Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
- Thinks the new Hulk movie is going to be a big green turd?
- Is already tired of the new Death Cab album?
- Thinks this is perhaps the greatest culinary invention ever, and also thinks it would make an outstanding gift for the [C]R's upcoming birthday?
- Is annoyed that Monocle magazine has mentioned the 2016 Olympic bid competition twice in as many months without mentioning Chicago as a top contender?
- Doesn't know what the hell Monocle magazine is?
- Will be drinking Summer Shandy all season long?
- Thinks Smith's Night at Danny's could use some improvement, despite the antics of the Private Dancer (it's OK, this is more of an inside joke).
Monday, May 26, 2008
- Updating Facebook.
- Harassing people on Facebook.
- Harassing people via text message.
- Harassing people via phone.
- Updating my Flickr!
- Eating peanut butter straight from the jar.
- Sending an e-mail to Amazon's customer care center to inquire why the book I ordered in February has still not been sent to me.
- Rationalizing how important the above things are vs. not working.
- Creating lame lists to post on [C]R.
Friday, May 23, 2008
I'd like to share a story that may or may not be true with y'all. The reason it may or may not be true is because, well, if it were true it would mean that someone may or may not have broken a federal law, which could put someone in a position to be prosecuted by the TSA or the FBI or NSA or some government agency (and those people mean bidnatch, if you know what I mean) if any of them happened to be reading someone's blog.
As you know, somone had a long business trip to Seattle recently. Besides business, that person was able to get in some time for fun also, and therefore needed to pack smartly to accommodate a mix of work clothes, workout clothes, fun clothes and wedding clothes. Also, two laptop computers and other electronics blah, blah, blah. This mixture resulted in a suitcase that weighed 55 pounds, which is 5 pounds past most airline's weight requirements.
On the way out to Seattle, United was kind enough to look past the extra 5 pounds without charging someone $50 (seriously, are you kidding?). On the way back, that person was not so lucky with US Air. So right there at the airport as that person is checking their bag, someone needed to make some quick decisions about what to take out of the suitcase and put instead into their carry-on bag.
... Interlude: While in Portland for the weekend someone picked up a large bottle of Aveda Hydrating Skin Lotion in the 16.9 ounce glass bottle (see photo above). 25 years of competitive swimming and chlorine has destroyed someone's skin and that person pretty much has to put lotion on any time skin touches water. And these days someone don't mess around - the Aveda stuff is really awesome and worth every penny of the $70 price tag. Plus, this is Portland and there's no sales tax so this stuff is a bargain compared to how much it would cost back home in Chicago...
OK, back to the story: So someone is at the airport in line and needs to take some things out of the suitcase because someone sure-as-shit does not want to pay $50 just to get stuff home. One of the things that someone may or may not have decided to put into the carry-on bag is the 16.9 oz. glass bottle of lotion (which, btw, weighs about 5 pounds).
Fast forward 15 minutes, after hitting the bookstore and bathroom someone is about to head through the TSA security line, and suddenly realizes that there may or may not be a huge glass bottle in the carry-on bag, which will totally not make it past security.
This shit is expensive and brand new and who would feel like throwing it into the trash only to buy a new bottle in Chicago (read: 10% sales tax)? Answer: Nobody would, right?
At this point someone may or may not have three choices:
- Go back to check-in counter and try to check it back into the checked bag (which is likely on its way to the plane), and pay the extra $50 bucks or try to get out 5 pounds of clothes (which wouldn't fit into the carry-on anyway). Uhhh, that would be a big No.
- Go through security and sweet talk the TSA worker into letting someone bring the bottle through. Have any of you ever heard a story where a TSA worker actually listened to reason? Uhhh, that would be a big No also.
- Head into the bathroom and stick that big, cold, heavy and expensive bitch of a glass bottle down your pants, snuggling it oh-so-not comfortably in what is known in medical circles as the Taint Region (or TR for short).
Someone may or may not have walked through security with a noticeable limp and uncomfortable gait thanks to the forces at play in the TR, and someone may or may not have made it through security without incident. In case I did not mention it, that big, heavy and expensive bitch of a glass bottle may or may not have been really, really cold to the touch, especially in the TR.
If this story is indeed true, that person is not proud of what happened. That person is normally a law-abiding citizen. Nor would someone advocate trying something this stupid with a federal agency. But today someone may or may not have a big bottle of wonderful Aveda Hydrating Lotion waiting in the bathroom to soothe their dry skin.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
You know when you haven't blogged in a long time and there's just too much to catch up on so why even bother? Yeah, that's kinda what I'm going through at the moment. Something like 16 of the last 25 days have been spent in the Pac Northwest, the place I used to call home that I love and miss very much. I am very reluctant to leave. The trip was a lot of work, and a lot of fun; the best of times, the toughest of times; some laughter (drunk), some tears (drunk, not drunk, hungry). Better than Cats and all that shit.
I'm on the plane heading back to Chicago, and I'm exhausted. During the week I was up late and up early for work stuff; on the weekends I was out late catching up with friends. Instead of boring you all with the play-by-plays (wedding receptions, speeding tickets, celebrity sightings, jogging while intoxicated, you know - the usuals) I'm instead reviewing some of the memorable words said in my presence or texted to me over the course of my trip.
Share them with you? OK, but only because you've insisted. Note: some of the names of the guilty have been redacted to save embarassment.
- "Like the Doobie Brothers, I'm Taking It To The Streets" (MK, referring to his weekend)
- "I'm also giving you a ticket for aggressive driving" (Washington State Trooper, who gave me a ticket for going 80 in a 60 somewhere outside of Olympia)
- "I AM Julie Andrews!" (Kate at the Alibi Room)
- "That's the problem with christian rock -- you think you're listening to Goo Goo Dolls or Sarah McLachlan and then suddenly it's too late" (PG, referring to the horrible radio options on the drive from Seattle to Portland)
- "It's a Boston Thing -- you wouldn't understand" (said by me and Kate to Recken at the Alibi Room)
- "I met a homeless guy with no thumbs the other night" (texted to me out of nowhere by GFC)
- "[C]R will have a boyfriend before you do" (Dave to Recken, when discussing possible wedding dates)
- "I should have at least removed my SPANX" (SS, referring to some other stuff we don't really need to get into)
- "I woke up and had no idea what was going on - I walked into the kitchen to take a dump" (MK, referring to his Sunday morning)
- "This is the first I have heard the term 'Cock Block' and will be incorporating it in to my everyday worklife as often as possible" (SS via e-mail)
- "That song is Spunky. And I need to inject some Spunk into my life this summer" (me, to Erin, referring to this)
- "She doesn't like Shia LeBouf??? Why the fuck does anyone have a problem with Shia LeBouf??" (RK)
- "Hurricane!!" (Recken)
- "Vaginal discharge" (texted to me by a guy on my blogroll who shall remain nameless during a very important work meeting)
- "The 80s called and they want their shoes back" (SR, referring to these)
- "I want my own Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa!" (MA, while listening to Vampire Weekend)
- "I can't serve you shots of vodka because that's against the rules. However, I can serve you tumblers of vodka over ice if you'd prefer" (by the bartender and Erin & Ryan's reception)
- "I'm embarrassed to ride in your car with you!" (AR, referring to my piece of shit rental car)
- "I've been duped by Newton Faulkner!" (me to Ryan & Erin, after purchasing the less-than-stellar new NF CD)
- "We'll be a power couple in Boston!" (Recken)
Friday, May 16, 2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
It's 12:45 on Friday night/Saturday morning. And I was studying but I don't feel like it anymore. I could go home and sleep but the coffee and bag of M&Ms (and not a little bag - one of those big ones) I had for dinner have me feeling, well, awake. So I will continue to hang here at Starbucks with all the other complete losers.
To add insult to injury, it is a beautiful night here in Chicago, and Classy invited me to experience the freakshow spectacle of Looptopia. Rubber monkey puppets and M.A.D.D. Rhythms' Tapethetically Speaking rhythm nation tapdancing vibe? Normally I'd be all up in that shit, but I gots to study. Meissner corpuscles and interventricular foramina aren't going to learn my brain all by themselves, if you know what I'm saying.
I've been thinking about my week, reflecting on some of the more random things that I've experienced. Share them with you? Sure, but only because you are insisting. In no particular order:
- I woke up on Thursday and realized that I hadn't had a shower since Tuesday. As I normally shower at least once a day, I still cannot figure out how I let the hell that one slip by. See, this is the problem with working alone and generally being anti-social -- there's nobody around to tell you that you smell.
- Tuesday night I had a disturbing dream that I was drowning. To the point that I remember that horrible sensation of water filling my lungs and not being able to breathe. This is especially peculiar since I'm a good swimmer and have I've always believed that it would be impossible for me to drown even in the worst circumstances. Guess not.
- Another weird dream I had yesterday: I finally met Neil Finn in a hotel lobby (Crowded House is back in Chicago next weekend and I'm sad because I'm missing the show as I will be out of town. My love for Neil and Crowded House is well-documented). Anyway, in the dream I blathered to him how much I loved him and his music and he's a genius and blah, blah, blah and I actually started crying in the dream. WTF?
- Speaking of WTF and crying, on the treadmill the other day watching CNN (there's only so much VH-1 I can watch) and it was a report on New Orleans and I started crying. At the gym. On the treadmill. In front of other people.
- Anybody remember that song "Steel Claw" by Ms. Tina Turner? Yes? No? Well if not, you best be looking it up because it is the Shit. "It doesn't matter when you're lying in the gutter... It's what you get for messing with the steel claw." Damn, that's poetry right there.
- My roommate is a sweet girl and she recently found me on Facebook (still not sure how that happened...). But if she sends me one more fucking hug/happy hour/teddy bear/"what kind of car/ice cream/pony are you?" bullshit invite application I will take a hammer to her keyboard.
- At school I got an actual love note passed to me. It was like being in high school all over again (except I never got love notes passed to me in high school but nevermind). I'll spare all the details but it read along the lines of: "I see you in the library and cafeteria and if you want to hang out this summer call me..." If this person only knew I was probably twice her age she'd probably throw up. But anyway, I guess the attention from barely legal girls can be flattering? Or not? Nevermind.
- Can pink eye be caused from stress? Cuz there's something not pretty happening yesterday and today with my left eye.
- Also, I have a goddamned pimple in my ear. Seriously. WTF?