A Cherry Ride Thank-You

I’d like to thank the following folks for helping to make my week o-so fantastic so far:

Thank-you Fat Balding Guy in the Gym Locker Room for not even attempting not to stare at me while I undressed yesterday, and forcing me to actually contemplate which would be less awkward for me – turning my back to you so you could see my ass, or just proceeding with the full frontal as I put my gym shorts on. Thanks for giving me another reason for not going to the gym.

Thank-you Singer and Producer of the Dance Club Version of 4-Non Blondes’ “What’s Up?” for deciding to take what is perhaps the shittiest song ever recorded, and thinking it worthy of some shitty dance beat and electronic drum machine (which was “fresh” about 14 years ago, btw – you guys are so cutting edge). Because there’s nothing I like better when I’m stretching and doing sit-ups than hearing some fucktard whose voice is worse than Linda Perry’s (the original singer) – which, btw, I didn’t think was possible – screech “And I said, Hey Yea Yea Yeah Yeah, Hey Yeah Yeah. I said Hey, What’s Going On?” over and over and over and over again. Extra Points: for deciding your fucking song was worthy of 11 minutes of air time. If I ever meet either of you on the street I swear to God I will punch you in the face.

Thank-you FAA for making me check my carry-on bag because it contained a 3.2 oz jar of hair styling crème and for inspiring the following conversation between me and an Airport Screener at National:
AS: “Sir, you cannot bring this item in your carry-on bag because it is more than 3 ounces.”
Me: “But why?”
AS: “Because it is larger than 3 ounces.”
Me: “Yes, but why? Why am I not allowed to bring my hair crème onto the plane with me?” *
AS: “You can bring it on, but it must go in your checked luggage. All liquids and gels over 3 ounces are not permitted.”
Me: “Yeah, but this isn’t a gel or a liquid. What harm could this possibly do?”
AS: “Sir, we are in a state of heightened security and there are restrictions against certain items including this here jar.”
Me: “Fine, whatever. I would just love it if for once someone could tell me exactly how my hair crème is a threat to national security, but whatever.”

Extra Points: for then physically escorting me and my bag back through security (because I’m obviously not smart enough to figure it out myself). Extra, Extra Points: for not catching my hair crème in Chicago. Glad you guys are both consistent and vigilant in keeping our skies safe from the threat of hair pomades and styling products.

* Please keep in mind that I really do know why, but because I’d already missed my flight and was feeling pissed off at the world, I decided to be a prick.