Friday, June 06, 2008

F*ck Off Fridays

So many bloggers seem to have themed days of the week - Julie Gong has her award-winning "Just Nonsense" Fridays; Bee-Spot has her sometimes-impressive "Zach Harrison Memorial Music Mondays"; Fitness Nerd is bringing back his "Tuesday Music Club"; Catherinette has her always-delightful "Just the Tip Tuesdays"; House of Jules has her "Putting the Hump in Humpday" feature, and of course M5K has several theme days throughout the week.

I want a piece of this action (dammit!) so I'm starting* Fuck Off Fridays. Today's FOF is dedicated to asshole recreational athletes, specifically two breeds:

  1. Recumbent Bicycle Riders - these people are assholes, aren't they? Nothing screams "Look at me, I crave attention!" more than these fuckers. What, a normal bike isn't good enough for you? Case in point: just look at this guy in the photo - total douchenugget. You know he also goes around bringing wine from his own cellar to restaraunts, beats his dog and eats only macrobiotic food.

  2. Joggers Who Run Down Michigan Ave. - you can substitute Michigan Ave for any major touristy street in your city (Oxford, Broadway, Pike, Market, Rodeo, Newbury, etc.). These people are also assholes in need of attention. Bonus douchebag points if they're guys running with their shirts off. Newsflash moron: there's a running path along the lake about three blocks down that you should check out that isn't filled with people shopping. Another newsflash: nobody gives a shit or is impressed that you're out running in downtown Chicago. Next time I'm heading to the Apple Store or Water Tower Place and see you in my way I am totally tripping you, or throwing my big-ass tin of Garrett's Popcorn in your face.

Honorable mention goes to the slow-ass dipshit who swims in the fast lane, ruining my workout once again. Yeah, I'm talking to you, fucker.

* And by "starting" I off course mean I will likely do this once and never speak of it again.


FitnessNerd said...

Oh god, does this mean I have to do "Tuesday Morning Music Club" again? The pressure...the pressure.

However, you do need to keep this [Cherry], because I love when you get into rant mode. Plus, I love the new vocabulary words like "douchenugget"

I agree with you all the way, unless the runner is impossibly hot and shirtless, and then I'm okay with him being a smug asshole. Shameless...yes

mysterygirl! said...

Dude, don't waste the Garrett's popcorn on douchenuggets. Just trip them. Or release a bag of marbles in their path, like in a cartoon.

fort knocks said...

Dude, fuck those bikes - but in the same vein, fuck guys on unicycles. Seriously, cheesedick, take off the propeller-hat and go play hacky-sack with the rest of your stoner friends.

Spammon said...

I'm digging FOF already. I was running on a trail once and about got creamed by a recumbent bike rider.

I personally can't stand the weight monkey at the gym thinking he is bad ass taking up the entire mirror and doing 1000 curls with only 1 inch of travel as fast as possible. Nice job dweeb, no go learn how to lift weights.

Mr. Shain said...

i think the LA equivalent would be Sunset Blvd, where i once caught (of all people) monica lewinski running.

Rachel said...

I'm convinced that a busy-street-riding biker is absolutely going to be the death of me.

surviving myself said...

I am with you on both, but more so for #2. I live in NY and the sidewalks are ALWAYS fucking crowded, and somehow, somehow, there is always someone who is jogging on them.

Next one I see I'm gonna clothesline, and I'll tell him it was for you.

classyandfancy said...

What about those hipster bicyclists that ride bikes that are two stories tall? The get a big FOF from me!

I would suggest that you throw an American Girl doll at the jogger, but considering you just bought that matching outfit I doubt that will happen.

House of Jules said...

FOF is just one of the reasons why it's inevitable that we're STBBFFs. I can only assume that you're 2-fingered "fuck you" motion is the symbol for this new blog feature, and I love it.

You have to keep this up, even if it's monthly, like my Humpday posts. Here's my Bela Karoli impression to inspire you: YOU CAN DO EET!

Chardsy said...

Who in the hell feels the need to ride a recumbent bike?? I mean, how fucking lazy do you have to be to ride one of those things? You might as well sit in a red wagon and have someone pull you around. Lazy piss ants.

FitnessNerd said...

ClassyandFancy: I don't know you, but I love you for bringing up the stepford wives of dolls! :)

kathyg said...

douchenugget is my new summer word.

FitnessNerd said...

Not to be a comment hog, but I was out biking on the Indy trail system today, and I saw at least 20 recumbent bikes. So, I had [Cherry] on my mind the whole time. There was one dude that had a bike that looked like a converted 10 speed. His legs were so far in the air, you'd think he was ready for the Gynecologist to come and give him a pap smear.

I would also like to add bicycles built for two to the list. I fuckin hate those, "douchenuggets"

The [Cherry] Ride said...

FitnessNerd:: Uh, yeah, you need to it again - you were the one that suggested it on your blog in the first place!

MysteryGirl:: Come back to us, we miss you!

Fort Knocks:: Yeah, I'm not sure what's up with the unis either, but at least they have the decency to not take up space along the bike path.

Spammon:: I totally agree with you about the lifters at the gym.

Mr. Shain:: Was she running to the Dunkin Donuts?

Rachel:: Funny, as a sometimes busy street-riding cyclist, I'm afraid a pedestrian is going to be the death of me too!

Surviving Myself:: Get it on video, please.

Classy:: Totally right on both counts. I look totally fierce in Ruthie's Play Outfit (look it up, y'all)

Jules:: As always, your support is touching. I may look to you for inspiration when my discipline is waining.

Chardsy:: Not only that, but those bikes are expensive too. Total bullshit.

FitnessNerd:: Yes, Classy is awesome and has her finger on the pulse, yo!

KathyG:: Pass it around!

Fitnessnerd:: Yay for multiple comments!

I'm Frank said...

I prefer to think of myself as a shirtless douchebag when I go running, but I HATE running down crowded streets. Sure, I get to show off my ribs to girls and whatnot, but there are always people clogging the sidewalk and it becomes an obstacle course with weaving in between people and jumping over dogs and children. It's just a hassle, really.

Also, those "sit down" bikes are the worst creation mankind has put forth yet, with the possible exception of Communism.

Jake Titus said...

Thats like putting pedals on a Barka Lounger. What a waste of perfectly good reclining!

Mr. Shain said...

we don't have dunkin donuts in socal. talk about sadcakes.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I thought for sure I commented on this thing. I said something about those big tall bikes and how dumb they are, and those bikes where you swerve around to make them go, which are equally dumb. You might even say Ricky Retardo, if you wanted to get all 3rd grade on that ass.

Michael5000 said...

Did you see any of the Freakishly Tall Stupid Custom Bikes when you were here in PDX? Stupidest trend I've seen in literally weeks.

p.s. Thanks for the "of course." Makes me sound known.