The Other White Meat

A client of mine had her baby on Saturday, about 2 weeks early. Not knowing this, a co-worker and I called her office this morning to talk about a project. She answered the phone and we talked briefly. As we were saying our goodbyes and good lucks, my co-worker says to her, "Enjoy your baby!"

Enjoy your baby?? What, is she serving it for dinner? Do people say that, or am I the only one who thinks that's weird?

Nice to Meet You Too

My weekend can pretty much be summed up by the following incident that happened to me on Friday night...

Richard and I were hanging out with Fred & Laura and their friends at Danny's in Bucktown. I went to the bar to get us some drinks, and stood next to two women sitting at the bar. One of them looks at me - from head to toe - then turns to her friend and says:

"There are no cute guys here."

Happy Australia Day

You haven't lived until you've celebrated Australia Day, preferably while in Australia (wow, how different my life was a year ago).

My Richard has been celebrating all week and you can check out some of his thoughts on his home here.

In honor, my list of 10 favorite things about Australia:

1. Richard (duh)
2. Vegemite
3. Beaches - specifically Bondi, Manly and Maroubra
4. The Yarra River around Melbourne & the Royal Botanic Gardens
5. Cadbury Malt Crisps*
6. Kath and Kim
7. Sydney Harbour - esp. the Bridge and the Opera House
8. Crowded House
9. Chapel Street, Melbourne
10. Mardi Gras

Aussie! Aussie! Oy! Oy!

* Technically these might by British, but I don't think I found any at my local Tesco or Sainsbury's, so I'm sticking with it.

It's Like High School All Over Again...

I've been de-blogrolled and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I'd been on this person's blogroll for a few months and then suddenly I was gone. No warning, no explanation. I mean, damn!

I can't truly take it personally, after all, since the person doesn't really know me and only reads the blogger side of me. And since I chose not to use my blog to discuss the more intimate details of my life, this blog is just a tiny reflection of who I really am.

Still, I can't help but be a little hurt by it.

I guess it is a bit karmic: I've removed people from my blogroll before and will surely do it again - but usually because they've stopped posting or post so infrequently that I've lost interest. But this is different; this is more of a: "I once blogrolled you because I found you interesting and now I don't."

I think we'd all agree that the cardinal rule of blogging is that you have to do it for yourself and nobody else.* I started my first blog because I wanted to force myself to write daily. My second one started because I was moving across country and wanted my friends and family to be able to keep track of me (since I'm horrible at keeping in touch) - it was easier for me to write a post than write multiple emails or pick up the phone.

But if you blog to gain approval or acceptance from others, it's a losing game. I've met (both physically and virtually) some great people through this blog but that's the icing on the cake - it can't be the sole reason for doing it.

So then why do I feel rejected?

[I would love to have pants like that, btw.]

* The other cardinal rule, of course, is never to post photos of your genitals. I learned that the hard way.**

** Just kidding. I've never taken photos of my genitals and posted them to my blog. At least that you know about.

Now We're Getting Somewhere

Long before I realized my love for all things Australian*, I was a big fan of Crowded House. I think Neil Finn is one of the most talented and underrated singer-songwriters alive, and I've harbored a crush on him for years (when I was in New Zealand in 2005 I even thought about trying to stalk/track him down at his home, but common sense and lack of time dictated that I not).

Most people (especially here in America) only know the band for their songs "Don't Dream It's Over" and "Something So Strong" - both fine songs from the late 80s, but hardly representative of their true depth, talent and nuance (their last album, 1993's "Together Alone" is one of my Top 10 albums of all time/desert island discs and I made a pilgrimage to Karekare Beach, the place they recorded it, detailed here).

I actually wore black the day I heard they'd broke up back in 1995. A dark, dark day. But then Richard sent me an email with some news that the band is reuniting for a tour and a new album.

I'm so PROPER! at the moment I can barely concentrate on work. When they stop in Chicago for their tour, I think we'll organize an Australia/New Zealand party (you're all invited) and invite them over. They'll totally do it, too. Totally.

* Technically Neil is a Kiwi, not an Aussie (which actually makes him even more appealing) but anyway.

Real Housewives of Orange County

I don't have cable, so I don't watch the Bravo Network.

Therefore, I've never seen this show "The Real Housewives of Orange County" but I have seen banner ads for it on many many websites, and seen the above photo in lots of different places.

I don't care to watch the show but I do have one question: Are these "housewives" trannies?

Because from where I'm sitting, they look like trannies. Seriously, take a closer look. Except maybe for the one in the middle, they're all men.

Don't get me wrong - I have absolutely nothing against transsexuals -- in fact, if the people in this photo above were men at an earlier point in their lives, by all accounts this would be a much more interesting show and I might even be persuaded to watch it.

I'm just sayin'. If anyone out there has seen the show, let me know.

BearsWin

Bring on the velveeta and salsa dip, bitches!

Because I'm a Chicagoan and I fear retribution if I don't, I feel compelled to use this forum to congratulate the Chicago Bears on their NFC title (thanks Niner and Ryan for pointing that out).

Last time the Bears were in the Super Bowl, I got really drunk watching the game in a friend's attic bedroom and had to go to school the next day with a wicked hangover. I believe it was the first time I'd had a hangover in my life (and yes of course I was not even close to legal age so mom & dad if you're reading this -- sorry). This time I hope to be much more responsible.

I am sure a new version of the Super Bowl Shuffle is being choreographed as I write (you can see the original lyrics over at 5 of 9er), but personally I'll be creating some sort of Shuffle/Little Superstar hybrid dance.

The only bad thing is this: I saw on the news an interview with a family from New Orleans who came up for the game. They interviewed the mom (before the game) and she said something like: "We are so excited about this. This game means so much to the city and people of New Orleans. It has been such a tough few years for us so we're really hoping for the best."

I mean DAMN lady!! Like Chicago needs that kind of talk on our collective conscience! So I will end this post by saying:
GO BEARS!
and SORRY NEW ORLEANS WE LOVE YOU ANYWAY!

The Short Stick

Shorties get no respect.

This study points out that vertically-challenged people tend to make less money and get promoted less frequently than taller counterparts (this does not surprise me because taller people just tend to get noticed more than us shorties). The study says part of the reason is because taller people give off a perception of being more confident and self-assured. Whatever!

The study also goes on to say that growing up, short kids are more self-conscious about their height and because of this, tend to be shy and not participate in activities (like sports) that help them learn social and competitive skills. I call bullshit on this one - most short people I know are very self-assured and have excellent social skills because they were short growing up. And I know this is a stereotype, but in general, most short people I know are very interesting and fun to hang around with because we've learned to harness our intellect and (ahem) charm to compensate for our height.

Don't get me wrong - some of my favorite people are tall. But let's face it, short people rule!

Golden Globes Gripe

The last few days I've been reading some blogs about the Golden Globes, and they all basically boil down to this: "I watched the Golden Globes and they sucked."

To those people I have only one question: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? It's a god-damned awards show - nominees are called out, a winner is chosen, and then the winner walks onto the stage and gives a speech. That's pretty much it. What, were you expecting circus animals and Rappin' Granny? Why do you act as though you're surprised by this?

People who watch the Golden Globes (or the Emmys or the Oscars) do so because they like awards shows (I count myself in that group). But some are just too embarrassed to admit they like watching that stuff and do the whole "I'm too cool for this so I'm just going to write about how much they sucked." Get over it. You watched because you wanted to and guess what? You'll watch next year too. So stop bitching about it because it is so cliche.

There, I feel much better now.

Like I Needed Anything Else to Worry About...

Today scientists are changing the Doomsday Clock for the first time in four years to reflect even more threats to our existence -- the threat of nuclear holocaust is too old school; the Doomsday scientists are now adding "the threat of global warming, the genetic engineering of diseases and other threats to global survival" to the mix that can nudge the minute hand closer to midnight, the symbolic apocalypse and end of the world.

Since 2002 the clock has been set to seven minutes to midnight, but now it's 11:55 pm, "reflecting the most perilous period since Hiroshima and Nagasaki" according to a press release.

Fucking sweet. I'm pulling my 401k and Richard and I are moving to Tahiti. Anyone else?

Ring This, Bitches

Do you know what/who "Dale Caliente" is?
Or "HT Jennifer"?
How about "Daddy Yankee Feat. Nicky Jam"
Or "Te Quise Olvidar"?

Me neither. But apparently the ass-munches who broke into my car on Christmas Eve and stole my phone do, as they downloaded these and about $73 worth of other ring tones and images during the wee hours of Dec. 24th.

Seriously. I got my wireless bill today and there were $73 dollars worth of ring tones. All downloaded in a 30-minute period.

At least Cingular was kind enough to erase them from my bill (note: this is probably the first and last time a kind word about Cingular will ever be published from this blog).

If anybody in Chicago recently bought a razor phone off of Craigslist and it comes with a "Me Quedan Todas" ring tone (whatever the fuck that is), let me know.

In other news: Good luck today Richard!

2007: More Vodka Tonics

The people have spoken.

Vodka Tonic Haiku:

O clear sweet nectar
Grey Goose and Absolut yum!
Waitress one more please

Feel free to write your own VT haiku.
A new CRQOW will appear shortly.

The Liar's Club

As if you need yet another crappy blog to read, please head over to The Liar's Club, a group blog run by Niner, Classy, Dr. Ken and me. Trust me, it is gonna rock your lame ass.*

The first post serves as a little introduction and tells you 20 things you didn't but probably should know about the LC.

* Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday.

Should I Be Worried?

Strange gassy smell grips Manhattan...
Dozens of birds found dead in Austin, shutting down 10 blocks...
Reports of UFOs in Chicago...

You Decide.

Happy 30th

Click here and wish the green guy on the left a Happy 30th Birthday. He'll need all the good wishes he can get.

What I Learned Over My Christmas Vacation

1. There are some family holiday situations that not even alcohol can make better.
2. It is possible to eat your own body weight in sugar.
3. It only takes about 3 days to forget what gifts you got for Christmas.
4. I do enjoy a drink called the “Bahama Mama” especially when an extra shot of vodka is added.
5. You can get 12 hours of sleep and still be tired enough to take an afternoon nap.
6. I really really miss HGTV and TLC.
7. The mere act of crossing the state line into Indiana can make you 10 pounds fatter.
8. I won’t implode if I spend more that 24 hours away from my computer.
9. While historically considered really lame songs, Madonna’s “Holiday” and Kool & the Gang’s “She’s Fresh” aren’t so bad after a few glasses of champagne.
   

Push the Button*

Yep, it was as cold as it looks.

Because I wanted to kick-start the New Year, at noon today Richard and I went down to the annual Polar Plunge event at North Ave. Beach.

I’m not normally one of these people that thinks it’s fun or cool to go for a swim in Lake Michigan on New Years, but this year it felt like something I really wanted to do. I don’t typically make resolutions but over the past week as I would reflect on 2007 there are some specific things I want to accomplish, all of which will take Strength, Courage, Commitment and Focus. For me to do a Polar Plunge would require at least three of those things, so I thought it would be a good symbolic test.

Plus, it helped having Richard there to encourage me. As soon as I even brought up the idea he was practically running for the car keys and the towel. Unfortunately for him (ahem), he had a really bad cold and decided to cheer from the beach instead of taking the dip with me.

When we arrived at North Ave., the parking lot was already full and people were gathering on the beach. I didn’t quite know what to expect, but it was like we crashed a big beach party. There were probably 250 people there (I think about 100 of whom participated) and everyone was in a festive mood. Or still drunk from the night before.

WTF am I doing here???
[Have I mentioned how much I love my hat? I thought about wearing it into the water.]

Ten minutes before noon I took off my shoes to get my feet accustomed to the cold. Standing barefoot on cold sand in the middle of winter feels exactly as you imagine it would - fucking cold. A few minutes later I stripped off my pants and soon I was shivering from both the cold and adrenaline. Up to this point I really wasn’t sure if I could do it, but I pretty much figured that now there was no turning back.

Definitely no turning back now...

At about noon there was a big frenzy and everyone started rushing into the water, and I followed suit. It’s best not to think too much about what you're doing and allow yourself to go with the flow. Some people were immediately diving under, others were making their way steadily towards deeper water (I was one of those), others were running in and immediately running back out. Most everyone, however, was in and out of the water in seconds. I tried a few times to just fall into waves and get it over with, but I was so cold I kept losing my breath. I feared a complete loss of bowel control was imminent and unavoidable. I wanted to get back to shore.

As I watched more and more people do their business and head back to the beach I thought about just turning around and calling it a day. I had gone in up to my waist and thought, well, this is the best I’m going to do. But as I looked to shore I saw Richard there cheering me on and I knew that I would be really disappointed if I didn’t go all the way under since that’s what I came out here to do. It felt like one of those now-or-never moments and fuck it, you only live once (and I don’t plan on doing this again next year).

I wish I could say that as my body went completely under the surface I felt a tremendous sense of achievement, or that I felt “reborn” or some bullshit like that, but it happened so fast that there was no time to contemplate any great symbolic accomplishment. The next thing I knew I was running back to the shore, the feeling in my feet and toes completely missing. On the plus side, as far as I could tell my bowels had behaved themselves nicely (although my testicles were somewhere near my sternum).

Look closely at that thing going under water on the far left.
That would be me.

And that boys and girls, was that. Over the next few minutes Richard helped me get dressed back into warm clothing and feeling began returning to my extremities. I thanked him because if he wasn’t there I would have never done it, and he thanked me for the good show. For the rest of the day I felt high and it was a good way to start the year, I figure.

Happy 2007 Bitches!

* "Push the Button" is a kickass song from the Sugababes, that also may be my unofficial theme song for the year. If you don't know this song, you should.