Thursday, June 26, 2008

F*ck Off Fridays: Summer School Chemistry Cast of Characters


Remember that movie Summer School with Kirstie Alley and Mark Harmon and the extremely underrated Kelly Jo Minter (the working man’s Rae Dawn Chong?)? If you need a refresher, check out a little snippet here. That movie was awesome for several reasons, one of which was that the material (summer school) is rife with possibilities. Summer school is for losers, isn’t it?

Seriously: growing up, the only people who went to summer school were the idiots who couldn’t get their shit together during the first 9 months of the school year and had to re-take courses. Or the total geeks who took advanced physics or robotics in summer school in order to score better on their SATs and get into MIT.

Either way, it was for losers.

College Summer School – or, to be more specific: Chicago City College Summer School – is no different. If you’ve read this blog over the last year, you’ve witnessed me complain about the
people in my Biology course, and this time around my Chemistry class is no different. There are some real winners here (Ed. note: I include myself in this, btw.); about 15 of us suffering through this miserable class.

Yesterday morning, right before we took (yet another) a quiz, three people in my class started a shouting at each other like they were getting ready to Throw Down. WTF, people. Seriously, I thought for a moment I was in the movie Dangerous Minds of something. I'm thinking of bringing popcorn to class starting next week.

I know the names of about four classmates, and the others I don’t really care enough to learn. Instead these others have nicknames, which they've fucking earned. These people include:
  1. Fat Tub of Shit Who Makes Snorting Noises When He Breathes guy
  2. Shut-The-Fuck-Up-With-Your-Stupid-Questions girl, aka Read the Fucking Book Already girl
  3. Pseudo Goth boy (who sits behind Fat Tub of Shit in order to sleep during the second half of class)
  4. If-You-Ask-One-More-Time “Is This Going To Be On The Exam?” I-Will-Kick-Your-Ass guy
  5. Always-In-The-Corner-In-Fetal-Position-Sucking-His-Thumb-Crying guy *
  6. Asian-Who-I-Don’t-Think-Speaks-English-Yet-Still-Gets-an-A-On-Every-Fucking Quiz boy **
  7. How Hard Is It to Show Up On Time girl (seriously, she strolls in with her Dunkin Donuts coffee and donut every class period 25 minutes late)
  8. How Hard is It to Remember to Turn Off Your Fucking Cell Phone guy (seriously, every class he cell phone goes off and it takes him about 30 seconds to find the phone in his book bag to shut it off)
  9. I’ve-Broken-a-Glass-Test-Tube-In-Every-Lab girl
  10. Guy Who Hasn't Yet Bought the Book But Really Needs to Because You're a Fucking Moron With All Your Questions
Thanks to all of you, who each in your own special way has made my Summer School experience all the more soul-crushing. Happy Fuck Off Friday to you!

* I-T-C-I-F-P-S-H-T guy may or may not be me

** Yeah, this one is a little racist perhaps. Sue me.

21 comments:

Astrogirl426 said...

I think it says something about me that just reading that list, I:

A. Could picture every single one of those people and their annoying-ass behaviors
B. Got almost as annoyed at them as I imagine you are

And the thing I think it says is, we are both seriously sick fuckers. I'm thinking, on the last day of school you need to pull a serious Planes, Trains and Automobiles moment on those losers (you know, the scene at the rental car counter where Steve Martin tells them he wants "a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"). C'mon, you know you want to...

kathyg said...

is #1 single? he kind of sounds hot.

House of Jules said...

The end of that first sentence took SUCH an unexpected turn (I never realized someone could be described as, <<"The working man's Rae Dawn Chong">> and I would know exactly what that meant) that I laughed so hard, I actually choked.
Are you trying to kill me with your biting wit?
Jules
House of Jules

Ellen Aim said...

I feel your pain. I took summer school English II in high school so I could graduate early and get the fuck out. A guy in there raised his hand and (seriously) asked, "So what IS a noun?" I think he was 18. And if I hadn't been there to witness it, I wouldn't have believed the story.

I feel a little bad making fun of him, since at least he was willing to ask.

Ok, that's a lie. I don't feel bad one fucking bit.

Mr. Shain said...

regarding #1, i'm not in your class asshole.

Julie_Gong said...

i can't wait until i get to make up names for people in class. this might be the only reason i'm looking forward to grad school.

Spammon said...

Damnit. I went to summer school in Jr. High. I recall one person there that made me hate it with a passion:

Mexican girl who told her boyfriend 'Spider' and his pre-pube mustache that I called her a bitch.

That was soon followed by:

Pre-pube who slapped me in the face and I returned with a right hook and dropped his ass to the ground only to be cracked in the back of the head by pre-pube homie.

As you can see, it was a wonderful experience.

Rachel said...

I always thought the same thing about summer school, but now, my family's always all, "Why don't you go to summer school to get some classes out of the way?" and I'm all, "Um...I do not have the motivation for that..."

I'm Frank said...

You didn't have the "shows-up-drunk-and-belligerent- every-day-guy?"*




*May or may not have been me in high school.

ReckenRoll said...

In my GMAT class on Tuesday I unknowingly sat next to Farts in Class Guy.

RUDE.

radioactive girl said...

My first year of college I dated more guys than earned credits for classes. I worked my butt off the following summer to get myself back on track. In one class, I had this guy who used to spit into a cup because he was chewing tobacco. Fine, whatever, except the cup he spit into? Clear. And right in front of me. I learned nothing in that class except how to keep myself from puking.

Big Daddy said...

I had to take US History in High School during summer school because I kept putting it off but had to take it to graduate.

I was the only senior in a class full of fresh and soph retards.

Longest 11 weeks of my life.

JUSTIN said...

Wow - I think just had a flashback to my brief academic career at College of Lake Count/CLC (i.e. College of Last Chance). So many fucking idiots I'm amazed my head didn't explode.

Chardsy said...

You could have been more racist with the Asian guy and called him a Chinaman.

Michael5000 said...

OK, this has nothing to do with Fuck Off Friday, but -- last night, Mrs.5000 said something about "Chartres Cathedral," and all I could think was, "yeah, sharting in a Cathedral, that would really ruin the mood...."

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