, and then the audience would burst into laughter and applause. It will be awesome 5000. *

I can only imagine how much better the conversations are going to get once the baby arrives. Stay tuned.

* The show would probably go off the air after 3 episodes and be re-tooled with a talking dog, RuPaul as the neighbor, and me totally out of the picture. But anyway.


d said...

this whole story has me terrified and sweaty for both you and her.

but mostly her.

ReckenRoll said...

So the husband is the baby daddy?

I've learned from reality tv to never just assume these things.

Mr. Shain said...

i actually shot milk through my nose i was laughing so hard when i read that you'd be played by paul rudd or bradley cooper. it's the first time i've laughed at this blog in a long while. good work [cherry] ride.

but seriously, i've already called child protective services and they're ready to intervene as soon as that poor baby is born.

Michael5000 said...

I'm totally on board with this "awesome5000" concept.

House of Jules said...

According to my History Channel addicted brother, my bar is set a little lower than the average TV viewer, but I gotta say that this is the best show idea since another person of brilliance came up with Rock of Love. Have you pitched this idea to VH1? I feel it's only right that Sara Bareilles does your theme song.
House of Jules

Ellen Aim said...

The PB jar comment is so me, but I snorted my wine when I read, “You look different in this photo… quite handsome, actually.”


Mr. Shain said...

hurray for liquids in the nose!

KateR - Seattle/London/wherever said...

So you're saying that this whole experience could turn out to be more Knocked Up than Friends (just playing out the Paul Rudd theme...) You have seen Knocked Up right to the very end, preferably on a big screen in the front row of the cinema, haven't you? Cos if not, you might want to download it before the baby arrives - you know, just in case the baby daddy gets delayed on the way back from SE Asia, and What To Expect When You're Expecting didn't go into graphic enough detail...

Good luck Shauna! (and Cherry too!!!)

Ryan Charisma said...

Well, if RuPaul is in it - count me in!

surviving myself said...

Yeah, sorry man, RuPaul is better than just about anyone.

Spammon said...

Do you prefer the crunchy or the creamy? I like the crunchy. Creamy is lame. Unless you like creamy, then it's cool too.

I'm Frank said...

"...the kid’s head is poking out from between her vag."

Is that seriously where babies come from?

Julie_Gong said...

I just knew awesome 5000 was going to catch on!


blythe said...

are you fashioning tiny capes for the new babe? shain and i had the brilliant idea last night (actually, it was all mine, but he'll feel left out) of you and
M5K starting a quilted cape line. talk about awesome5000.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Can I propose Rick Moranis as the annoying neighbor? He was so good in Ghostbusters as Luis Tulley of Central Park West/Vince Clorto Keymaster of Gozer. I watched too much TV as a kid . . .

Mr. Shain said...

i have no recollection of that idea blythe. did we even talk last night?

minijonb said...

Shauna would be played by Kate Winslet?!? yummm... set me up.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

D:: What?? Shauna is in good hands with me around!

Wingman:: Yes, hubbie is baby daddy. You didn't think it was me, did you?

Mr. Shain:: We've already discussed the whole Paul Rudd thing, and you can Suck It.

M5K:: I wish I could take credit, but as you now know, it is Julie Gong's idea. But that don't mean I'm not going to co-opt it away from her.

Jules:: I would make good TV, I've always felt. But why not aim higher and try to get Sara as my neighbor so we can play out my fantasy??

Ellen:: Word indeed. Shauna is so abusive towards me.

KateR:: Of course I've seen Knocked Up on the big screen. It is a safe bet that any movie with Paul Rudd in it I've seen on the big screen.

Ryan:: I'll let the producers know they've got a fan in you if they go the RuPaul route.

Surviving:: See immediately above.

Spammon:: On this we agree - crunchy is king.

Frank:: So I've been told. I try to stay away from the female's private parts as much as possible.

Julie:: Yes, thank you for Awesome 5K. It is, well, Awesome 5000.

Blythe:: This is perhaps the best idea you've had this year.

Dr. Ken:: Good idea. And you just know he's available - what has he done lately?

MiniJB:: She's taken, unfortunately.

ReckenRoll said...

Awesome 5000!

I'm on board.

lp said...

Oh man, this preggers girl wants Burgerville. Mmmm, a Tillamook cheeseburger and chocolate malt...though 9er would want the marionberry shake. I am jealous ;).