Bush Cheney Bumper Sticker

Cherry is about to get all political today. This morning I was late trying to get to the pool, so of course I got stuck behind a pickup truck (on the South Side!) driving too slow with one of those "Bush-Cheney" bumper stickers. It was 5 in the morning, no other cars on the streets, and this guy is going about 30 and taking up both lanes so I couldn't pass him. So this guy pissed me off at the start of my day, and it got me thinking about his bumper sticker, and just how wrong it is.

Let's say you voted for Bush in 2000 because you didn't like Gore. And in 04 you didn't like Kerry. Fine, whatever.

And maybe you voted for Bush (both times) because you're a Republican and you need to support the party. Which is fine, I can (sorta) respect that.

Hopefully you didn't vote for those two idiots because either:

• you think Osama is from Iraq and by sending troops there we'll totally catch him
• you like your SUV/pickup truck and you want Bush to start drilling in Alaska to keep the price of gas down so you can continue to drive your SUV/pickup truck
  
• Jesus says homosexuality is wrong, and a vote for Kerry would be like saying it is OK for The Gays to marry, move in down the street, and become grade school teachers and make your kids go gay!
• Ann Coulter is a hottie!
  

But if to this day you are out there driving around with a Bush Cheney sticker, you have to remove it from your car now, or you are just an idiot, plain and simple.

Because if you personally like either one of them, after all the crap they've done to this country, we've got big problems. Be a Republican, but just say no to those two morons.

The Black Eyed Peas Suck

This has been a long time coming. This band just sucks. It might be argued that they started out strongly - a new fresh hip-hop sound. But c'mon, now they're just lame. Is there not a product these guys won't suck-up for? Apple and iTunes, XM Satellite Radio, Verizon (perhaps with worst cell carrier in the US). Did I see them in a Chevy commercial the other day? Swear to God, Carl's Jr. is next. Their current tour is sponsored by the Honda Civic, for fuck sake! They have no credibility. To wit:

1. A few years ago they change their song "Let's Get Retarded" to "Let's Get it Started" to sell a few more records. Granted, the whole retarded thing wasn't all that PC but whatever.
2. "Elephunk" features appearances from Papa Roach (yes, Papa Roach) and Justin Timberlake. Which makes sense, because if I was out there trying to gain credibility as a hip-hop band, I'd get two white guys to help me out.
   
3. What's the deal with Fergie, anyway? Lots of surgery, that one. She's starting to look like the child of Mickey Rourke and Melanie Griffith. Girl, you're not even middle-aged yet. Give it a rest!
4. "My Humps" is perhaps the worst song recorded in 2005. (Except, of course, by anything from Nickelback, but that goes without saying.)
5. They're touring with The Pussycat Dolls (!), the biggest novelty act of this decade. As a band, aren't you supposed to pick a opening act that closely aligns with your muiscal sensibilities? To admit that you'd like to tour with the Pussycat Dolls is admitting you make shit music. You might as well be touring with that William Hung guy.
1. And while we're on the subject of the Pussycat Dolls, what's with that song "Stickwitu?" Wow, that's romantic. If my lover told me they wanted to "stickwitme forever" I'd run em over in my car. Learn a little proper english.

Finally, you just can't take a band seriously when the members are called Will.I.Am, Apl, and Taboo.

You may be asking, why I care so much about this or why I've given it so much thought? Its because on Monday I was driving from DC to Chicago and heard that fucking "Humps" song everywhere. And by everywhere I mean even in West Virginia and eastern Ohio. (Have you been to those areas? Radio is dominated by Gospel, Classic Rock and Christian Contemporary. And now, apparently "My Humps" too.) That, and because I have nothing else to do.

Highlights from The Reader Classifieds

This week's highlights from the Chicago Reader's Bulletin Board Section. Again, why do people spend the time and effort?

• "Where is my transporter thingy? Och. I can be a scatterbrain sometimes."
• "Is This Ad In The Paper? I submitted this at 4:55pm. Does this show up in the 2/24 issue? Well wouldn't you like to know! I know that you're a nerd and you need to stop messing with my ads!"
• "I don't hate Frank, I just don't feel connected with him any more. I think I was connected to him for a short-time, but in retrospect, which happens very often, realized that we were very different and would never be happy together or completely fullfilled. Recently, The Swiss Hotel brought about a mini-anger fit, but its my problem not his. Someone asked about anger so I thought I would post. Of course, I'm also unhappy about the government...BUSH BLOWS."
• "Ch-ch-chuh-chuh-change-ezz. Bowie, Faure, and Cross-pollination. Confirm a battered but faithful old soul's faith in you, this, everything. I loved Carrie, too. You are no vampire, and have never fooled me. My hands are strong as steel, but a wren and her eggs could nest there and feel downy. Everlasting, even. Number please."

Fascinating Interactions with the Locals (Pt. II)

Background: I'm working at a Starbucks on Michigan Avenue. Seating area is about half full. I'm sitting at a 2-seat table, my things (computer, iPod, magazine, notebook, cell phone) take up the whole table. A guy comes in and comes up to me.

• Crazy Man: "Mind if I sit here?"
• Me (with a look of confusion, as I observe that there are several empty tables in the sitting area): "Ummm, OK."
• So to make room for the guy, I proceed to take all my stuff off the table. Then I remember that I'm sitting next to one of the only available outlets in the room. Maybe he needs to plug something in. But then he just sits down and starts reading the paper (!). This is bullshit. So after about a minute I say:
• Me: "Excuse me for asking, but is there a particular reason you needed to sit here? I mean, there are other empty tables in the room."
• Crazy Man: "I'm just waiting for the bathroom."
• This is also bullshit, because I don't know what sitting at this particular table has to do with waiting for the bathroom, since my table is nowhere close to the bathroom.
• Me: "Umm, OK. Whatever."
• About 10 seconds later the guy gets up, uses the bathroom, then leaves the store.

People is just crazy.

Weather With You

I went to DC this weekend to pick up a few things (my car, my clothes) and say hello to some friends. The Capitol Lounge had finally opened all sections, returning to its former glory. Had a few of Krista's Kickass Lemonades and monopolized the jukebox, just like old times. Saw both Match Point and Date Movie, which as you can imagine are very similar movies; I liked one and hated the other but can't remember which was which.

When I arrived Thursday night, the weather was great - still about 55 degrees at 9pm. But it started getting very cold Friday afternoon and stayed that way until I left Monday morning. Most all my friends knew I was coming in from Chicago, and some of them asked the following joke question (which, btw, never gets old): "Did you bring the cold weather with you?"

Yeah, you caught me. I brought it.

Saturday night met some friends at my favorite bar, Cafe St. Ex. Although the place was Packed. So packed that I think I need to re-evaluate whether or not it is my favorite DC hangout. After about 15 minutes there, we left and went to Halo. Stood next to some guy with the stupidest hair I've seen in a long time, and this is including all the freaks in Sydney. A picture, thanks to Jason, appears below. But it doesn't really do justice to the precise absurdity and height of the hair.

You've Come a Long Way, Beeatch

A year ago today I was hiking the Tongariro Crossing in New Zealand. I was happy. I was care-free. Most of all, I was 10 pounds lighter than I am now.

What have I done today? Contacted some potential employers, sent out a few emails. Fell asleep on the couch. Watched a bit of "Maury." Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

But at least I got up to go swim, my first organized swim workout in about 8 weeks. (Of course, my shoulders, back and legs will be paying for it tomorrow, but...)

Listening to Richard Ashcroft's "Keys to the World" which is rocking my lame ass. Highly recommended (although I see it is getting panned by some critics).

Conversation of the Day (from Overheard in New York):
- Girl #1: Is that a real fur coat?
- Girl #2: Yes, oh my god and this woman started yelling at me this morning. I was like, 'Please don't throw blood on me or something. I don't hate animals; I have a dog!'
- Man: Not around your neck.

Chicago To-Do List

Chicago To-Do List:

It is my 6th official day in Chicago, trying to adjust to my new old surroundings. It’s like I’ve stepped back in time to my high school and college years. I drive and walk around, expecting to see old friends and classmates walking the sidewalks. XRT’s Saturday morning flashback was 1990. Pretenders, Charlatans UK, Jesus Jones, Robert Cray. It was like they knew I was back. I even sprouted two pimples on my face; I haven’t had two pimples on my face since, well, last time I lived in Chicago.

I wake up every morning (in my parent’s guest bedroom – let’s not even go there) adding more items to the growing list of to-do’s, listed below in a general order of priority:
1. Get a job
2. Get an apartment/sublease (for about 6 months)
3. Contact my friends, letting them know I’m back
4. Join a masters team and get my fat ass in shape
5. Look into nursing programs
6. Blog
7. Join a gym, maybe go to it
8. Get a haircut
9. Get a Illinois driver’s license
10. Buy a condo

Hey Jane! Eat Me!

I've been checking out the Chicago Reader each week with interest. I especially love the Bulletin Board Section. What possesses a person to take the time and pay money to place these kinds of classified ads? Some highlights from this week's issue:

1. "Contrary to the 1/25 episode of 'Lost', baptism alone does not guarantee that you will go to heaven. It only changes you from a dry sinner to a wet one."
2. "The Keyboard is a Harsh Mistress - It kinda makes me cry...but I'm trying. I played for over an hour yesterday. Voluntarily. I don't think I've ever done that in my life. My poor mother's white hair came from trying to get me to practice when I was a kid. It's cold comfort. But things are looking better."
3. "HEY JANE! EAT ME!"
4. "Transvanguardia, the High Holy Empire of Mind Over Matter is expanding its grasp in March. During March 2006 we shall absorb the city of Paris into the empire - by Imperial Command of the GrandArchDuke Conrad I. So it is written, so it shall be."
5. "BUSH SUCKS"
6. " Wake Up, America! If the Iranians get the bomb, you won't have to worry about the bird flu. Cheddar Cheetah"
7. "If I learned anything from being falsely accused and attacked, I learned that Valentine’s Day is a restricted holiday. As always, still seeking truly positive, friendly establishments where love does come to everyone every day."
8. "Hey I was just trying to get back at my exgirl through our favorite Ray Charles song. She called and we're back... but you all keep having fun with that."
9. "Graaah! grrrrr! Mmrh? Graaahh, graaah. BRAINS!"
10. "Finally, a breakfast burrito."
    

Looking for a Job

So now that I'm back in the States (and staying for awhile) I've begun a search for a job. I'm employing a two-pronged approach: 1. - applying for jobs myself & using my underdeveloped (read: nonexistant) network of friends and acquaintences, and 2. - using headhunters. At this point, I'm pretty much at the mercy of a headhunter to find me a job.

The main one I'm using (so far) seems to be decent, but we'll see. Her first questions to me: "Are you interested in Weber Shandwick?" (Me: "Um, that would be a resounding No.") Her next question: "How about Edelman?" (Me: "Uhh, that would be a negative. But thanks.")

I'm not that picky, but I'd at least like to work for an agency that doesn't make me throw up - just a little bit - in my mouth.

Fascinating Interactions with the Locals (Pt. I)

Background: Go to the local Chinese restaurant to pick up my take-away order. Since all I have top do is run in, get the order, and run out, I decide to park in the "No Parking" zone in front of the building. And sure enough, I'm back out and to the car in about 60 seconds. Opening my car door as I see a woman in her minivan slowly rounding the corner in front of the "No Parking" zone, rolling down her window.

• Crazy Woman: "Ya know, you're in a no parking zone.*"
• Me: "Yes, well, I was just running in to pick up an order."
• Crazy Woman (who has at this point stopped her car to continue the conversation): "Good thing the cops didn't catch you."
• Me: "Well, I was just in-and-out."
• Crazy Woman: "Well the cops don't care about that."
• Me (very loudly): "WELL WHY DO YOU CARE????"
• Crazy Woman, taken aback that someone might actually challenge her holier-tha-thou comments, rolls up her window and continues on.

I'm thinking, Is it that important to you, Crazy Lady, to stop your car, roll down your window on a freezing cold Chicago night to tell me this?" Unless of course you're pissed that I took the same space that you wanted so that your fat ass didn't have to walk all the way across the crowded parking lot to pick up your order of sweet and sour pork.

People is just crazy.

* Note that the word "zone" was pronounced in that deep upper-midwest accent made popular in the movie "Fargo."