Thursday, July 06, 2006

Cherry Ride Letter of the Week

It’s Thursday here at the Ride, which means it is time for the Cherry Ride Letter of the Week (or CRLOW for those in the know).

This week’s letter is to Brian Heidik, former “Survivor” winner and currently under
arrest for shooting a puppy with – get this – a bow and arrow.

Dear Brian:

Dude, what is happening with you?

Is all that money you won from Survivor finally taking a toll?? And why’d you have to take it out on a little puppy? And with a bow and arrow? Newsflash: you’re not stranded on an island in Thailand anymore, you’re in Atlanta. If you’re going to shoot a puppy, use a gun like everyone else does.

If I can be truthful, Brian, you always did seem a bit sketch to me. No offense! I mean, when I first saw you on “Survivor: Thailand” four years ago, me and my friends could tell there was something different about you, aside from your abnormally large head, and your romance-novel cover hair and looks. You claimed to be a “salesman” of some kind, but what kind of sales?

My friends and I got the vibe you were somehow involved in the sex industry, like maybe you sold personal lubricants or maybe adult toys. And then there was that episode where your porn-star-looking wife said hello via videotape and we figured you were an actor on one of those soft porn movies they show on Cinemax. (And as it turns out, you were an actor in some movie called Virgins of Sherwood Forestand although I’ve never heard of it I’ll bet they don’t show it on the History, Discovery or National Geographic Channels, you sly fox, you!) BTW, is that why you used a bow and arrow? Did you steal it from the set and feel like you needed some practice for the sequel?

But that’s not the reason I’m writing. I’m a little concerned about this latest incident involving you, that poor puppy and an arrow. Are puppies that much of a threat to your property that you had to shoot one and threaten another?

What’s the deal? Is the pressure of fame and the lifestyle of a D-list soft porn star starting to get to you? Word of advice: Don’t take it out on the puppies. It’s not their fault. (Not to mention, this is no way to get a callback for “Chick Street Fighter II.”)

In fact, don’t take it out on your wife and kids either, man, because that’s pretty pathetic.

Anyway, enough from me. I think you’ve got your hands pretty full at the moment with all those crazy “animal cruelty” and “domestic battery” charges. I just wanted to drop you a note and remind you that you can be so much better than this, man.

Remember, dude: You’re a “Survivor” winner! I mean, just look at all the other “Survivor” winners who have become such positive role models and are doing such awesome things with their lives! Everyone loves and remembers “Survivor” winners. Seriously, ask anybody.

Don’t blow it. We expect such big things from you, Brian!

All the Best
- Cherry Ride

1 comment:

Prashant Sridharan said...

God, I'd be so good in the soft-porn industry.