Friday, August 18, 2006

Dear Mr. Office Building Landlord

Cherry Ride Letter of the Week* is to the landlord of my office building. Mr. Landlord looks a lot like the guy pictured above, and just like the guy in the photo, I am sure is in the Russian Mafia. When I first started at work, my boss told me about Landlord, saying that it is in all our best interest to stay on his good side in order to "keep things moving" (from a maintenance perspective I assumed). Well, in the 5 months I've been working here I'm pretty sure we've all been "staying on his good side" yet this office building still looks like a heap of shit.

Dear Mr. Landlord:

It was so nice meeting you for the first time this morning in front of the building. If you don't remember who I am, I was the guy who was heading through the front door with my bicycle over my shoulder. You stopped me and asked, "Where you going?" Yeah that guy.

When I told you I was heading up to the fourth floor, you said, "No. Not with bike." I was a little surprised by this because I'm not sure if you noticed this or not (what, with your busy schedule of... well
... I'm not exactly sure what you do all day), but I see lots of bicycles in the building. Lots. I see building tenant/workers bringing their bikes in all the time. Heck, in our small office alone there are 2-3 of us bringing our bikes to work and keeping them in an empty storage room in our suite.

But I'm a good guy who does what he's told, so I decided to lock my bike up to the parking meter there in front of the building, right next to another bike that was locked to the meter next to mine. And again, I was a little surprised when you stopped me right there and said, "No, lock bike down over there..." (pointing several yards down the sidewalk) "... I wash sidewalk here now."

You see, I'm pretty sure that you don't own the sidewalk so your suggestion to lock my bike a bit further down the street isn't really something that, as we might say in America, is "in your right." But fearing a hit on my family if I didn't comply, I compromised and locked the bike two meters down and then went inside.

BTW, did you ever end up washing down the sidewalk? Because, it's funny, just a few hours later I went outside to run an errand and noticed the sidewalk was completely dry. Dry as in, no water has touched the surface of this sidewalk since the last rain. Seemed a little strange to me, but moving on.)

I'm curious as to exactly what your problem with me bringing my bicycle into the building is. I suspect because you're afraid that I might scuff up the floor from the tire marks; maybe dirty the carpet? I understand your need to keep the place looking as good as possible. I'm sure it must be a struggle for you to keep the place up -- you know, with the broken locks to the bathroom; the hallway lights that flicker incessantly because they need to be replaced; the particles of plaster and god-knows-whatever-else that fall gently from the ceiling onto my desk and into my glass of water; the ancient blinds to the window behind my desk that are broken and probably haven't worked in a decade -- you know, stupid little shit like that.

Hey, here's an idea for you: If you're so concerned about keeping the carpets clean, why don't you try vacuuming
the fucking place every once in awhile? Let me tell you, that would certainly go a long way towards maintaining the facade that this is a "nice" place to do business. It would lift my spirits immensely if when I walked into my work space each morning, I didn't look down to see dead skin flakes, plaster from the ceiling, and bits of my lunch from two weeks ago. But that's just me and maybe it's not the way you do things back in the Old Country.

Sorry, didn't mean to go off like that on you. It's just that, well, given that this building is just a few years away from being condemned and all, I think it is a little silly for you to bust me for bringing my bike inside.

Thanks for understanding and please don't kill my family.

- Will (on the 4th floor)

* OK, so this doesn't happen "weekly." So sue me.


Loudlush said...

Where would we all be without the Fascist Landlord? And where did your bike finish up? So many questions...

And I think that whoever owns the cleaning tender in your building is in someway blood-related to the people "contracted" to cleaning my office block. There are things on the floor there that could be carbon-dated back pre-Ice Age.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You have inspired me to write a bitter, sarcastic letter to my landlord. And then not send it, like I'm sure you didn't.

Cherry Ride said...


OF COURSE I did not send it! Did you notice the "Russian Mafia" part??

classyandfancy said...

Just think of the fun you would have if you sent that letter? I would guess maybe only a broken hand or two and definitely some broken kneecaps.

BTW, I love the new format! So well organized!

Rich said...

Looking MUCH better in the cold light of day! (cold the operative word on this sunny Sydney morning!) Your insane sleep over at Starfucks seems to be paying off! *sigh* And I remember the day I took that photo for your profile with your Toblerone. *double sigh* Right. I am going back to bed. Hoo roo!!

Fraulein N said...

I guess he must have used that fancy "dry wash" technique on the sidewalk.