Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A Cherry Ride Thank-You

I’d like to thank the following folks for helping to make my week o-so fantastic so far:

Thank-you Fat Balding Guy in the Gym Locker Room for not even attempting not to stare at me while I undressed yesterday, and forcing me to actually contemplate which would be less awkward for me – turning my back to you so you could see my ass, or just proceeding with the full frontal as I put my gym shorts on. Thanks for giving me another reason for not going to the gym.

Thank-you Singer and Producer of the Dance Club Version of 4-Non Blondes’ “What’s Up?” for deciding to take what is perhaps the shittiest song ever recorded, and thinking it worthy of some shitty dance beat and electronic drum machine (which was “fresh” about 14 years ago, btw – you guys are so cutting edge). Because there’s nothing I like better when I’m stretching and doing sit-ups than hearing some fucktard whose voice is worse than Linda Perry’s (the original singer) – which, btw, I didn’t think was possible – screech “And I said, Hey Yea Yea Yeah Yeah, Hey Yeah Yeah. I said Hey, What’s Going On?” over and over and over and over again. Extra Points: for deciding your fucking song was worthy of 11 minutes of air time. If I ever meet either of you on the street I swear to God I will punch you in the face.

Thank-you FAA for making me check my carry-on bag because it contained a 3.2 oz jar of hair styling crème and for inspiring the following conversation between me and an Airport Screener at National:
AS: “Sir, you cannot bring this item in your carry-on bag because it is more than 3 ounces.”
Me: “But why?”
AS: “Because it is larger than 3 ounces.”
Me: “Yes, but why? Why am I not allowed to bring my hair crème onto the plane with me?” *
AS: “You can bring it on, but it must go in your checked luggage. All liquids and gels over 3 ounces are not permitted.”
Me: “Yeah, but this isn’t a gel or a liquid. What harm could this possibly do?”
AS: “Sir, we are in a state of heightened security and there are restrictions against certain items including this here jar.”
Me: “Fine, whatever. I would just love it if for once someone could tell me exactly how my hair crème is a threat to national security, but whatever.”

Extra Points: for then physically escorting me and my bag back through security (because I’m obviously not smart enough to figure it out myself). Extra, Extra Points: for not catching my hair crème in Chicago. Glad you guys are both consistent and vigilant in keeping our skies safe from the threat of hair pomades and styling products.

Please keep in mind that I really do know why, but because I’d already missed my flight and was feeling pissed off at the world, I decided to be a prick.


Todd said...

I can totally relate to #1. My solution? Keep a blaster of canned air in your gym bag. Next time he bird dogs you, pull it out and spray him in the face.

Matt said...

#1 is definatly creepy. Had the same from some unnaturally hairy guy who was just wandering around the locker room, butt naked, watching everyone. Not nice.

Jenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenny said...

I can't believe the ridiculous stuff that does or does not make it on board with us in the friendly skies. Last time I flew, I had to throw away my chapstick, but I got to keep my CERADED KNIFE with me.

Those security guys are definitely of the highest caliber.

classyandfancy said...

On Friday while packing I was actually trying to figure out how much facial scrub was still left in my 4oz container. I opted to pack it in my checked bags because I became infamous in October 2006 for inflicting major damage on flight attendants with said scrub. Next time refill my drink, okay ladies.

Prashant Sridharan said...

If you were to inject your pomade with, say, the explosive shit that Wesley Snipes used in that movie, it would be dangerous. It's not that the TSA are clueless, it's that they're huge movie fans.

Prashant Sridharan said...

If you were to inject your pomade with, say, the explosive shit that Wesley Snipes used in that movie, it would be dangerous. It's not that the TSA are clueless, it's that they're huge movie fans.

Julie_Gong said...

If hair pomade is totally a threat to national security what are you talking about. Seriously I would have asked that you be removed from my flight. Geez...

Dop said...

On my flight from DC, I was not allowed to bring my St. Ives Facial Scrub because it was in a 4.0oz container. What they failed to understand is that the container was half empty, making it only 2.0oz. All they could see was what was written on the container, and what their rules were. Chicago allowed me to take 2.8oz of it to DC, but DC was not about to let 2.0oz escape.

KateR said...

If it's any consolation whatsoever (which it isn't for me - just reinforces the stupidity of it all) I got chatting with a pilot last flight I took who had just been forced to throw away his travel size toothpaste tube with maybe a quarter of the tube of toothpaste remaining. Like he said, he's going to inflict so much more damage with that amount of toothpaste than say if he got it into his mind to just lose control of the plane which he could do since he was in charge. Kind of a creepy conversation to have with a pilot (he wasn't flying my plane thank god! - steer clear of BMI) but you have to commend his logic.

AdventureBabe75 said...

The real threat of hair products on the air plane, may be that you will look better than the flight attendants who had all of 45 minutes to get ready on their already reduced rest. how dare the real world look good if the flight attendants don't