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Open Letters
Dear Man Riding the Blue Line During Rush Hour with Four Giant Suitcases Taking Up Four Seats: The rest of us have to stand because you're too fucking cheap to get a cab from the airport into the city? Fuck you, asshole.
Dear Old Guy Sitting Next To One of the Only Electrical Outlets in Starbucks (That I'd Really Like to Use): I can imagine that being an old retiree can probably be boring, and that you need to get out every once in awhile. But when you come in here and do nothing but read the paper really slowly drinking fucking McDonald's coffee that you didn't even buy here at Starbucks, you need to go.
Dear Elliot Spitzer: Damn, man. We are all human. But why, why you of all people? I was already ready to vote for you for President in 2016.
Dear Beth from MTV's Real World: I caught a portion of "Real World/Road Rules Extreme Gauntlet This Time It's Personal Challenge" or whatever the hell the show is while at the gym. Two questions came to mind immediately: 1) They're still making this show? 2) They're still making Real World and Road Rules? Anyway, more shocking than that realization is that I saw you on it. Seriously? You seriously have nothing better to do with your life? Remember that time sophomore year in college when you went to that house party off campus and there was that sad old girl there who was, like, 24 and an alumni from the school and hitting on all your guy friends and you thought she was so pathetic for being that old and desperate? Yeeaahhh. Well, that's you. Except you're not 24; you're like 40. Time to move on.
Dear Old Man Sitting in Sauna at Gym: Your knowledge of early Scandinavian settlers to Michigan's Upper Peninsula seems extensive and impressive. Really. But why the hell would you think that I would be interested in hearing about it? This is a sauna, not a dinner table. I'm trying to relax, dammit.
Dear Pandora Radio: We've had a good relationship these past two years. But you're getting lazy on me. Stop playing songs I've already given the thumbs up to. Isn't the point that you're supposed to introduce me to new music? Quit slacking and get algorithym-ing again.
Dear Dan, My Lab Partner: Swear to God, you need to shut up or I will kill you.
18 comments:
Your letter to Beth makes me want to write her a letter as well, so I'll just do that here:
Dear Beth,
Please feel free to retire not only yourself from MTV shows but more importantly, that horrid shade of pale frost lipstick that they stopped making in 1987.
Jules
House of Jules
I can't figure out which I hate more, people clipping their toe nails in the sauna, or telling me how beautiful the property in Costa Rica they just bought is. Shut the fuck up and let a brother sweat in peace!
wait a minute. people still watch mtv?
and justin: 'rumors'? no? seriously one of the best albums of all time.
This whole Elliot Spitzer thing is fascinating/polarizing for the nation for a lot of reasons, but it's clear that it's a very different story for people living/voting in New York.
It also I think points out a lot of the differences between your fine state and the rest of the country. I mean, speaking as a Floridian, I sorta wish think things would be a lot better overall for our if our governor got himself a little strange.
Justin:: Glad someone else is getting fed up with Pandora. But you should probably know that the Mac is one of my all-time favorites.
Jules:: Let's start a club.
KathyG:: I knew you would appreciate! I got a whole slew of 'em in draft form, so stay tuned.
Mr.Poopie:: I know, right? Why do people think talking in the sauna is acceptable?
D:: Apparently yes.
Hex:: I'm not a NYer, but I've followed Spitzer's careeer for a few years now. I really did think he was presidential material.
Well, he's kinda been a fucktard of a Governor. If he had come through with his campaign promises and kept his 69% (HA!) majority, he probably could have survived this thing.
And you've added another reason for me to never visit a sauna. Was this this at Steamworks? ;-D
Finally, I would like for you to expand upon your letter to Dan. Your "Dear Asshole" letters involving educational partners are always the best.
I think Old Sauna Man was speaking in metaphors and hitting on you.
FitnessNerd:: Nope, never been to Steamworks. As far as Dan goes, he just talks all the time about stupid shit that has nothing to do with anything involving the class.
Classy:: Ewwwww!
You forgot a couple:
Dear Oprah: Die
Dear person that parked too close to my truck even though I parked in the very last stall 100 yards away from the store entrance and put a dent in my door because you don't know how to open yours:
The key marks on your door and the engraving on your roof is a warning. The tire marks you see on your bumper rolling onto your hood is me making good on my warning.
Maybe you Pandora peeps should move over to Last.fm and start anew.
If you do sign up, let me know and I'll add you to my buddy list.
And no, I don't work for Last.fm.
How do you know the old fart wasn't drinking Starbuck's coffee in a McDonald's cup? Maybe he brought the cup in to recycle. Now don't you feel like a schmuck??
I few months ago I had a conversation with my 17 year old daughter. It was about MTV. I couldn't believe that all they play is "reality" crap. She thought I was crazy when I told her that they used to play music videos 24/7. WTF happend to Music television?
Has it been since September or October?
Dear [Cherry],
It's these letters that prove just how awesome and hilarious you are.
dear cherry,
your readers have 17 year old daughters. then i remembered you could (in a sense) have a 17 year old daughter. you are old.
in christ,
mr. shain
p.s. steamworks has a picture of you on their website.
you, are hilarious. i can't believe i just stumbled on your blog today.
oh well. better late than never. or something. happy weekend!
xo, bb
i get a sense that this was pretty cathartic to write, and that i should follow suit sometime soon to save my own sanity as well.
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