Satan List

6 Things I would do today if I was a Satanist:

1. eat a baby while bathing in goat blood. Scratch that - eat two (screw Atkins!)
2. make out in a back alley with Celine Dion.
3. get pregnant with Celine Dion's baby
4. change my name to "Eternal Purveyor of Cataclysmic Doom and Nightmarish Darkness" (or if already taken, maybe "Cecil").
5. get hair done, wear something pretty, watch a few episodes of "Two and a Half Men" on Tivo while waiting for the Rapture of the Beast (which should happen at about 9:22 pm central time)
6. send an e-card to all my favorite Satan's Minions.